Recent Intellectual Conversation

I recently signed up for an online dating service since I have no interest in leaving my apartment to find women and this is the closest, non-embarrassing and legal alternative to mail-order brides. I'm finding out that the road to love is fraught with bumps and...uhm...this...

Girl: Good Morning=)
I like your photos

Me: Thanks. What kind of dog is that you're squeezing? Is he/she yours?

Girl: He name is CoCo. He is Havanese. Do you like the dog?

Me: Yea, CoCo's cute. I don't have one, but wish I did. They're so much responsibility though. Plus, I'm sure my dog would try to steal my food all the time.

Girl: Do you like the dog?

At this point I didn't know what to do besides laugh. And be a little weirded out. It seemed like maybe there was a code I was missing, or like I was involved in some sinister scheme to take her dog off her hands. It was almost like this, where maybe if you keep asking for something enough, they'll give it to you. Though I guess maybe all the answers reside in her profile:

HeY ThErE ! ! !

Thanks for comming to visiting my profile.

> > >I'm a sweetie girl, LooKing FoR A NiCe GuY, FuNnY, WaRM AnD GeNtLeMaN.

* * * * * If YoU ArE, WhAt ArE YoU WaiTiNG FoR??? * * * * *

End of Another Era: Question Mark?

My unemployment adventures may be coming to a close. Not really by choice. "Freelancing" since June 15 of last year hasn't been all that bad if you don't think making money is important in any way. It has allowed me to pursue other interests, including watching a lot of Scrubs reruns, being lazy, sleeping in and making banana fritters.

I had a slight scare the other day, when I actually got the non-profit job I had interviewed for. I remember being ambushed at the interview, probably not too unlike how Swamp Fox used to ambush Redcoats, and being told I had to teach the kids for 3 hours that day. Nervous and in somewhat of a panic, I desperately looked around for an escape route, before going to the bathroom and talking myself out of removing the bars from the window. Despite all that, and spending most of my time engaged in a conversation about how cool Carnage is, I got the job.

Unfortunately, due to fears of giving up my daytime (and nighttime) cookie eating parties, my inability to commit for a year and their repeated usage of the abbreviation ASAP, I had to pass. The job was given to my runner-up when I asked for some extra time to think about it. It was tough to pass up, in light of having a mortgage to pay, but at the end of the day, it wasn't like someone walked up to me and asked me to join the Justice League. "Here's your power ring, we really think you could help us fight crime and evil aliens bent on world domination. It is full time, so you'll have to abandon any dreams of being a photographer, but you can fly and have super strength." That would be an easy decision.

After dodging that bullet sans powers, I think I'm going to go celebrate by taking a nap on the couch.

End of an Era, Revisited

Human Dynamo came over Saturday for a few hours to get discouraged by the huge mess he had left behind and to not take anything he needed, except for spices and a coffee press. It had been almost a week since he moved out, yet I managed to hold back the tears and shake his hand, firmly and with no traces of being lonely.

As touched on in End of an Era, I miss Dynamo's Xbox360 more than him. I figured when he took it with him, I'd be more productive; I'd have one less distraction in my life. Dynamo predicted I was wrong, and it turns out he's right. It used to be, I'd just throw a game in and play until I realized I should have been asleep 2 or more hours ago, with the exception of Bioshock. This game is so eerie, I'd have to watch something funny on TV to soothe my nerves, otherwise I wouldn't be able to go to sleep for fear of a splicer jumping out to get me. The game is freaky, yo! In fact, the only thing that's scared me more recently is the tree octopus, which ***SPOILER ALERT*** turned out to be a hoax. I probably would have figured that out sooner had I not been rendered immobile by panic at the idea of a multiple terrain and altitude intelligent killing machine, dropping onto my head from it's high perch on a spruce, with it's suckering tentacles and poisonous sharp parrot-like beak trying to peck into my brain. Not to mention it has beady eyes. AHHHHH. I'm scaring myself writing this.

My productivity has now actually declined, as I spend more time looking for distractions. I've dug out old computer video games, been forced to buy new ones and hooked up my PS2. While it's still fun to play, I'm constantly lamenting over the less good graphics when compared to Xbox360. Due to this, I'm forced to play longer to get the same quality fix. One hour of PS2 equals 20 minutes of Xbox360. It's just simple mathematics. While I do get to sleep earlier at night, I sleep the sleep of the restless, lonely and unfulfilled. This new era, the age of More-After After Xbox360 (or M-AAX) has begun, and I'm way less than thrilled about it.

Happy Valentino's Day

Valentino's was a pizzeria by my parents house that I used to frequent when I was in elementary school. In sixth grade, we were allowed to go out for lunch, a privilege and freedom for kids that age that undoubtedly no longer exists. Valentine's day that year, I decided I was going to ask my childhood crush, Erin, out to lunch. I got all prepared, asking my friends for advice, and was set to be the ultimate gentleman; I was going to pay for the pizza AND pull her chair out for her. Somewhere along the line, our signals got crossed, and she ended up at McDonald's while I ate a slice alone.

But I'm not bitter. Valentine's Day marked the beginning of one of my relationships, senior year in high school. I cleared my parents out of the apartment for the night with my wiles and cooked up a nice dinner in my fanciest sweater. This led to a two year relationship, and to me attending SUNY Albany freshman year even though I didn't really want to.

Like most guys, I'm not huge on Valentine's Day anymore. Cliched notions like it's too commercial a holiday aside, I've subscribed to Human Dynamo's thinking. If you love someone, you should show it all year round, not just on a specific chosen date. He feels the same way about birthdays, though does enjoy the weekend long celebrations that have become common in our crew, and also about President's day, as every month or so he sends a love letter to Abraham Lincoln.

As far as romance goes, I've always thought the holiday season was far more romantic. With temperatures that are at least tolerable, festive lights everywhere, everyone in a happy mood and the chance of a magical white Christmas, this is the time of year I wish most for a girlfriend and romantic dinners in front of a fire place.

The End.

Back in the Saddle

So I had my first job interview in almost three years today, to be a part time photography teacher for elementary school and junior high kids at a non profit after school center. It started off not so great, as I somehow got lost in the city and walked the wrong way, ending up 5-10 minutes late for a position that was close to being filled anyway. I spoke with the Director of the Media Center for a few minutes, and then she sprung on me teaching the kids, who are of all different skill levels and already know how to print black and white, how to print. Oh, and then she enhanced my resume for me, telling the kids they were lucky to have a professional photographer and graphic designer on hand as their visiting artist and teacher. I don't think I'm really a professional at this point, but it sounded cool to all the kids, so I had to go with it. Thankfully I wasn't quizzed, but I feel secure I could mostly outsmart 12 year olds if it came to it. It's like on a first date though. I try to be interesting and myself, only better, funnier and more charming. However, I would never say I have my own detective agency or I once climbed Mt. Everest, because she's going to be disappointed enough after the second date without finding out I'm a liar also.

Four hours and many headlocks broken up later and I couldn't help feeling I'd just been suckered into working for free. Interview, my ass. It ended with the director and I speaking about how the day went, and before I could stop myself, I was taking off my shoes and changing to basketball sneakers. In my defense, the back of my feet were all cut up. Hey, if a date ends with me taking off my shoes, that's a good night right?

****************

Tonight I started to appreciate the value of living alone. Walking in the apartment, I was able to throw everything down, shed my pants, sit down on the couch and turn on whatever I wanted, with no fear of Suze Orman raising her ugly head, or anyone being disturbed by my less than fully clothed state. I also learned a valuable lesson: drinking a liter of Dr. Pepper before bedtime will probably lead to nervousness, twitching, anxious energy and most likely render bedtime useless.

Average Expectations

For the last two days, I've resolved to be quite productive and find a job as well as a future ex-wife, but only so long as I can do both online and conveniently. In fact, if there's no "Apply Now" button for the job on monster.com, I move on to the next one. I'm finding both of these tasks rather difficult, but also noticing that surprisingly, they share some similarities.

With so many people applying for the attractive options, it's really hard to differentiate yourself. You have to come in with the mindset that at least 50 other people want this. What makes me better than any of them? I just am. You'll have to take my word for it. And don't ask any questions that put me on the spot, like what's my best quality or what quality do I not like about myself that I'm working on.

I'm tired of trying to market and sell myself to strangers when I know I'm a perfectly adequate choice and would perform moderately well as boyfriend or employee. I know what I can and can't do, and don't apply for things out of my league. Hotbibella79, who likes big muscled guys with tattoos, I'm sorry but I don't fit the bill. AvantiCreativeDirector08, I just don't have the experience or skill set to head up your department. I understand this, and am ok with it. With more experience and less fear of needles, maybe one day, but for now I'm okay with where I'm searching. Unfortunately, ladies can't see my ginormous biceps and statuesque body through their computers, and jobs can't see me causing huge amounts of dollars to flow in the future by looking at my resume.

Inevitably, 80% of the women and jobs you apply for just won't get back to you. I used to believe it's rudeness, but maybe they do it to keep your dignity in tact. You understand when you don't receive a response that nobody likes you without anyone having to spell it out for you. Hey, rejection hurts. I was just rejected to be a photographer/studio assistant at a hospital, and in fact, they additionally noted I wasn't qualified for the job. I'm pretty sure they were one step away from calling me a stupid cretin and telling me how out of my league they are. How am I not qualified for that job? I'm a photographer, I can assist, I've watched Scrubs and I've been in a hospital before. Perfectly suited. You know what, job, I didn't really want to have you anyway. You were just a backup until a hotter job got back to me.

End of an Era

In between crashed scaffolding and "haha, you're moving to Jersey" jokes, Sunday, me, Dynamo, his quite sick lady friend, and his incomprehensible and constantly plotting cousin moved Dynamo and said lady friend to Jersey City, New Jersey. USA. Why would we do such a thing? Mostly because Dynamo got a job in Parsippany, NJ, USA, making machines emit noise so that something can be tested. Finally getting a chance to pursue his dream career of software engineer without having to sacrifice his morals and help build better tracking devices for military killing machines, he's been waking at 4:00 AM and getting home at 5:30 PM or later, cranky about half the time. Now, thanks to the physics of distance and time, he can comfortably sleep till 5:30 AM and be home much earlier.

Unfortunately, Dynamo had to sacrifice living in the Dr. Seuss wing of the Brooklyn castle we have shared since it's purchase last October. Moving day was odd, dividing cups, plates and silverware and trying to make sure HD left with important things he'd need for the coming week, including bottles of alcohol, the Boondocks book and his electric razor. While I got to keep the rice cooker and I'll probably hide the salsa maker so I don't lose that, I have lost the stainless steel kitchen/prep table, used for eating, cooking and putting things when I walk in the apartment. I'm left with a dining room table which is much less glamorous, and no way to put it together, because Dynamo saw fit to steal the nuts that kept the legs on.

As good friends since 9th grade, I have no doubt we'll stay close despite the distance to Jersey City, New Jersey, USA. However, there's definitely a dynamic change between best friends and roommates. It also means I'm going to have to start leaving the comfort of my home to hang out with a friend, which is mighty inconvenient for me. While helping him pack moving morning, I couldn't help thinking of the episode of Friends when Joey moves out of the apartment him and Chandler share because he has more money now and wants to experience living on his own.

Since I'm too poor to buy out the other half, we're going to continue owning it together and I'm going to get a new roommate. My friend Jamie (who, despite his name, happens to be a guy) is moving in on April 1st. Until then, for the first time in my 26.75 years of living, I find myself living by myself. The first day was definitely lonely and a little weird. There's now this room downstairs (we live in a duplex) where someone used to live that's neither cleaned out nor full. It's almost taboo; I see the stairs that lead down every time I go to the bathroom, but have no reason to go downstairs, so I shun it and pretend it doesn't exist. While I miss Dynamo, at least I'm not staying up late watching the rain on the window and wondering if he is too, a la previously mentioned Friends episode. Besides, I think I miss the Xbox 360 more.

Weather Related Disaster Strikes

This is somewhat more catastrophic than my last post. Jealous that adulthood was getting all the cool headlines, the wind and cold weather decided it needed to strike too. Unfortunately, the target was a scaffolding up the block from my castle. Like the wolf of urban porcine lore, Mr. Puffy Cheeks kept blowing until it forced the mesh netting to topple the 6 story high scaffolding, crushing what lay below. Thankfully no people were injured, despite their best intentions. While live wires carried live electricity and current that could end lives, and sparks flew everywhere, and unlucky tree branches burned, people walked, roller-bladed or drove as close as they could. I couldn't help thinking of the scene in Die Hard With A Vengeance when Bruce Willis shoots at the power line and it hits the helicopter which in turn majorly explodes. Good thing that didn't happen.

Adulthood Strikes

Somewhere between eating candy before/for dinner last night and buying comics today, I realized what an adult I've become. Was it the purchasing of cornbread at Whole Foods, simply because I saw it while waiting in line to pay, mirroring how I bought Haribo Fruit Salad and Fizzy Colas last night? Or could it have been the marshmallows I originally went in to said natural food giant to buy? Maybe it was having two separate conversations with two different people about comics on the subway ride home. Yes, I know there's a new Iron Man movie coming out (and I'll see it, though I'm not positive he had nothing to do with the death of Steve Rogers).* In any case, I'm going to stick with the upper age on Haribo's friendly mantra: "Kids and Grownups love it so."


*P.S. Like I told gold-tooth man, Daredevil, Punisher and the Hulk were all bullshit movies. Though Bullseye is raw.