I Know How Fios Works

"HD, please explain the internet to me."
"What about the internet?"
"Well, I need to know about speeds. I mistakenly understand that 10 Mb/sec. should take me 1 second to download a 10 MB file, but how does it relate to 768 Kb/sec and what is a good internet speed for someone who just wants to check email and send the occasional 3-5 MB photo?"
"That's up to your boss. Any speed will allow you to get email. I have Fios, cause I'm fancy and like options."
"Would I need new wiring for Fios? Is it faster or cheaper?"
"No, because the light travels along glass tubing until it gets to you, then it runs on the copper cable that cable does."
"I'm so confused though, how does light carry signals on it?"

"No, it's more like...hmmm. Ok, it's like when you turn your flashlight on and off."

"That makes no sense. When I turn my flashlight on, I don't have internet and my TV doesn't work."

"Imagine the flashlight being turned on and off, super fast."

"So the Flash is the force behind Fios?"

Superman Returns: This Time, He's After Your Fiancee

I just started watching Superman Returns for the first time on cable, which isn't my preferred method, but I'm cheap. So far, I'm only through the credits, but they sucked so much I'm not sure if I can keep watching. Never before have I seen credits that have annoyed me, definitely not to the degree these cheap side effects did. Way to bite off a 5-year old's weak attempts at recreating the opening to Star Wars. In between vomiting, I noticed James Marsden's in the movie. He better be Cyclops, and Green Lantern better show up. Or else.

****

45 minutes into the movie, I present: Things I Would Have Been Thinking Had My Brain Not Shut Off:

-It's probably really cold in the Fortress of Solitude, yet Lex had no gloves on. Probably really slippery too, what with all that ice. There should really be a caution sign somewhere.

-Superman looks way too young to be Superman. And his jawline isn't square enough.

-This movie sucks.

-Why is time completely static in this? The newspaper, the characters especially Jimmy Olsen, all feel like they're from 1930's.

-At the very least, Lois should be suffering from a pretty bad case of death by being beaten around her whole body by the plane.

-I have bigger pecs than Superman. Biceps too.

-Capes don't flutter in space when standing still because there is no wind in space. No one can hear you scream, either. Unless there's a bunch of you on a ship or something.

-How come everyone forgets bullets bounce off Supes? The point-blank shot to the eye was kinda cool.

-Batman would beat the crap out of this pansy, lovesick, college freshman Superman faster than you could say "Joker escaped from Arkham again."

-Shit man, if I had superpowers, I'd be pulling so much tail...I mean, I'd be successfully courting lots of young ladies.

-Why was there a cannibalistic dog? Why did the wigs freak Lois out? Did they really have to make the little boy have super powers? What about the physics behind Superman's super sperm?

-Lex breaking off a kryptonite shiv in Supes' kidney area was pretty badass. However, there's still 45 minutes left. Why? Why so much time? Make this movie shorter, The Past!!

-Lois opens a window on A PLANE to throw out the kryptonite. Fiance says "What are you doing?" Then Superman opens window, stands there for a moment, and leaves. Deleted dialogue: "What is wrong with you people? You can't just open doors on planes. They're not like car windows. Have you never flown commercial? There's a reason those windows don't...HEY! Hey, Superman, where do you think you're going? Leaving the door open too...real nice. What, were you raised in a barn? Ha, I guess you sorta were. Still, close the damned door. Someone. Lois? Lois??!!"

-What an incredibly weak ending to an incredibly weak movie. Lex is trapped on a desserted island, Superman is able to fly a giant hunk of kryptonite without falling into his usual convulsions when even a little is nearby, and in the end, he doesn't get the girl. Which I'm actually happy about, because it would be pretty shitty to steal Cyclops' woman after he went back to save your ass. That's completely against the bro code.

-Man, this movie really sucked.

Laces Out, Dan!

No matter what the Miami Dolphins do in a few short hours against the Ravens, in their first playoff game since 2001, this season has been a remarkable success. From going an embarrassing 1 and 15 last year, though they hung close in a few games, to 11 and 5 this year and embarrassing the Patriots, this has been an amazing turnaround. Last season, they had such high quality players as Zach Thomas and Jason Taylor, whereas this season the consensus was there was no one on their defense. Joey Porter turned that all around by having a year worth talking a lot of trash* about, leading the AFC with 17.5 sacks. The offensive line was shored up behind 1/2 man, 1/2 giant Jake Long, helping Pennington throw for a career high in yards, which he did by spreading the ball around. There were a few Ted Ginn sightings, but Miami's success on offense was through throwing the ball to many receivers (since most aren't very good), running with Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams, and innovating behind the Wildcat formation. Trickery is a time honored tradition and has helped hide the fact that teams or players aren't very good since the times of Kordell "/" Stewart.

Can they get to the next round against a tough Baltimore defense today? It doesn't matter. Just watching them this season and seeing them win has been plenty. Every week, I counted the wins, divided by the win total of last year, and realized they had doubled, tripled, quintupled, octupled and elevendytoubled their wins. They are going to have some trouble topping it next year, however, because it's almost impossible to quadruple 11 wins, unless the NFL plans on finally adopting a much, much longer schedule.


*Joey would talk trash anyway. He can't help himself.