Commitment to weddings

Mr. Mario Fontana and Ms. Brooke Aldrich exchanged vows and last names (well, except Mario, who stubbornly kept his own) in what was a beautiful ceremony of matrimony and commitment this weekend. Or so I heard. See, I wasn't actually at their wedding. My reasons were threefold, as I explained to many a perturbed wedding fan:

1. I'm here for the free booze only, who are Mario and Brooke?
2. I got an image to maintain... so I do what I do.
3. Jews can't go inside churches, especially Catholic churches. When I tried, it burned.

The truth of the matter was i had the wrong address and got crazy lost, traveling all 4 cardinal directions in my quest to arrive only moderately tardy. That's what happens when the directions tell you to make a left at the intersection, followed by a right on to the street YOU WERE JUST ON! The good news, of course, was my early arrival to the wedding reception, which featured lasted for thirteen hours. Or, at least pouring alcohol down my throat did. I wasn't the only one to miss the ceremony; a friend also missed it, as he was changing into his fancy clothes. Either the vows weren't that long, or he has problems putting on his pants in pressure situations.

Luckily, I have many terrific photos of the wedding reception to preserve it in my memory. You can see all 3 below.





Mario seemed to have the opposite camera problem as I. He decided that when he wasn't getting somehow paler in Hawaii on his honeymoon, he'd read Harry Potter and post all his photos from that day on Facebook. That's some dedication man.

Physics may finally be foiled! (subtitle: research gone astray)

It's no secret that I've been mad for about 2 years now. I don't mean steaming, ready to punch someone in the throat mad. It's more of a low level, constant frustration. The cause? You guessed it, that nasty no-goodnik, Physics. Sure, it reared it's ugly head in 10th grade, when I battled a mostly senile knight who tried to trick me using trajectories of imaginary balls thrown in the air. But it wasn't until 2 years ago that I realized the full extent of this diabolical science when it was pointed out to me Physics was behind one of the biggest travesties of all: namely, my inability to shoot lasers from my eyes.

It was while surfing the internet (note how the title is cleverly tied in to the rest of the story here) that I came across this story: Scientists reveal secret of levitation. Hoping against hope that it had nothing to do with David Blaine, I scoured the article in order to provide a summary for you non-science types who wouldn't be able to understand otherwise:

By using groundbreaking methods, scientists hope to destroy the evil Casimir force, long hated by men in ruffled white lab coats for its almost 50 year refusal to be measured. Furthermore, after watching geckos with malfunctioning toe pads get forcefully repelled away from their glass aquarium walls, these scientists realized that harvesting this mystical force would be beneficial and enable them to levitate tiny objects.

The most enlightening of all, however, was this exact quote from the article: "Scientists have discovered a ground-breaking way of levitating ultra small objects, which may revolutionize the design of micro-machines, a new report says." While Micro Machines haven't been manufactured in the US in quite some time, new models still come out in the far off land known as Europe, which means speed speaker record holder John "Mightymouth" Moschitta, Jr., should be psyched. And, as this can only mean having a green hard light projecting ring powered by willpower is only a few years away, so am I. So am I.