Zing! Zang! Zoom!

Those are the magic words spoken by the Ringmaster and Levitatia at the beginning of the new Ringling Brothers Barnum & Bailey Circus. These words can be used to levitate children's parents and turn a person into a tiger, but unfortunately they can't make children care about anything but the animals and the clowns. The show started off in typical showmanship form, with bright lights, bright colors and much movement. Scientifically, kids can only see shiny or glittery objects and clowns, and the circus knows that. The circus also knows that kids try everything they see at home, like being a clown and taming the neighborhood tigers, so they included a special song, sung no less than 4 times throughout: the Disclaimer Song. It doesn't matter what kind of music it's set to or how scantily clad the dancers are, "Don't try this at home" isn't a song that makes me think upbeat and fun times.

Much had changed for the better since my last circus, where the main attraction was some hack clown with high spiked hair. This year, the circus not only had a champion in the Ringmaster, but also an enemy in Mr. Gravity. Yet it still couldn't hold a candle to my childhood experiences. Maybe it was the magic of it all, or maybe I just had problems focusing as a kid, but 3-ring circuses were 2 rings too many. Now, as an (immature) adult, I use my peripherals. Gunther Gebel-Williams, the greatest wildlife trainer of all time, holds a particularly special place in my heart. He had style, flash, class and panache. The man has photos where a full grown leopard is draped over his shoulders. Suck it, Siegfried and Roy! Nowadays, trainers are hacks. I kept rooting for the tigers and elephants over their trainers. Also, I badly wanted to befriend a zebra.

The more things change, the more they stay the same. This was never more evident than clowns doing 3 Stooges routines and getting loud laughter from the audience, which was oddly silent during the see-saw swing trapeze act and all other gymnastic routines. While I was incredibly impressed by the athleticism and feats performed by the aerial acrobats, Zing! Zang! Zoom! couldn't bring the magic back to the circus for me. I appreciated everything I saw on a level I couldn't, or didn't, as a kid, but that sparkle was absent. It left me with just one question: What about the firefighter clowns?

Amphibians Are People, Too

Since my original purchase of Teddy the fire-bellied toad, his habitat and neighbors have gone through many changes. After Ramona, his unwilling wife-to-be, and Zoinks 2, his fire-bellied newt neighbor, ran-off* (but probably not to be together), Teddy got a little down. Zoinks did as well, and my two goldfish aren't really great comforters. I hit upon the perfect solution; buy a 20-Long gallon tank and pimp it out. Enter Tammy, Teddy's new paramour, Sir Isaac Newton, Zoinks new fire-bellied newt compadre, and a cadre of tiger barbs. Now everyone's happy!









*It's not even funny how many amphibians are roaming around my apartment. If you're ever over and see a newt or toad, chances are it's mine. Thanks.

Spring Fling

This year, I decided to start my garden indoors and much earlier than last year. Turns out, seed germination works better when you can water the soil and the seeds aren't being eaten by birds or dug up by feral devil cats or squirrels. GERMINATION!

Toys

These are toys.

Dunny Series 5 by Reach guards my Lady Sovereign Ring and a motley crew of pirates

Bosco, from Kozik's Chumps, has been sentenced to be dwarfed by Erick Scarecrow's Muraida

Adult Swim x Kid Robot Assy McGee moons Bosco

Building the Better Concert

The other day, Dynamo and I braved a cold NYC winter and a late weeknight start time to go see J-Live in concert at the Mercury Lounge. It was one of the best decisions of the year; the concert was unbelievable. Usually at rap shows, I'm completely unimpressed by the opening act and the performers come out hours late. The sole show I've attended that started punctually was The Roots at Radio City Music Hall, which is an incredible venue.

Mercury Lounge is on the exact opposite of the size spectrum, which was good because I was right next to the stage, but bad cause some white kids who must've forgotten to shower or use deodorant that week kept knocking into me. Concentrating hard on Rabbi Darkside and the rest of 3rd Party's lyrics, I managed not to punch them. The trio, like J-Live, are all educators in the public school system; Farbeon is actually Rabbi's principal, while Hired Gun works at a different school. They all put it down hard, with intelligent lyrics and dope rhymes. The highlight for me was when J jumped off the stage and started rapping right next to me. He's been one of my favorite rappers since 2002, when I first heard "Satisfied," but I'd never seen him in concert. I also loved how Oddy Gato came back onstage along with a couple MCs from the audience to freelance with 3rd Party while J-Live spun. After the show, I copped all the albums I could, got "Always Will Be" signed and added more free stuff to my Jask shirt. "Building The Better Bomb," Rabbi Darkside's first album, has been on steady blast since then. If you like intelligent, yet catchy, hip-hop, you need to buy this.

For a much better and more cohesive review, check out Human Dynamo's page. Blurry cell phone photos, too!

Who Watches the Watchmen?

People with three hours on their hands who don't like Tyler Perry, that's who. I went in with some trepidation, since a lot of people said the movie sucked and was too slow, but I realized they're all 14 and think every movie should be like X-Men fights Pokemon. I had also thought what made Watchmen as a comic revolutionary and exciting in the late '70s had become old hat by now, but I was wrong. The message is still strong, and Rorschach is still completely bad ass. I wouldn't say the movie was fantastic, but it was a lot better than I was told. The special effects weren't cheesy, the fight scenes, though few, were good, with plenty of broken bones, and as an added bonus, Malin Ackerman, star of the disappointingly titled "Heavy Petting," gets all kinds of nekkid. I'm just saying. If you want to see professional reviews and hear how much Zach Snyder sucks, use your internet to search for things.

In other movie news, "The Wackness" is really great. How can a movie with Ben Kingsley and Method Man not be though? My only complaint is that they didn't have the big MEF in the movie more; I loved his not-so-good Jamaican accent and his lines about "The What" with him and Biggie going to be the next hot song. James Cash and I wonder if the only reason "The Wackness" was set in 1994 was so they could rip on Giuliani and play Biggie and Wu Tang.

Science! I said SCIENCE!

Recently, I got paid to drive roundtrip NYC to Amherst via New Haven and visit my friend J$.  The purpose of the trip was to transport a photographer to shoot two scientists who had won Humboldt awards, which means they are way smarter than me, and probably you too.  After all, you are reading a blog by me.  The Humboldts are squid-shaped and awarded to scientists only after they've won a Nobel prize, and come in such categories as "Smartypantsiest," "Best Biologically Robotic Neurosurgeon," "Best Dressed," and "Comeback Scientist of the Year."  They also come with a prize of five million euros over five years, with the winners required to move to Germany and attach themselves at a university for the duration, apparently in the hope the scientists will give all the money back by spending it on sausage and lederhosen.

I got to meet Professor Oliver Brock, of the Robotics and Biology department at UMass Amherst, and Chair of Comparative Medicine and Other Things Tamas Horvath of Yale.  Both were very down to earth, friendly and funny guys, who turned my image of a scientist on its head.  Scientists are normal people, just like you and me, only way way way smarter, apparently drink way more, and have interests like "the neuroendocrine regulation of homeostasis with particular emphasis on metabolic disorders."  It was my first time at Yale, or even stopping in New Haven, despite having made the trip to Boston or Amhest countless times.  From there, I got to go to my first Costco and peruse their TV section (great savings when purchasing 20!) and the 40-gallons-of-cheddar-sauce area, perfect for a small family of thirty.

Fiscal Fiascos

This is big.  Be prepared.  Sit down.  Strap on a seatbelt.  Take a deep breath.  I'm about to reveal my real name, which is a necessity for me to post this blog at the behest of Lord Josh.  Introducing, for the first time ever, Larry in "Larry bests the bank," followed by "Larry crushes the crazed and corrupt credit card computers."

"Hi, I'd like to cash this here check, with everything properly filled out, lady who I've never seen, despite coming here for 2+ years."

"Oh, it says here that your account is under Laurence, but the check says Larry.  How can this be?"

"See, Larry is a nickname for Laurence, which is my real name, but I always go by Larry."

"I still don't get it.  Manager, does this make sense?  Is Larry a nickname or shortening of Laurence?  I've never heard such ridiculousness."

"I will hold my temper in check.  Here is a business card as Larry, my gym membership with a photo as Larry, and my driver's license, as Laurence.  Is that enough dot connecting for you?"

"Grumble grumble mumble don't ever let me catch you using a nickname on a check again, despite you never having a problem before and 90% of your checks being made out to Larry."

It wasn't quite the eternal apologies and free silver and gold ingots I had hoped for, but I still claimed victory.

*****

"Hi, credit card company?  This is Larry.  Why isn't my account working?  Between the afternoon of one day and the night of the same day, my card started to get declined."

"Yes sir, it says here your account is past due."

"Right, I was late by one day on the payment, so I decided to push it off until the next payment cycle came around, since you'd slap me with late fees anyway, you soul sucking profiteering bastards."

"Well, sir, when your account becomes past due, after 6 days, you become eligible for a hold to be placed on your card, until the time when the amount is paid."

"Eligible usually refers to something you're going to win, and almost always conveys a positive notion.  My account got a hold placed on it 14 days later though.  I'm just trying to understand why this happened."

"Sir, I cannot say that it will happen again if you're past due, but I also cannot say that it won't."

"So you're saying this is completely random?  The head of Credit Card walks in one day in a bad mood cause his son left a toy out and he slipped on it, and decides to penalize my finances?"

"No sir, it is based on many different factors and decided by our computers, which incidentally also decide the fate of college football teams under the name BCS.  Have a good day and thank you for using us to purchase things you can't actually afford."

Mr. Peanut Is Coming For You

Stewart Parnell, owner of Peanut Corp. of America, is a no class giant peanut-head who can't even come up with a better name for his company than what they process. Recently, he decided to plead the fifth amendment in front of Congress when asked if he was a giant douchebag with no regard for the safety and well being of others as long as it meant turning a profit. If you haven't heard, Parnell is involved in the tainted-peanut salmonella outbreak, responsible for a number of deaths and many hundreds of cases of reported sickness. Most likely, he'll escape with a slap on the wrist, a fine that will mean nothing to him because he'll pass the cost onto the consumer or reduce wages. When the tainted milk scandal in China finally came to light, two of the men responsible were sentenced to death while another is serving a long jail sentence. Whatever their problems, at least China is now putting out a message to corrupt heads of businesses. It's as subtle as a head on a pike in front of a castle, but the meaning is clear.

I'm no advocate for the death penalty, but the US needs to get tougher food laws put in place. The problem is that the whining from the food industry's lobbying efforts is so loud, it drowns out all common sense and thoughtful recommendations. "We're going to lose money if we test our food to make sure it doesn't contain deadly diseases, or if we provide job training to the people who handle the food everyday and sometimes don't wash their hands, or are overworked and make mistakes and lose limbs," they cry. Japan and Britain were able to eradicate mad-cow disease in just two years by carefully testing their cattle supply and enforcing strict mandates on the food industry, such as not feeding infected dead animals to other livestock animals. They didn't even have to use genetic engineering for it, imagine that! The industrial-agro machine in the US is allowed to have voluntary recalls, to block inspectors advice, and to generally be assholes whenever they feel like it. Food safety is pushed back on the consumer, since it can't be, or won't be, enforced in the factory. "Make sure you cook your food thoroughly, because we may have allowed some awful disease to remain in this product we're selling you," they caution, while building forts out of million dollar bills. Break out the pikes and severed heads; it's time for change and stronger consumer protection.

Nerdicon 2009!

This past weekend was the 4th Annual NYC Comiccon, held at Jacob Javits Center. I've wanted to go for many years, being a closet nerd myself, and finally found a partner in Lord Josh. As the day got closer, I got giddier and giddier, until I couldn't take it any longer and got a Green Lantern tattooed on my chest. The first thing I noticed was how giant the convention was, and how packed it was. I wanted badly to barrel straight ahead and yell out "move out of my way, you damned nerds, or I'll force you aside with my power ring," but refrained. I have never seen so many nerds in one place. I mean, really. The event was light on free giveaways. Also, there were surprisingly few females, except for a couple dressed up as slutty pirate wenches, but really, just sluts, to promote...I don't know what. Who would have thought a comiccon would be such a sausage-fest?

For the most part, I was disappointed by the costume presence. Sure, there were a couple well done Ghostbusters, a Boba Fett, and many Star Wars dorks, but there was also a beer-bellied Spiderman, many horrible Jokers and a fat Baroness von Slut. I got to meet many authors and writers I respect and admire, and with one exception, everyone was super-nice and friendly, with no pretensions. Unfortunately, I missed out on Geoff Johns and Ivan Reis, writer and artist on Green Lantern, but met Peter Tomasi (GL Corps writer) and Patrick Gleason (artist GL Corps) who was nice enough to draw a quick sketch of Isamot on the cover of my GL Corps #1. Other highlights included Francis Leinil Yu, Arthur Suydam, who did my favorite cover of all time for Moon Knight, Mark Texiera, artist for Moon Knight, a Hal Jordan sketch made for me by Steve Walker, and flexing on Leonardo and Raphael of TMNT. I got to meet Charlie Huston, who brought Moon Knight back and turned it into one of the best written comics currently being published before passing it to the equally able Mike Benson. I had to keep a clear head as much as possible, because the 'con was so overwhelming. It was important to focus on things that could only be bought or seen there, rather than getting bogged down with the thousands of comics I lusted after that were being sold by guys with setups that looked like they belonged in an Elks Lodge.

Video games had a very heavy presence at the 'con, as did toys. I got geeked for the new, old school TMNT action figures, as well as Marvel and DC's new 3 inch lines. The show stealer though was Erick Scarecrow and his vinyl toy collection. I think it's quite fortuitous for him that his last name is Scarecrow. Worked out well. I've never been big into the vinyl, Japanese/graffiti inspired toy scene, but immediately loved the ESC Muraida ltd edition. Erick was the nicest guy we met there, from Queens, treated everyone like friends and is as tall as Josh and I. The two of us are currently fighting over who Erick likes best, and Josh's girlfriend Dara is really jealous. She shouldn't be though, because clearly it's me. Though if we ever go get tea, I'll definitely invite you, Josh.

Lord Josh found the toys!
	Mark Texiera of Moon Knight
Erick signing Muraida

Entertainment Tonight

I've been neglecting this blog recently, which I'm sure upsets most of the internet world, but with my recent foray into smarter subject matter, I've acquired such an immense amount of knowledge I was forced to retreat to the moon so my intellect wouldn't dwarf and overwhelm the citizens of Earth. True-ish story. Taking a cue from Dynamo, who originally took a cue from me, since I invented the movie review, I'm going to drop some critical critique as a critic might.

A month or two ago, I saw The Wrestler, which I can say without exaggerating, was unbelievably good. One of the main reasons was the actors in it. Like K-Kwik, aka Ron "the Truth" Killings, the greatest wrestler of forever. Yes, K-Kwik was in the movie. I knew Marisa Tomei still looked good, but having her topless in the movie? Bravo, director. Bravo. Mickey Rourke plays a washed up wrestler who constantly screws up and has a semi-estranged, possibly-lesbionic daughter. He can't walk away from the fame or the game, despite heart problems, failing health, a desire to do good again and man boobs. I don't know if they used anyone as a model for his character, "The Ram," but he reminded me of Shawn Michaels mixed with Mr. Perfect. There's a very clever scene, where Ram is working as deli man in a supermarket and walks out, through the corridors, mirroring a wrestling entrance. K-Kwik was in the movie, as well. While I've never been a famous person, nor a washed up celebrity, I found I could relate to his character, and even though I knew the movie wasn't real, I connected with Ram and kept hoping he'd make good choices and turn his life around for the better. This, plus the inherent likeability of Rourke's character, made it one of the best movies I saw all year, up there with Dark Knight. Did I mention K-Kwik was in the movie?

The only way Slumdog Millionaire is better than The Wrestler is if it stars Forrest Whitaker as a stealthy, loyal samurai and was actually called Ghostdog Millionaire. Don't get me wrong, the movie was fantastic and I'd like to hang out with Dev Patel in real life. I'd even consider hanging out with his ridiculously beautiful co-star Freida Pinto. You know, if she asked nicely and all. I just couldn't relate to the characters in Slumdog, having never lived in the slums or had such a hard-knocks life. Annie ain't got shit on you, Jamal! Except, maybe, weird zombie eye sockets. It was heartwarming and yadda yadda, I'm sure you've already read or heard enough about the movie from the media. My only major beef with the movie is how much destiny between Jamal and Latika is emphasized as an important plot point, yet never shown to the viewer. After they originally cross paths as little children, they meet again many times. This is however due to Jamal's dogged stalking ability, rather than any sense of fate or destiny. By the way, spoilers coming up. As for them being together, they never kiss before the end of the movie, and there's never even much interaction shown between the two of them. It feels like nit-picking, because this was a teriffic feel-great movie, but I don't believe it was the best of the year. Freida, I'm in Midwood, Brooklyn, in case you wish to convince me otherwise.

I Know How Fios Works

"HD, please explain the internet to me."
"What about the internet?"
"Well, I need to know about speeds. I mistakenly understand that 10 Mb/sec. should take me 1 second to download a 10 MB file, but how does it relate to 768 Kb/sec and what is a good internet speed for someone who just wants to check email and send the occasional 3-5 MB photo?"
"That's up to your boss. Any speed will allow you to get email. I have Fios, cause I'm fancy and like options."
"Would I need new wiring for Fios? Is it faster or cheaper?"
"No, because the light travels along glass tubing until it gets to you, then it runs on the copper cable that cable does."
"I'm so confused though, how does light carry signals on it?"

"No, it's more like...hmmm. Ok, it's like when you turn your flashlight on and off."

"That makes no sense. When I turn my flashlight on, I don't have internet and my TV doesn't work."

"Imagine the flashlight being turned on and off, super fast."

"So the Flash is the force behind Fios?"

Superman Returns: This Time, He's After Your Fiancee

I just started watching Superman Returns for the first time on cable, which isn't my preferred method, but I'm cheap. So far, I'm only through the credits, but they sucked so much I'm not sure if I can keep watching. Never before have I seen credits that have annoyed me, definitely not to the degree these cheap side effects did. Way to bite off a 5-year old's weak attempts at recreating the opening to Star Wars. In between vomiting, I noticed James Marsden's in the movie. He better be Cyclops, and Green Lantern better show up. Or else.

****

45 minutes into the movie, I present: Things I Would Have Been Thinking Had My Brain Not Shut Off:

-It's probably really cold in the Fortress of Solitude, yet Lex had no gloves on. Probably really slippery too, what with all that ice. There should really be a caution sign somewhere.

-Superman looks way too young to be Superman. And his jawline isn't square enough.

-This movie sucks.

-Why is time completely static in this? The newspaper, the characters especially Jimmy Olsen, all feel like they're from 1930's.

-At the very least, Lois should be suffering from a pretty bad case of death by being beaten around her whole body by the plane.

-I have bigger pecs than Superman. Biceps too.

-Capes don't flutter in space when standing still because there is no wind in space. No one can hear you scream, either. Unless there's a bunch of you on a ship or something.

-How come everyone forgets bullets bounce off Supes? The point-blank shot to the eye was kinda cool.

-Batman would beat the crap out of this pansy, lovesick, college freshman Superman faster than you could say "Joker escaped from Arkham again."

-Shit man, if I had superpowers, I'd be pulling so much tail...I mean, I'd be successfully courting lots of young ladies.

-Why was there a cannibalistic dog? Why did the wigs freak Lois out? Did they really have to make the little boy have super powers? What about the physics behind Superman's super sperm?

-Lex breaking off a kryptonite shiv in Supes' kidney area was pretty badass. However, there's still 45 minutes left. Why? Why so much time? Make this movie shorter, The Past!!

-Lois opens a window on A PLANE to throw out the kryptonite. Fiance says "What are you doing?" Then Superman opens window, stands there for a moment, and leaves. Deleted dialogue: "What is wrong with you people? You can't just open doors on planes. They're not like car windows. Have you never flown commercial? There's a reason those windows don't...HEY! Hey, Superman, where do you think you're going? Leaving the door open too...real nice. What, were you raised in a barn? Ha, I guess you sorta were. Still, close the damned door. Someone. Lois? Lois??!!"

-What an incredibly weak ending to an incredibly weak movie. Lex is trapped on a desserted island, Superman is able to fly a giant hunk of kryptonite without falling into his usual convulsions when even a little is nearby, and in the end, he doesn't get the girl. Which I'm actually happy about, because it would be pretty shitty to steal Cyclops' woman after he went back to save your ass. That's completely against the bro code.

-Man, this movie really sucked.

Laces Out, Dan!

No matter what the Miami Dolphins do in a few short hours against the Ravens, in their first playoff game since 2001, this season has been a remarkable success. From going an embarrassing 1 and 15 last year, though they hung close in a few games, to 11 and 5 this year and embarrassing the Patriots, this has been an amazing turnaround. Last season, they had such high quality players as Zach Thomas and Jason Taylor, whereas this season the consensus was there was no one on their defense. Joey Porter turned that all around by having a year worth talking a lot of trash* about, leading the AFC with 17.5 sacks. The offensive line was shored up behind 1/2 man, 1/2 giant Jake Long, helping Pennington throw for a career high in yards, which he did by spreading the ball around. There were a few Ted Ginn sightings, but Miami's success on offense was through throwing the ball to many receivers (since most aren't very good), running with Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams, and innovating behind the Wildcat formation. Trickery is a time honored tradition and has helped hide the fact that teams or players aren't very good since the times of Kordell "/" Stewart.

Can they get to the next round against a tough Baltimore defense today? It doesn't matter. Just watching them this season and seeing them win has been plenty. Every week, I counted the wins, divided by the win total of last year, and realized they had doubled, tripled, quintupled, octupled and elevendytoubled their wins. They are going to have some trouble topping it next year, however, because it's almost impossible to quadruple 11 wins, unless the NFL plans on finally adopting a much, much longer schedule.


*Joey would talk trash anyway. He can't help himself.

Yankees Sign Jesus to Minor League Contract

OK, in the interest of full disclosure, the Yankees didn't sign Jesus to a minor league contract, because everyone knows the son of god would be starting over Johnny Damon. However, they have now signed AJ Burnett, CC Sabathia and most recently, Mark Teixeira, easily giving them a lock on coolest named players in baseball. They were easily able to purchase the soul of Sabathia after outbidding themselves. When he stalled at their offer, which was FORTY MILLION more than any other team out there (because he wanted to stay with the Brewers and his shorter identical twin Prince Fielder and mash homeruns while eating bratwurst), the Yanks topped it by another 20 million.

Apart from the Yankees having a long history of luring players away from teams and making them completely unlikeable* (A-Rod, Damon, Giambi, Xavier Nady and now these 3), they've committed $420 million to these three, which is approximately 10 times the GDP of Ecuador if I did my research correctly. That's a lot of money. Sure, the good ol' Yanks have a long history of overspending on free agents, most of them crappy, which backfires to my delight. But now, with the new stadium being built (and behind schedule) they have one hand reaching into taxpayers pockets, while the other hand immediately throws that money to high priced players.

The Thug-brenners, long time owners of the Yankees, have for years threatened to move the team if they didn't get a new stadium, which, after 25 years of crying, led to the city forking over $941 million in tax-exempt bonds. The Yankees were allowed to raze public parkland without a real plan on replacing it (Bloomberg gets to call himself the environmental mayor and have a million trees initiative while his Parks Department doesn't even count, let alone inventory, the trees they started destroying before they were even allowed to) and when they do, most likely it will be on top of an underground parking garage with harmful rubber turfing.

The Yankees and their cronies were able to pressure land surveyors into coming up with a small appraisal for the land so not much would need to be replaced while telling the IRS it was worth 10 times the amount, at $200 million, so they could get P.I.L.O.T.s, or Payments In Lieu Of Taxes. However, the Yankees don't actually pay property taxes, so what these are in lieu of is really anyone's guess. Our mayor and city council are coddling rich assholes who want to save millions of dollars, so they can spend millions of dollars on things like larger scoreboards and nicer furnishings in luxury box offices while raising ticket prices to the very people whose money they are spending on these needless things. Now they're asking for 350 million more. The city doesn't make nearly as much back from public financing of new stadiums as they should, as much fewer new permanent jobs are created than advertised, the city gets stuck paying for a new Metro North station to accomodate overflow, and the Yankees** charge sales tax on tickets to pay back the tax-exempt bonds and not actually pay the taxes. Like so many before him to Wal-Mart and all those other big box retail bullies, New York's "illustrious" mayor has caved and screwed the people of this city.


*The Mets only lure players away and then they become awful. Yea, I'm looking at you Bonilla and Carlos Baerga.

**While this article is only about the Yankees because they're greedier and I'm a Mets fan, I don't believe CitiField, with 10,000 fewer seats and the power to displace many hard working people, needed to be built and definitely not with public money. Public money should be spent on things for the public, not private projects.

This Dating Life 3

So I had another date, and this one went pretty well. She was attractive, didn't dress like a lumberjack and at least faked a reach for her purse when the check came. Sure, she didn't use many words correctly and couldn't understand how freelancing worked, but I'm not that picky. It seemed we both had a good time, and I was expecting a 2nd date. The 2nd date never materialized, however, and I was told her gut didn't think we were a good match. I wonder if it had anything to do with me loving the Muppets and her, to this day, cowering in fear whenever anyone mentions The Count. One, one date that we went on. Two, two dates we'll never go on.

Double Your Action

Have you ever opened a container of strawberries, or any other kind of fruit, to find one attached to another and you'd think to yourself "wow, a double strawberry! What did I do to deserve such awesomeness?" Well, this is like that, except you'll be getting two movie reviews in one blog, instead of two strawberries.

I recently saw hit action movies Wanted and Hancock, which share almost nothing in common except both made me say "Hell yea, Will Smith" and both jumped the shark in the middle. The Loom of Fate? Really? You couldn't come up with a better plot device than to make some sort of loom that controls the actions of people throughout history, causing a society of assassins to be formed and then, later, to be killed by Angelina's ridiculously curvy...bullet? Was the Toaster of Destiny already taken? The Typewriter of Truth too expensive to get? I had been enjoying the absolute ridiculousness of the movie, the wanton violence and crazy special effects, the whole time wondering how much of Angelina they'd show, when, BOOM. I now have to think about a fucking textile making machine as the power behind the story, and that ruined it for me. It makes me sick to think I once wanted to curve my bullets too.

As for Hancock, I'm perfectly enjoying myself, watching a drunk, inconsiderate superhero and his always funny PR man, Jason Bateman, try to change the public's perception of him, when out of nowhere, Charlize Theron is also a superhero. But things aren't what they seem to be, for these are gods or angels that were apparently created for no purpose other than to ruin what had been a good movie.

Shea Seats

Oh my goodness oh my goodness oh my goodness. OH MY GOODNESS!! My Shea Stadium seats just arrived in the mail today and I am golly gee excited!! I've been waiting for these since I was about 10 years old (about 17.5 years ago). For just 950 dollars or so, I got two orange seats from the Field Level section, nailed to plywood and weighing in at 95 lbs., delivered to me TODAY. I am giddy! There's hardware to attach wooden legs so you can sit on them (the other sections would have needed to be bolted to the floor, so good thing I chose field instead of upper deck), but I can't get the seats out of the box yet. A friend joked I don't need to go to the gym, I can just lift the seats, but actually, I need to go to the gym before I can lift the seats. What I failed to take into account when I bought 2 seats from Shea Stadium was that the 2 seats have been at Shea Stadium for 28 years. That's a lot of spilled beers, sick fans and empty peanut shells that nobody cleaned up before shipping the seats.

Later that day...

After going through a number of socket wrenches and much anguish, I finally found a wrench lying right next to the seats that removed the bolts from the plywood and found I was able to lift the seats with ease. Either my mutation of super strength finally activated, or the plywood was keeping the seats grounded.

Things And Linens 'N Things

Recently, Linens N Things started having going out of business sales, but real ones, not the fake ones designed to lure in tourists in Times Square or Chinatown, or Russians in my neighborhood, where the store actually outlives everyone on Earth. This was most likely due to no one agreeing on whether the apostrophe came before or after "N."

Writing about the automotive industry and it's bailout got me thinking. Why is it OK for stores like Linens 'n Things and other big box retailers to go out of business, but if a car company does, it will take down the entire economy? Would an enterprising soul rise up and form a new shitty bed and bath store to fill the niche? Would Bed Bath & Beyond finally feel secure in it's market share, or would it expand? If neither happened, what would become of all the extra inventory?

The manufacturers wouldn't create stores, because for the most part, manufacturers don't want to interact directly with consumers, probably because most consumers are annoying and bring kids into stores who smear chocolate and whatever else happens to be in their hands/mouths all over the place. My guess is another department store would emerge, or maybe Sir Richard Branson will decide to scrap space tourism in favor of expanding the Virgin brand to include 400 thread count sheets and soap dishes.

Much of this is due to the rise of the department store, a one-stop-shop-and-drop for the lazy American inside all of us. Sure, the first department store can be attributed to Ireland in the 1830s, and Sears Roebuck and Macy's were rugged and glamorous in the late 19th/early 20th century, solidifying the department store in society. But now, led by Walmart and strip malls, department stores are aiming to take over the nation, bastardizing local culture in an increased homogenization and globalization designed to destroy individuality. Gone are local quirks and styles, replaced forever by cheesiness and the same landscape.

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In other economic news (suck it Suze Orman!! Wait, no, don't.) the deflation that everyone is worried about isn't coming soon enough. Over the summer, when oil prices were sky high, wheat went up too. Now that oil has fallen dramatically, I assumed pizza would be normal price again. But wait a minute, that's not how economics works at all! Why drop the price of a shitty slice of cheese pizza to a buck fifty when you can continue to charge two twenty-five and claim cows are an endangered species or this is the last shipment of tomato sauce until the middle of 2009?

Where Do I Sign Up For My $15 Billion?

It's easy for most people to write about what they know, because they can come off as an expert on the field, and others will listen and feel enriched by their knowledge. That's what this blog has mostly been about for the past 3 years, from bears to movie reviews to deciphering all the complicated technical things Human Dynamo does. Well, it's time I take the plunge, and write about something I don't know much about at all: economics. Specifically, the car industy's proposed bailout. (SPOILER ALERT: For a much better and more factual and intelligent argument, check out Human Dynamo's "Car Talk." But keep reading this first.)

A couple of weeks ago, Yahoo reported the following: "General Motors Corp. said Friday it lost $2.5 billion in the third quarter and warned that it could run out of cash in 2009 if the U.S. economic slump continues and it doesn't get government aid." Aww, GM needs more money from the government so they can make more cars that nobody can afford, or so they can buy another company so they have more of a stranglehold on the car industry. Sounds like we should definitely bail them out. For many years, car companies in the US have not been producing fuel efficient cars, almost as if they were in league with gasoline companies and believed everyone would contine to be a douche and purchase a Hummer. According to fueleconomy.gov, a website I didn't make up, compact cars in 2000 were maxing out at 40 mpg on the highway, with many in the low- to mid-30s, while today, a car is touted as being "fuel efficient" if it can get 33 mpg on the highway. Even discounting the outliers, we've maybe gained 1 mpg in 8 years, tops.

It might be too late now for the car companies to turn things around. In a recent article in "Mother Jones", Ford said their car plants were not interchangeable; a plant designed to produce pickups could not be converted to make hybrids. Global economics work both ways. While corporations in America clamor to have market share, as well as factories, in other countries and pervade their culture, so too can Americans buy Japanese or European imports that are designed to not waste our money on gas. The "big three" car-makers have always been afraid of competition, however. In the early days of cars, when cable cars were still a viable public transportation option, some of the heads of car companies, using front corporations, purchased all the trolley lines and tore up the track. Their lobby was so powerful, they got the government to pay to pave roads and create highways, whereas the trolley and railroads paid for the tracks themselves.*

The "big three" would like $15 billion, in loans, so they can continue not making any real advancements in fuel efficiency and selling pieces of junk while moving factories and jobs overseas, all while the common man can't get a bailout or any financial relief. Corporations nowadays not only mistakenly have equal rights as people, they sometimes have more. This all dates back to when a court reporter defied his Chief Justice in a case involving railroad barons in the 1880s, and the memo the reporter wrote was basically turned into law and referred to in subequent trials, granting rights, rather than privileges, to corporations, but not other large groups of individuals (like unions, government, etc.). It's getting harder and harder not to get depressed.


*I think. In the interest of not being too misleading, I will admit I didn't research railroads or trolleys.