Caruso in a box

While watching the semi-hilarious "Dick-in-a-box" video from SNL's Andy Samberg with Justin Timberlake, I realized two things. One: Justin's wearing a wig that looks exactly like David Caruso's hypnotically red "hair;" and Two: I'm probably going to end up blogging about this. Oh, and Three: I no longer believe I have a great shot at stealing Cameron Diaz away from Justin. Now, there's only two others Caruso's wig should fit, based on the size of ginormous melon, and that's present day Barry Bonds, and an African elephant, which begs the questions, is Justin a pachyderm on 'roids, and why is everyone so obsessed with David Caruso.

Oh, Possum!

Thursday night, quite drunk, stumbling back from my boss' housewarming party, I turned the corner on my block and came face to...uhm, ankle, with an opossum. I'd never seen a live one in the wild before, so despite it's rat-like appearance, I was quite excited. I was also intoxicated enough to believe it was Splinter. It was so surreal, standing on the corner of my block in Brooklyn, with an opossum on the curb in front of a car (probably not its own, they're notorious for riding shotgun) that I didn't even think to take a photo with my camera phone as proof against naysayers. By the time I thought about it, Mr. Opossum had smoothly slid under the automobile, out of sight, and a little voice in the back of my head told me reaching my hand into a dark space to grab the opossum was a bad idea.

I've also discovered parrots (or perhaps parakeets) in my neighborhood, but haven't been able to take a photo of them yet. Watching one fly with wire in it's beak to build/repair their nest on top of a telephone pole was quite cool. Plus, I thought maybe they'd be good for home improvements on my condo.

Unfortunately, both of these species do not belong in Brooklyn, further underscoring the problems with global warming and keeping exotics as pets, which is often times how exotic birds end up in Hasidic areas of Brooklyn. Hmmm, maybe global warming isn't so bad, if it will eventually allow kangaroos to migrate to Brooklyn too.

Dream Log 6907.2

Everyone always wonders why I'm perpetually late to everything. It's because I sleep. I oversleep. And I don't do this out of any immense feelings of being tired. No, I do this because my dreams, as you will see once again, are simply awesome:

I woke up (in my dream of course) to find Ms. Dynamo (his girlfriend, not mom) eating my bagels. There was only one left, a multi-berry from Massachusetts. I'll be damned if I'm going to let her eat it!* I told her I was upset with the amount of bagels she'd already consumed and if she touched that one, I'd run her through with my saber.**

I sort of realized this was a dream when my apartment contained a tank full of 3 ducks, who were often quiet, but one moment when they thought I wasn't paying attention, they all had a contest to see who could hold their breath the longest. I also had 2 puppies who could sort of talk, miniature grizzly bears (mom and cub) that lived in a fish bowl, and a terrarium full of terrarium creatures.

Next up, I was hanging out by a pool, showing off my really tanned skin, huge pecs and generally awesome physique, when Cynthis (name changed to protect identity of Cynthia) rides up to me on a bicycle. This was made more impressive owing to her being in the pool, ON TOP OF THE WATER (like Jesus, if you're missing the damned analogy), peddling. Sure, she was swaying back and forth a little bit, but who has perfect balance biking on H2O?

She was one of my 4 girlfriends in my dream. It was just like the time there were 4 Supermen in Metropolis, but all were fake Supermen, and 1 was the 1/2 cyborg Superman who was all evil and totally bent on world domination. Only this was way more useful, because I had FOUR GIRLFRIENDS. None of them wanted to kill me with cyborg strength, but rather with kindness. They were all fighting over me, wearing short skirts or performing Christian miracles for my affection.

Now I recognized 2 of the women, the third didn't matter (yea, I love em and leave em in my nocturnal slumber), but the fourth intrigued me. She was 1/2 Asian, 1/2 something else, and all ridiculously fine. Being as how my dreams are portents of the future, 1/2 Asian woman, wherever you are, don't make me wait. I mean, we're going to be together again (probably tomorrow night after about 11:30 PM), so let's get started on this now. Neither of us really has a choice anyway, since it's fated. I just hope you don't ride an early train, cause that'll make this all more difficult.


*Note: Not that she's not super nice or anything. But, it's a multi-berry bagel from Massachusetts!

**Note 2: I don't condone violence, especially towards women, and the closest thing I've ever owned to a saber is a broom whose handle I took off and waved menacingly.

The Prestige

I recently saw The Prestige, a movie that can't quite be described without then being ridiculed. That's not to say that it wasn't good, because it was. Quite good, in fact. However, the premise contains some elements of science fiction as well as the possibility of the occult. Two magicians, Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman, are constantly dueling and sabotaging each other's acts in a relentless obsession of one-up-manship.

Unfortunately, I couldn't watch Christian Bale without "I am Batman" running through my head, and was quite pissed when Hugh Jackman didn't simply eviscerate Christian with a simple Snick-snick-snickety-snick of his claws. This might just be me, because I also had brief, nightmarish flashes of Hugh in Kate and Leopold.

Some other notable scenes/thoughts during the movie:

• Hugh Jackman wanders into a giant, alternating current, crazy-ass lightning machine, in the hopes of mimicking Storm's powers.


• Christian Bale picks up a woman by showing her nephew a magic trick. He later takes her out for dinner, and drops her off at her apartment, where she refuses to let him in. Being a magician, he decides to break in, and when she turns around, he's offering her a tea kettle. She laughs at this. Yes, breaking and entering, with the possibility of sexual assault, is apparently the way into her heart.


• At some point, Christian's wife is railing on and on about how she knows what he is. I guessed correctly, but I also wondered if he was somehow a zombie. Then I realized being the undead probably wouldn't help you make canaries disappear, would lead to a constant threat of decapitation by overzealous zombie hunters and would cause dogs to bark at you.

So if you want to convince your friends to see this movie, which was really quite good, please do not try to explain the plot. Trust me, Christopher Nolan tells the story WAY better than you would.