Acronyms Are Fun

Recently I found out Drake, the Degrassi alum, crappy rapper and Lil' Wayne-jock-rider, is actually an acronym. I carefully studied his flow and lyrics, which prove it's possible to be asleep while rapping, in order to decipher his code. It also turns out his slow flow and need to hammer home all metaphors might not be his fault, actually. He's Canadian, and they're about to celebrate a new millennium, though they're quite worried about the Y2k bug. In the end, I realized the secret message buried in the letters was: Dumb Retarded Asshole Killing English.

Half Cocked at the Bar

Congratulations, Arizona, Georgia, Virginia and Tennessee! You all voted to make it legal to carry a gun in a bar or restaurant that serves alcohol, and gave me one more reason to never visit.

Some people don't feel comfortable working in such an environment, but that's probably just because they haven't heard all the completely rational arguments:

• The best way to prevent getting shot is to arm everyone (historical fact: the Cold War was awesome, and well thought out. All arms races/weapon stockpiling for deterrence are.)
• “If someone’s sticking a gun in my face, I’m not relying on their charity to keep me alive,” so he should have a gun to protect himself (which came first, the gun in the face or the gun to protect?)
• Gov. Perry of Texas argues that guns should be legal in colleges after a shooting at U. Texas, stating that armed bystanders might have stopped the gunman (or perhaps one of them might have been in the shooter)

Sure, I know you're not supposed to be drinking alcohol while carrying a completely legal gun you have a permit for, but I just don't see that stopping everyone. Guns and alcohol are manly, and why shouldn't they mix? It's obviously safer than drinking and driving, otherwise that'd be legal too. People never go to bars to blow off steam. Historically, bars have allowed patrons to carry guns on them. And it's always worked out. Just ask any Wild West movie.

Guns don't kill people. Drunk people in bars in Arizona, Georgia, Virginia and Tennessee who carried their gun in kill people.

Rihanna, Pt. 2

Dear Rihanna (again),

I noticed you haven't agreed to date me. Yet. That might be my fault. I didn't really give a time or place. Or tell you how to reach me. Also, the new wardrobe might have been an excessive request, especially before our first date. Which will be next Saturday. At your house. See you then!

Sincerely,
L Bo

Expendable Plot

I like action movies. It's hard no to. I'm pretty sure it was an evolutionary necessity. Previous to action movies, men were all just a bunch of wusses. Then John Woo started making movies. Men all over the world got excited and machismo flowed through their veins like blood of henchmen in Kill Bill. We were finally able to build up the courage, muscles, fighting skills, absurd weaponry, agility for outrageous stunts and logic that doesn't always make sense. And this was how humankind eventually destroyed the evil dinosaurs.

So it made perfect sense for me to see Expendables, which is possibly the ultimate guy movie. It stars Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, the honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dolph Lundgren, Jet Li, Terry Crews (the Old Spice "Building Kick" guy), Randy Couture, Mickey Rourke, Bruce Willis, and maybe other people. Statham is amazing in almost everything, but that's not a good reason to make Crank 2 or Death Race.* Just keep making movies with the exact same plot and action scenes as Transporter 1 and 2. The action movie fan sub species seemed fairly hyped for the first ever time Sly, Bruce and Ah-nald shared the screen, but it was over in 2 minutes and boring.

Strangely enough, that's not my only criticism of this movie. It seemed that rather than hire writers, or even a single writer, to make a script that made sense and had a plot, Stallone decided to let all the "actors" make their own "plots." This must've made sense at the time for two reasons. First off, after hiring all of these action stars and treating his face like Mr. Potato Head, Sly probably had no money for writers. Secondly, everyone is familiar with the old saying "Too many chefs makes the soup delicious and even Oscar worthy." This led to lots of plot threads for each character and a twist that everyone saw coming and nobody cared about. Still, without this movie, I'd never know how to infiltrate any Third World Countries, and it's possible we'd all be speaking dinosaur now.

*Or even Crank, really. That movie was no good.

Life is Like a Box of RPGs

Not the rocket-propelled grenades, but the Role-Playing Games. Yes, I play some. Yes, I'm a bit of a dork, and I'm ok with that. Once I realized that many RPGs allow you to befriend bears or dragons, I was hooked. I draw the line at things like Magic: The Gathering, and I don't play World of Warcraft (but nor do I mock it). I recently got hooked on Dragon Age: Origins, which features many customizable characters who will join your party, including an intelligent, but non-speaking dog, a drunk dwarf and a sexy witch. One of the main aspects of these games is completing quests, which are divided into essential ones which advance the main story line, and side-quests, which you obtain by making conversation choices with characters you come across. Often times, you're forced to return to characters several times and make decisions as you pick up new information.

After playing the game for many hours over many days, I started to see my life as an RPG. Two relatives of mine were having issues with each other, and I accidentally got caught in the middle. After speaking with one, I went to the other, and heard a different side of it. It became a "he said, she said" situation, but with grown-ups. Luckily, my orb of truth was able to reveal any lies, so I transformed into a spirit wolf or some shit and attacked with my sword, Fangs of Carnage. Problem resolved.

I Can Trick a Twelve Year Old

When asked about how old I was in my SHSAT test prep class, I apparently told one of the girls 55. I say apparently, because I don't always listen to what I say. Additionally, I don't remember doing that, because it's a brush off answer, and 26 years in the future. However, when other girls in the class asked me, this girl said "Oh, he's 55," and then got flustered when I denied that outrageous lie. "But that's what you told me," she whined back.

When I finally admitted I was born in 1981, she confidently yelled out "AHA! You're 31!"

I apparently need to focus more on the math section of the test.

This Dating Life: More or Less

Okcupid.com has a feature that lists people who are similar to the profile you're checking out, with some quick thoughts on how the new person stacks up. Some I've noticed recently are similar, less spiritual, less kinky, messier, and more mathematical. This frees up a lot of possibilities. I'm so used to going on dates and thinking to myself, I like you, but I'd like you even more if you were less spiritual. Let's see....NoLoveForGod83 is looking pretty good. And finally, I have a quick way to find an atheist who likes calculators more than washing her hair or sex!