Greatest Product Since (Ever)

Recently, HD let me borrow his Manlac...I mean "Blue Lightning"... to drive Janet out to New Jersey to win a free cruise and buy me pizza, because it gets better gas mileage than the Pimp Van. His Prius, not the pizza. His GPS, which stands for Gladly Puts you there System, is voiced by a very nice lady who sounds like she wishes people would take her more seriously and not decide to mess up her carefully designed routes by making wrong turns, thus forcing her to reroute our trip. C'est la vie, as I always say.

The Greatest Product Since ever is amazing in that it allows me to do two things. The first is hide my horrible sense of direction. Now I no longer need to phone HD for directions when I get lost driving around my own block. The second is I really no longer need to read street signs. About two years ago, I decided to give up on reading street signs, road signs or any other literature The Man decided to post in my field of vision while driving. Instead, I force my navigator to read for me. Now, with the help of the GPS lady, I no longer have to submit myself to the more unsavory aspects of driving and am free to weave in and out of traffic.

No, YOU'RE in Contempt!

A loooong time ago I received a juror's summons for James Cash, but keep forgetting to tell him about it. It might be important, cause I'd really hate for JC to have an arrest warrant on his head the next time he decides to rob a bank or punch someone in the face. Could be bad for him.

Best Joke Ever

There's no way Dutch wasn't written as a joke by two college pranksters in Belgium. "Hey, know what would be funny, now that we invented Welsh? Let's make a language with as many 'A's, 'J's and 'K's next to each other as possible." Example A: a pepper is "shoeppaprikaatjes." I don't think I need an example B to prove my point.

However, being a generous and benevolent person, here is a photo of the wrapping, which clearly shows that most, if not all, farmers in Holland have clown noses and answer to a bumblebee. While this isn't a reflection of the Dutch language, it does clearly define and comprehensively sum up Dutch culture, and gives a great insight into both the people and their agriculture.

Cylons

HD and I started watching Battlestar Galactica because John Hodgman likes it and eventually appears in it, plus I like the idea of sexy female robotos. Oh, and HD is a bit of a dork. Not me though. About halfway through the first season, I realized something. The Cylons seem to not have a plan beyond "have sex with as many men as possible." Sluttery will get you everywhere, apparently.

YOOO JOE

Despite everything I thought and assumed from the trailers, GI Joe was not a horrible movie. Don't get me wrong. It wasn't good. However, it's worth a watch, as much as if not more so than Wolverine Origins, especially if you're willing to close your eyes and ears at the end and not see or hear the whiny kid from 3rd Rock from the Sun become Cobra Commander. It's like he was suffering from the same throat soreness that afflicted Christian Bale throughout Dark Knight so he couldn't talk in his normal voice.

What made this movie ok was no over-reliance on the bullshit accelerator suits, unlike how the trailers portrayed it. I thoroughly enjoyed the 9th Doctor (Dr. Who, yo!) as Destro, and what's his name was good as Hawk. Also, Marlon Wayans is surprisingly good as Ripcord. Not because he reminds me of the Ripcord of my youth, but because he added some nice humor to the mix. Lastly, Sienna Miller. Damn. Sienna Miller. She was a FANTASTIC Baroness von Slut. Good god.

On to the bad. There's no Roadblock. How are you going to make a GI Joe without Roadblock, who's honestly in the top 3 Joes of all time (Snakeyes and Shipwreck are the other two, ps)? Heavy Duty is a poor substitute for his rhyme-talking, ridiculous machine gun holding, chef of a cousin. There weren't enough Joes or vehicles, ditto for Cobra's side. While adding Brendan Fraser as a fake-ass Gung-ho was a nice cameo touch, why didn't Sgt Slaughter make it into this? I know I would have enjoyed seeing him put Joseph Gordon Levitt in the Camel Clutch.

Never-before-heard-of Netflix

Like a modern day Ferdinand Magellan, I recently discovered a brand new, never before heard of service on the internet, called Netflix by it's employees, which sends movies to your house when you click on a link that says "send this movie to my house." You don't even have to say please. It's not just movies, either. They have TONS of TV shows too! I can get all the episodes I want of GI Joe or He-Man. Or ALF. Or the A-Team. I think. I haven't checked yet, because I can't stop jumping up and down. I can even get 3 at a time. It's a modern day miracle! Internet readers, you should really check this out. Netflix will become big in the future, you'll see. They just need to advertise to get the word out.

Newport Day 3: How TIme and Space Separated Sherman from Giada

Day the third in Newport was one I looked forward to quite fondly. The previous night had been fun, with me getting a self-assigned "C" on wing-man duty performances and thoroughly enjoying the fan's drowning out of any child noises. My old roommate Jesse was coming down from Providence for the day to be intimidated by HD's Prius and wonder what kind of wizardry allowed the car to move so stealthily. Despite his initial trepidation and many confrontations with the disembodied GPS voice, we managed to convince him the car wouldn't attempt to kill him and scored 50 cent muffins. We Crip-walked on the Cliff Walk, which is a 3 mile-long "trail" with a plummet down the cliff on one side and completely obscured mansions on the other. We managed to go 3/4 mile (if I'm being generous), but it's not the distance you travel that's important. It's how many fish did Jesse heal and save from being stuck in a tiny tidal pool, releasing them back into the water, that's important. And ye shall tell tales of Fish Jesus, and what miracles he has performed.

Rhode Island is experiencing a surge in working farms, and Newport especially is a great agritourism destination. That's agriculturally + tourism. We went to one of the nearby vineyards, Sakonnet Vineyards (pronounced immaturely as Suckonit) for a tasting and to make fun of the lady who served us wine. Driving through the town of Suckonit, we noticed a Suckonit Pizza, a Suckonit Yacht club, and signs for Sustainable Suckonit. When Jamie and his lady when last year, I found the joke amusing, but it wasn't till I was in Sakonnet that I realized the genius of it. After sampling some delicious (Gewurtztraminer, port) and not delicious (Vidal Blanc, Winterwine, Cabernet Franc), we headed to Anthony's, an unassuming seafood restaurant that seemed to cater to locals, or at least people who despise atmosphere and decor. The food, however, was delicious. I paired my king crab legs and scallops with a late harvest 2009 Dr. Pepper, which allowed all 23 flavors to shine through delightfully and added a playful touch with a wisp of cherries.

Finally, we headed back into town to grab gelato at a gelateria frequented by Giada Laurentiis in the hopes that HD would finally be able to make an honest woman out of her. After she left her husband, of course. Alas, it was not meant to be. We drove back to Brooklyn, slightly disappointed, yet content in the knowledge that the mascarpone and peas he bought would eventually lure Giada over.

Secretive mansions hiding behind whatever they can on the Cliff Walk

Cliff, of Cliff Walk fame

This is the rare Newport Slow Snail of Many Colors and Small Stature, on a leaf.

Chardonnays are way more bullshit than Merlot, Mr. Giamatti

Ah yes, 2009 was a fine year

Basil gelato + spoon = HD doing his best J-Live impression

Click here or here for more photos
Click here to read about the first two days again

Newport Days 1 and 2

HD and I took the Manlac on yet another road trip, this time to Newport, Rhode Island. We managed to travel the 200 miles in seven hours, yet only used up 1/2 a tank of gas. We finally arrived in Newport, known for it's mansions, waterways, quaintness and vast amounts of sea creatures, that would all be eventually consumed by HD, on Friday night. We enjoyed HD's friend's hospitality, with each of us getting our own room, and HD's brother, wife and 1 1/2 year old daughter getting the last. She caused the epiphany that maybe kids aren't a route I want to travel for a while. They cry all the time, wake you up in the middle of the night or at ridiculously early hours, can't feed themselves, force you to be selfless, and then grow up to hate you. Being woken up at 7 AM by the sound of Naomi counting stairs, but only getting up to 3 before starting over again, can make a man grumpy. What makes a man even grumpier is when her dad and HD both join in, and HD needs to be encouraged to get past 3 as well.

Between eating breakfast Saturday morning and driving back late Sunday night, many things happened. We ate lunch and dinner a couple times, and some ice cream. Some non-meal related things happened to. It was a beautiful, restful, enjoyable weekend, and I took many photos to share with my reader, Mom.
Everyone in Newport was really friendly. Some lady tried to lend us her mopeds, rent us a house, and get us to ride her elephant slide before letting us know where we could watch kids take a long jump off a short pier. Jellyfish and motor oil, ho!

Who wouldn't buy lemonade from this trustworthy looking beagle?

Though she looks sweet, she's plotting her next counting adventure

Shot of a herd of red seaweed digesting their meals of plovers

There is no retouching to see here. Only an incredible Adonis of a man. And no old woman laughed at me while this picture was taken.

HD 1, Water O

Click here for Day 3
For a different take on what happened, check HD's page
To see more photos, click here or here.

Yo dawg! I know how much you love batteries

Yo dawg! I know how much you love alkaline batteries, so I put your alkaline batteries in your rechargeable battery charger so you could have extra time with your batteries!

First, I was told my method of using and recharging rechargeable batteries was horrible and lowered the batteries life expectancy. Whenever the batteries for my Xbox 360 controller died, I would plug them in, wait 5 minutes, then take them out and keep playing while I put the other pair in. Once the current ones died, I'd switch them out for the 10 minute charged batteries, etc.

Now I'm being told by HD to just not touch any of the batteries, as I've managed to possibly ruin one of the chargers. Lesson learned.