Science! I said SCIENCE!

Recently, I got paid to drive roundtrip NYC to Amherst via New Haven and visit my friend J$.  The purpose of the trip was to transport a photographer to shoot two scientists who had won Humboldt awards, which means they are way smarter than me, and probably you too.  After all, you are reading a blog by me.  The Humboldts are squid-shaped and awarded to scientists only after they've won a Nobel prize, and come in such categories as "Smartypantsiest," "Best Biologically Robotic Neurosurgeon," "Best Dressed," and "Comeback Scientist of the Year."  They also come with a prize of five million euros over five years, with the winners required to move to Germany and attach themselves at a university for the duration, apparently in the hope the scientists will give all the money back by spending it on sausage and lederhosen.

I got to meet Professor Oliver Brock, of the Robotics and Biology department at UMass Amherst, and Chair of Comparative Medicine and Other Things Tamas Horvath of Yale.  Both were very down to earth, friendly and funny guys, who turned my image of a scientist on its head.  Scientists are normal people, just like you and me, only way way way smarter, apparently drink way more, and have interests like "the neuroendocrine regulation of homeostasis with particular emphasis on metabolic disorders."  It was my first time at Yale, or even stopping in New Haven, despite having made the trip to Boston or Amhest countless times.  From there, I got to go to my first Costco and peruse their TV section (great savings when purchasing 20!) and the 40-gallons-of-cheddar-sauce area, perfect for a small family of thirty.

Fiscal Fiascos

This is big.  Be prepared.  Sit down.  Strap on a seatbelt.  Take a deep breath.  I'm about to reveal my real name, which is a necessity for me to post this blog at the behest of Lord Josh.  Introducing, for the first time ever, Larry in "Larry bests the bank," followed by "Larry crushes the crazed and corrupt credit card computers."

"Hi, I'd like to cash this here check, with everything properly filled out, lady who I've never seen, despite coming here for 2+ years."

"Oh, it says here that your account is under Laurence, but the check says Larry.  How can this be?"

"See, Larry is a nickname for Laurence, which is my real name, but I always go by Larry."

"I still don't get it.  Manager, does this make sense?  Is Larry a nickname or shortening of Laurence?  I've never heard such ridiculousness."

"I will hold my temper in check.  Here is a business card as Larry, my gym membership with a photo as Larry, and my driver's license, as Laurence.  Is that enough dot connecting for you?"

"Grumble grumble mumble don't ever let me catch you using a nickname on a check again, despite you never having a problem before and 90% of your checks being made out to Larry."

It wasn't quite the eternal apologies and free silver and gold ingots I had hoped for, but I still claimed victory.

*****

"Hi, credit card company?  This is Larry.  Why isn't my account working?  Between the afternoon of one day and the night of the same day, my card started to get declined."

"Yes sir, it says here your account is past due."

"Right, I was late by one day on the payment, so I decided to push it off until the next payment cycle came around, since you'd slap me with late fees anyway, you soul sucking profiteering bastards."

"Well, sir, when your account becomes past due, after 6 days, you become eligible for a hold to be placed on your card, until the time when the amount is paid."

"Eligible usually refers to something you're going to win, and almost always conveys a positive notion.  My account got a hold placed on it 14 days later though.  I'm just trying to understand why this happened."

"Sir, I cannot say that it will happen again if you're past due, but I also cannot say that it won't."

"So you're saying this is completely random?  The head of Credit Card walks in one day in a bad mood cause his son left a toy out and he slipped on it, and decides to penalize my finances?"

"No sir, it is based on many different factors and decided by our computers, which incidentally also decide the fate of college football teams under the name BCS.  Have a good day and thank you for using us to purchase things you can't actually afford."

Mr. Peanut Is Coming For You

Stewart Parnell, owner of Peanut Corp. of America, is a no class giant peanut-head who can't even come up with a better name for his company than what they process. Recently, he decided to plead the fifth amendment in front of Congress when asked if he was a giant douchebag with no regard for the safety and well being of others as long as it meant turning a profit. If you haven't heard, Parnell is involved in the tainted-peanut salmonella outbreak, responsible for a number of deaths and many hundreds of cases of reported sickness. Most likely, he'll escape with a slap on the wrist, a fine that will mean nothing to him because he'll pass the cost onto the consumer or reduce wages. When the tainted milk scandal in China finally came to light, two of the men responsible were sentenced to death while another is serving a long jail sentence. Whatever their problems, at least China is now putting out a message to corrupt heads of businesses. It's as subtle as a head on a pike in front of a castle, but the meaning is clear.

I'm no advocate for the death penalty, but the US needs to get tougher food laws put in place. The problem is that the whining from the food industry's lobbying efforts is so loud, it drowns out all common sense and thoughtful recommendations. "We're going to lose money if we test our food to make sure it doesn't contain deadly diseases, or if we provide job training to the people who handle the food everyday and sometimes don't wash their hands, or are overworked and make mistakes and lose limbs," they cry. Japan and Britain were able to eradicate mad-cow disease in just two years by carefully testing their cattle supply and enforcing strict mandates on the food industry, such as not feeding infected dead animals to other livestock animals. They didn't even have to use genetic engineering for it, imagine that! The industrial-agro machine in the US is allowed to have voluntary recalls, to block inspectors advice, and to generally be assholes whenever they feel like it. Food safety is pushed back on the consumer, since it can't be, or won't be, enforced in the factory. "Make sure you cook your food thoroughly, because we may have allowed some awful disease to remain in this product we're selling you," they caution, while building forts out of million dollar bills. Break out the pikes and severed heads; it's time for change and stronger consumer protection.

Nerdicon 2009!

This past weekend was the 4th Annual NYC Comiccon, held at Jacob Javits Center. I've wanted to go for many years, being a closet nerd myself, and finally found a partner in Lord Josh. As the day got closer, I got giddier and giddier, until I couldn't take it any longer and got a Green Lantern tattooed on my chest. The first thing I noticed was how giant the convention was, and how packed it was. I wanted badly to barrel straight ahead and yell out "move out of my way, you damned nerds, or I'll force you aside with my power ring," but refrained. I have never seen so many nerds in one place. I mean, really. The event was light on free giveaways. Also, there were surprisingly few females, except for a couple dressed up as slutty pirate wenches, but really, just sluts, to promote...I don't know what. Who would have thought a comiccon would be such a sausage-fest?

For the most part, I was disappointed by the costume presence. Sure, there were a couple well done Ghostbusters, a Boba Fett, and many Star Wars dorks, but there was also a beer-bellied Spiderman, many horrible Jokers and a fat Baroness von Slut. I got to meet many authors and writers I respect and admire, and with one exception, everyone was super-nice and friendly, with no pretensions. Unfortunately, I missed out on Geoff Johns and Ivan Reis, writer and artist on Green Lantern, but met Peter Tomasi (GL Corps writer) and Patrick Gleason (artist GL Corps) who was nice enough to draw a quick sketch of Isamot on the cover of my GL Corps #1. Other highlights included Francis Leinil Yu, Arthur Suydam, who did my favorite cover of all time for Moon Knight, Mark Texiera, artist for Moon Knight, a Hal Jordan sketch made for me by Steve Walker, and flexing on Leonardo and Raphael of TMNT. I got to meet Charlie Huston, who brought Moon Knight back and turned it into one of the best written comics currently being published before passing it to the equally able Mike Benson. I had to keep a clear head as much as possible, because the 'con was so overwhelming. It was important to focus on things that could only be bought or seen there, rather than getting bogged down with the thousands of comics I lusted after that were being sold by guys with setups that looked like they belonged in an Elks Lodge.

Video games had a very heavy presence at the 'con, as did toys. I got geeked for the new, old school TMNT action figures, as well as Marvel and DC's new 3 inch lines. The show stealer though was Erick Scarecrow and his vinyl toy collection. I think it's quite fortuitous for him that his last name is Scarecrow. Worked out well. I've never been big into the vinyl, Japanese/graffiti inspired toy scene, but immediately loved the ESC Muraida ltd edition. Erick was the nicest guy we met there, from Queens, treated everyone like friends and is as tall as Josh and I. The two of us are currently fighting over who Erick likes best, and Josh's girlfriend Dara is really jealous. She shouldn't be though, because clearly it's me. Though if we ever go get tea, I'll definitely invite you, Josh.

Lord Josh found the toys!
	Mark Texiera of Moon Knight
Erick signing Muraida

Entertainment Tonight

I've been neglecting this blog recently, which I'm sure upsets most of the internet world, but with my recent foray into smarter subject matter, I've acquired such an immense amount of knowledge I was forced to retreat to the moon so my intellect wouldn't dwarf and overwhelm the citizens of Earth. True-ish story. Taking a cue from Dynamo, who originally took a cue from me, since I invented the movie review, I'm going to drop some critical critique as a critic might.

A month or two ago, I saw The Wrestler, which I can say without exaggerating, was unbelievably good. One of the main reasons was the actors in it. Like K-Kwik, aka Ron "the Truth" Killings, the greatest wrestler of forever. Yes, K-Kwik was in the movie. I knew Marisa Tomei still looked good, but having her topless in the movie? Bravo, director. Bravo. Mickey Rourke plays a washed up wrestler who constantly screws up and has a semi-estranged, possibly-lesbionic daughter. He can't walk away from the fame or the game, despite heart problems, failing health, a desire to do good again and man boobs. I don't know if they used anyone as a model for his character, "The Ram," but he reminded me of Shawn Michaels mixed with Mr. Perfect. There's a very clever scene, where Ram is working as deli man in a supermarket and walks out, through the corridors, mirroring a wrestling entrance. K-Kwik was in the movie, as well. While I've never been a famous person, nor a washed up celebrity, I found I could relate to his character, and even though I knew the movie wasn't real, I connected with Ram and kept hoping he'd make good choices and turn his life around for the better. This, plus the inherent likeability of Rourke's character, made it one of the best movies I saw all year, up there with Dark Knight. Did I mention K-Kwik was in the movie?

The only way Slumdog Millionaire is better than The Wrestler is if it stars Forrest Whitaker as a stealthy, loyal samurai and was actually called Ghostdog Millionaire. Don't get me wrong, the movie was fantastic and I'd like to hang out with Dev Patel in real life. I'd even consider hanging out with his ridiculously beautiful co-star Freida Pinto. You know, if she asked nicely and all. I just couldn't relate to the characters in Slumdog, having never lived in the slums or had such a hard-knocks life. Annie ain't got shit on you, Jamal! Except, maybe, weird zombie eye sockets. It was heartwarming and yadda yadda, I'm sure you've already read or heard enough about the movie from the media. My only major beef with the movie is how much destiny between Jamal and Latika is emphasized as an important plot point, yet never shown to the viewer. After they originally cross paths as little children, they meet again many times. This is however due to Jamal's dogged stalking ability, rather than any sense of fate or destiny. By the way, spoilers coming up. As for them being together, they never kiss before the end of the movie, and there's never even much interaction shown between the two of them. It feels like nit-picking, because this was a teriffic feel-great movie, but I don't believe it was the best of the year. Freida, I'm in Midwood, Brooklyn, in case you wish to convince me otherwise.