Obama. Yea, That's All. Obama.

So Obama has won the election, and I couldn't be happier. The only thing that's bringing me down is he hasn't properly thanked me yet. Yea, that's right. It was all me. You're welcome, Barack. Not only did I provide extensive coverage by writing about him twice (this counting as the second time), but I drove down to Philadelphia and volunteered for his campaign. Sure, it was only four hours, and a lot of the time I sounded like a robo-call, and my main reasons for going were to flirt with campaign ladies and eat a philly cheese steak, but still.

Oh, now that Barack is president-elect, everything is going to turn around and the country will become perfect again. Don't let anyone bring you down from euphoria, especially not that jerk Human Dynamo. It's gonna be like magic, you'll see.

This Dating Life 2

I really wish the really cute girl who lives upstairs spoke better English, because I speak zero Russian. I also wish I knew for certain she wasn't a prostitute, for that matter. She's always around in the middle of the day, and is never able to open the front door, so I always have to buzz her in. That doesn't mean she's a prostitute, but her lock opening skills are sub-par. I just went upstairs to turn off her burglar alarm, and she clearly doesn't know the English for the phrase "Come in, let me show you my bed, so that we may share it naked. O yeah, I am also very flexible, and my attractive female roommate is too."

Things I Might Have Thought Had I Been Thinking

Sorry DJ Gallo for sorta ripping you off. But I think I thought of thinking about this first.

So I watched the VP debate weeks ago, eagerly, as did everyone else. I wanted to watch Joe "Mad Dog" Biden put his foot in his foaming mouth before squashing the completely incompetent and out of her mind Sarah Palin. I wanted to see her embarrass herself, say stupid things, and feel completely out of her league, like a child in a grown-up conversation. For the most part, she disappointed, though she started out strong by basically announcing she was refusing to answer the actual questions and would talk about what she wanted. Way to go, maverick!

I found the debate pretty frustrating, as Palin and Biden were mostly just mouthpieces for Barack and John "MC JohnnyCaneCakes" McCain. Joe was often on the defensive as Palin just made things up, and he had to often repeat that what she said was untrue, because she would keep repeating her lies. Here are some more observations, in list form:

-Palin thinks Biden is old, but doesn't think McCain is.

-Palin needs to learn basic punctuation uses, such as commas and periods, and to pause for breath while speaking in 10 minute long run-on sentences.

-Joe Biden just said "Only 10 percent of the people who are -- have been affected by this whole switch from Chapter 7 to Chapter 13 -- it gets complicated." And then didn't explain it.

-Palin has claimed she and McCain wouldn't take anything off the table (referring to promises of programs made to voters) despite the current economic crisis. So, Sarah (may I call you Sarah?), how do you plan to pay for everything, if you're not going to raise taxes and you're not going to leave Iraq?

-None of Palin's sentences make sense. I don't know if that's because of the run-on, or what, but it seems she takes the question, doesn't answer it, twists things around, and then just says words, hoping they'll combine to form a coherent thought, such as: "to positively affect the outcome." She's like a white, female Xzibit...talking a lot, but not saying a thing.

-"Joe Biden would like to interject that Joe Biden and Sarah Palin have a difference of opinion, because her and Joe Biden don't agree on what Joe Biden is talking about." Congratulations sir, you've just now referred to yourself in the 3rd person for the 100th time.

-You've also referred to McCain as your friend for the 100th time. Forget which side you're on, Senator Biden? It's not your job to defend McCain. When are you going to smash Palin already? I know all the pundits said you couldn't, because it would make you seem like a bully, but Joe Biden doesn't have to listen to anyone Joe Biden doesn't wish to. The alternative is letting Palin spend the entire debate lying.

-"Nucular." Seriously? Palin, it's nuclear. You are able to clearly say Ahmadinejad (no small task) but not nuclear? It makes you sound more like a folksy moron.

-I think Palin was about to start talking about the Castro Brothers as two Cuban plumbers who had to fight Bowser and eat mushrooms to grow large.

-Here's what I imagine Sarah Palin's "good talk" with Dr. Henry Kissinger went like:
Sarah: "Hi Henry. Can I call you Henry?"
Kissinger: "No."
Sarah: "Okie dokie Henry. You ever hunt a moose, or a Russian? I can field dress either. Can I have your recipe for oatmeal raisin cookies?"
Kissinger: "No."
Sarah: "Thanks Doc. Good talk."

-"Say it ain't so, Joe, there you go again pointing backwards again. You preferenced your whole comment with the Bush administration. Now doggone it, let's look ahead and tell Americans what we have to plan to do for them in the future." There was a lot of that in the debate, despite Palin constantly talking about the last 8 years and how folks need change.

-I know a lot of people think Palin is hot, but I don't think I could even hate f*ck her with someone else's dick.

-I threw up a little in my mouth when Palin said this: "In my comment there, it was a lame attempt at a joke and yours was a lame attempt at a joke, too, I guess, because nobody got it. Of course we know what a vice president does."

-Moments later I cried a little when Palin decided the Constitution was flexible in it's definition of a VP's powers, and then exploded with joy when Biden finally put her in her place and said "The idea [Cheney] doesn't realize that Article I of the Constitution defines the role of the vice president of the United States, that's the Executive Branch. He works in the Executive Branch. He should understand that. Everyone should understand that."

Ikea? More Like YOU-KEA!

I decided this blog had become too much of a really professional quality movie review site and not enough of an arena for me to complain, so I'm taking it back to the old school. Friday night* I went out to the IKEA in Red Hook to look for Benno media shelves for my living room, to better organize my CDs and DVDs. I know what you're thinking: shouldn't I have had like 6 dates since I'm such a pimp? Well, I did, but I told them all, "Ladies, I need IKEA shelves. You'll have to wait for Saturday night to be happy."

Unfortunately, the story gets pretty sad for me, as I wasted 35 minutes in the IKEA store, and I knew exactly what I wanted and the general direction of where it would be. I spent 2 minutes finding out the item was discontinued, and the other 33 minutes trying to find my way out of the store, following exit signs that led to nowhere, weaving through mazes of cheap faux wood desks and finally following the smell of swedishn meatballs to the lingonberry jam fort near the exit,** only to fear for my safety once I made it to the parking lot, which was devoid of human life despite the three hundred plus cars parked there. O yea, go see Burn After Reading.

*Right, like YOUR Friday night was much better. You're reading this, so I doubt it. No offense mom.

**Special thanks to pkilla for references and for helping me keep my sanity when I felt trapped by the Stojka and Bruuuuuneg collections closing in on me.

Pumpkin Fields Forever

I went out to Long Island with my family to go pumpkin picking and to get any other kinds of fresh, farm picked produce we could get our greedy hands on. I find it sad that there's less and less farm land on L.I. as more and more identical gated communities are constructed with golf courses for rich assholes to own. I love pumpkin picking, and kept thinking of Linus in the patch. We don't do that fake shit, with pumpkins pre-picked in wooden crates or set up on grass. We go into the actual patch and cut them off the vines, frontier style. My sister and I spend hours looking around for perfect pumpkins, then bringing them together and debating their individual merits. For me, the ideal pumpkin is a deep orange color, a good 15-20 pounds, and roundish shape, with strong character traits, like deep grooves and furrows. No pretty boy pumpkin for me. It was a really fun day, and I came back super happy. Afterward, I realized I just want to be always surrounded by squashes, pumpkins, and gourds. Ah, pure bliss!

Thanks A Lot, Mets

Well, the baseball season officially ended the day the Mets managed not to make it to the playoffs. Again. I think more than anything, more than being sad, or angry, I was hurt. I felt betrayed. Being a freelancer and having TiVo has it's advantages, and one of those was being able to watch Mets games whenever I want. Out of the 162 games played this year, I watched at least 120 of them, most of those to completion, and went to another 7 or 8 games. That's a lot of time to waste on a team that won't even make it into the playoffs for you. I didn't want roses, or chocolate, or even Carlos Delgado to show up to my house and sing Hanukkah songs. I just wanted to root the Mets on in the playoffs. Thanks a lot guys. Now that you failed me, baseball is dead to me. I know next March I'll get all the familiar butterflies as Opening Day looms closer, but I'll know better. No longer will I so innocently and naively throw all my support and time into watching you pitch and hit your way to disappointment. Worse still, you'll be doing it a stadium with a sponsored, soulless name, Citi Field.

I'm not going to be entirely negative, though. I have some advice that can help you next year. Omar Minaya, please read this and see it through, and the Mets will be guaranteed NL Champions.

1. Change Carlos Beltran's calendar so that every month reads July, August, or September. These are the only months he seems to be able to hit for power in.

2. Take away some of Beltran's money. You're paying him an awful lot to be a 20/20 guy who's a little lazy in the outfield and tries to look cool by catching flyballs casually.

3. Stop playing Luis Castillo.

4. Take away all of Luis Castillo's money. Hey, he's no longer playing, so what's he getting paid for?

5. Clone David Wright and play him at second base and catcher. I used to use this strategy in Bulls vs. Blazers for Sega Genesis, playing 3 Michael Jordans and 2 Patrick Ewings. The team was unstoppable.

6. Let Johan Santana pitch every inning of every game.

7. Get Moises Alou a reverse-aging machine. This is not to be confused with a time machine. If Alou goes back in time, he'll still be old. But with a fountain of youth, Alou can once again hit .350 and will only miss 30 games a year, instead of 130. Hey, if they can fund Beltran's ocular enhancer machine, which seems to not have any tennis balls colored for overhand curve, they can afford this.

8. Desperately try to find a clause that reverses the Scott Kazmir for Victor Zambrano trade.

9. Make sure Ryan Church doesn't get any more concussions, maybe by wrapping his head in bubble wrap or forcing him to wear some sort of helmet, like in football or hockey. This guy wears a helmet, and never seems to get a concussion, despite running into things much harder than Marlon Anderson.

10. Petition MLB to make all Mets games only 6 innings long. Bullpen? Who needs a bullpen. Can't have blown saves or late inning collapses if there are no late innings.

Professional Movie Review # 12 Disciples

Go see Religulous. It's worth it for the image of a saddle on a triceratops at the Creationism Museum alone. I know the whole point of Bill Maher's movie is to ask questions and his philosophy is "I don't know," but I tell you with certainty, go see this movie.

Eagle Eye

To steal from Jesse's movie review technique, I give this movie 7 "Will Smiths with bionic arms in wife beaters" out of 10 possible "Will Smiths" for being a movie that's already been done. Oh, major spoilers ahead. By that, I mean I plan on giving away everything in the movie.

The action in Eagle Eye is fantastic, and non-stop. By fantastic, I mean relating to fantasy, and by non-stop I mean just that. It never ends, and maybe there's too much of it. I don't believe Michelle Monaghan is a good enough driver to pull off many of the moves she pulls while trying to get away from the cops. A million cars get totaled in the chase scenes, as Shia and Michelle are aided by someone with immense control over all technology, someone who makes lights turn green or red at will and gets a crane to run over a cop car. Seems like overkill to me. I spent much of the movie wanting to know who the mysterious woman who called both characters and left them messages everywhere and coordinated everything so they could get away was, only to be disappointed to find out it was a robot. Wait, no, not a robot. It was some sort of supercomputer that could watch everything and interface with everything and was meant to monitor humanity and make things better but ended up going all bad ass and thinking it had to control everything. Plot sound familiar? *Cough irobot Cough*

Why the Thing was in the movie, but the rest of Fantastic Four was missing, threw me for a little while as well, but I soon found other things to complain about. The movie is insanely long, and ends like this: Rosario Dawson and the guy who watches the computer figure out Shia's twin brother (who is much less of a screw up than Shia) sent them a message that the computer is evil, and they need to take it down. The computer's physical form, outside of it's computery looking parts, is an eye that goes round and round in a circle. Rosario and guy go to a high platform to do something to the eye's liquid nitrogen core, when the eye knocks them both off. Seriously. A huge sphere vs. Rosario and some guy who has a gun. And it's winning. They're in water, because for some reason the eye has a moat, yet no sea monsters to detract invaders, and things are all going to hell, so Rosario takes a big piece of pipe and jams it in the center of the eye, and it's over. That's it. Just jam a pipe in it's eye and it's over. Meanwhile, Shia, who made it into a secure area after beating up highly trained guards, shoots a gun in the air to prevent Michelle's kid from playing the note on his trumpet which has a sonic bomb-goer-offer device in it. Since he's shooting his gun in a room full of government types, he gets taken like 50 Cent by the Secret Service. At least 5 shots hit him. Oh, but he's still alive, as the last scenes point out, and he visits Michelle for her son's birthday and there's a kiss on the cheek and the movie ends.

That's it. That's the end. Over two hours of ridiculousness, with people doing everything for a computer, scared to death of it, and that's how the movie ends. No seeing Michelle in some lingerie, no Will Smith showing up to tell Shia to go home and not adapt his old movie, no Star Scream showing up to cackle and plot. That reminds me, I can't wait to see Shia in Transformers 2.

Grace is Gone: Another Professional Movie Review

Good movie. I kept thinking John Cusack looked a lot more like the late, great John Ritter with those glasses on than he did the handsome and likable Martin Blank in Grosse Point Blank. I found the movie a little weird when Cusack doesn't tell his daughters their mother died till the end of the movie, but it made up for that in emotions and story telling. I liked the rather subtle add-in that Cusack felt guilty he wasn't the one to be in Iraq due to poor eyesight. What really annoyed me, however, was the playing of sappy emotional music over conversations that are supposed to be emotional, as if the viewer wouldn't understand without the score.

The Populist People's Elbow

Maybe it was just me or the 4 beers I consumed during the convention, but I couldn't help thinking Obama sounded a lot like The Rock when he got really passionate about something. I was actually disappointed when he didn't call McCain a candy ass and threaten to lay the smackdown on the entire Republican party. Can you smellllllllllll what Barack is cooking?*

I also couldn't help thinking Obama sounded a lot like a kid trying to win the 5th grade school presidency. "We're going to build a pool in social studies class, all the teachers lounges will be turned into kids lounges with Xbox 360s, and every Monday, Wednesday and Friday will be pizza day!" I understand his message is all about hope and everything we can do, and I do believe he can bring about change. I just felt like he was biting off more than he could chew. Zero dependence on foreign oil in 10 years? Please. He's forgetting he can't be president for more than 8, and our technology for alternate energy sources is so far behind, I've read reports that solar energy wouldn't be viable large scale till 2050.


*After spending lots of time thinking this up and writing it out, I was informed Barack already did this on WWE. That doesn't make my idea or post any less funny. Trust me.

Shave and a Haircut, Two Bits

I got a coupon for a free haircut and shave from a barber who's business was in the middle of a spa with stereotypically Chelsea hairdressers, and figured why not. I like to get my haircut, I like free things, and I've never had a shave before. I shave my face with a razor maybe a few times a year, the last I could remember being for Dee and Martin's wedding in December as a favor to her. This was not an experience I'm eager to have ever again. You're in a chair, with a hot towel over your face, thinking, hey this is kinda cool. Then, when your eyes are open, you see a man coming at you with a straight razor, and all I could think about was mobster scenes in mobster movies where mobsters kill/get killed men in their barber shops with straight razors. The barber had to hold my skin tight, and when shaving my mustache-area, he had his forearm on my throat. Also not cool. To top it off, it wasn't even all that good a shave.*


*Much like this isn't all that good a post. They can't all be hits.

Olympics IV

In keeping with watching new sports in the Olympics, James Cash and I watched women's fencing. It was less like James Bond or The Three Musketeers and more like a giant slapping fight with 2 bendable plastic swords. Another sport which I think I could excel in, trained by watching old Errol Flynn movies. Engarde!

Olympics III

I really don't like Bob Costas, which is one of the major reasons I don't like the Olympics. He's the original Joe Buck, only worse.

That said, I'm fascinated by Olympic diving. They do all sorts of twists and turns in the air. It's magical. I'd love to see them dive from much higher up though, and do dive difficulties of 8 or 9, like a 12 1/2 inward somersault 6.875 (repeating decimal) twist while reciting the alphabet backwards. I've noticed China has been dominant so far in the diving contests. I wonder how they'd do in men's platform into shark tank competition. I couldn't help thinking, what if the world's greatest diver couldn't swim at all?

Olympics II

I don't think badminton should be an Olympic sport. I think a good qualifier for what should NOT be considered an Olympic sport is anything I might play at a family barbecue or picnic and which I could probably contend for the gold among the world's premiere athletes.

I did love the shock and awe the announcer had when declaring, during the women's final match where one Chinese lady attempted to out badminton the other Chinese lady, that "China has won the gold!" Yea, I never would have known China would win the gold without watching the whole match. And the silver medal too, you say? Shocking.

Olympics

Commentator: Mark Phelps' coach often throws obstacles at him during practice so he's ready for anything in the water.

Me: Like doing the butterfly next to the Loch Ness Monster?

James Cash: Does he throw bears in the pool? Surprise, water bears!

This Dating Life

I think it would be really fun to start a doomed relationship. One you know is going to end and soon. This doesn't necessarily mean it has to end badly, but I'd definitely not have to put too much into it, cause the fear of it dissolving isn't actually a fear at all, but more a certainty. Towards that end, I want to start dating women who are looking for a nice, Christian man to settle down with very soon. One, two dates tops, then "It was nice meeting you, but this isn't going to go anywhere."

What's a "Coatamundi," You Ask?*

DJ decided to take a long weekend, but only if HD and I would join him on a Great Adventure mostly of his choosing. I agreed to drive under one condition: we got to go on the Safari. I keep seeing commercials on TV where giraffes eat milkshakes out of your sunroof and elephants sit on your hood, so I was pretty psyched. I let DJ drive so I could ride shotgun and take photos, and Dynamo hung in the back with a bag of jerky in case he needed to taunt any Sasquatches on the trails. At first the safari was pretty boring, with only bison and emus and North American deer to see, but it soon picked up and I saw all sorts of antelope from Africa, along with too many ostriches, some zebras and some far away giraffes. Being able to spot wild rhinos in their natural habitat of a New Jersey theme park from only a few, barrier-free feet away was incredible. After a couple minutes driving around, I realized two major flaws to sitting shotgun: I couldn't open my own window to pet any of the animals and DJ wouldn't drive how I wanted (slower and off the paths so I could wrangle a zebra).

All of a sudden, we were done in Africa and entered the holy land: an entire area full of A LOT of black bears that weren't in cages. In my excitement, I managed to only come up with an estimate of like, 67 bears. I may have also shrieked with glee when one of the bears padded by the car like an oversized dog, and screamed in frustration when I couldn't pet him. We made it through after many joyful outbursts from me, and as we pulled into the next area, a sadness and longing to drive in reverse filled me. Sure, tigers and lions were great, but they couldn't fill me with happiness like bears do. And then, a miracle occurred. I started the day without any expectations for bears, and all of a sudden, we were in a second bear area for European brown bears. It was like a bear resurrection or something, and I felt like people probably did when Jesus rose; he was great the first time around, so there's no doubt he'll be great the second time too, though he'll be slightly different, like European instead of a black bear Jesus.

Unfortunately, DJ made us leave the bears area before we could see how a bear playing with a stick in a pond would play out. I guess "to be continued..." By the time the safari was over, I noticed we were the only car that was filled solely with "adults." DJ and Dynamo headed straight for the roller coasters when we got inside the park, while I found a shady section of grass and took a nap, pooped from my earlier great adventures.






*O yea, they had coatamundis in an area that was mostly for kids but still kind of fun. If you don't know what they are, look it up. I can't spoon feed you everything!

To Catch a Possum

This one time, at band camp, I caught a possum in a trap meant for a filthy feral cat. My neighbor decided to not let him out herself and also give him her leather jacket, in case he was cold or wanted to entertain us with his Fonz impression. Mr. Possum did not, but rather chose to grip on to the cage with his tiny monkey like paws while sort of snarling before scampering off to do whatever it is possums do when not playing dead. Overall, it was a pretty exciting day.

Call Me PRO-duce

If I ever became a gardening rapper/photographer, I'd be named PRO-duce.

Ecological Warfare

To combat a horrible mosquito problem in the backyard, I decided to go the organic/natural route and eliminate the bloodsuckers with biological control. I already had tiny goldfish living in my rain bucket to eat mosquito larvae and eggs, but I needed something to eat the adults too, so I bought a fire-bellied toad. I figured toads and frogs eat flying insects, with the exception of Kermit who is too celebrity to stoop to such levels. Plus, the fire belly is cool. I put Teddy Toad outside in his enclosed suite and left the sun roof open, hoping he'd pluck mosquitoes out of the sky. He didn't. After some research, I discovered that fire-bellied toads are from southeast Asia (which isn't actually relevant at all), are mildly toxic and eat worms and crickets, not flies, because they don't have a long tongue. I brought him inside and figured I could play fetch with him, or at the very least teach him tricks, like sitting in my hand without hopping away. Instead, whenever I'm near, he hops to the other side and presses himself against the plastic. Teddy even lets the crickets I bought for him walk all over him. So now I'm stuck with a toad with low self-esteem who won't really do the job I bought him for, can cause allergic reactions if I have open cuts on my hand and doesn't even like me.