Professional (And Unbiased) Movie Review: The Muppets

I shall firstly emphasize how completely unbiased this movie review is, despite me wishing for nothing more than a new Muppets movie for the last 12 years. Sure, I abandoned the naive notion of world peace in favor of Kermit and the gang on the big screen in my yearly pleas to Santa Claus, but that doesn't mean I can't be objective. And sure, I own a lot of Muppets memorabilia, including (but not limited to), action figures, t-shirts, comics and artwork by the immensely talented Amy Mebberson. And yes, I grew up on the Muppet Show, Sesame Street, Muppet Babies, all the Muppet movies, Jim Henson Hour and the Muppets Tonight. And definitely, I cried a little, many years ago when I heard a rumor Jason Segal, who can do NO WRONG, was going to write the next Muppets movie. However, none of that means I can't be objective.

Upon seeing posters and subsequently commercials, I was perturbed by this "Walter" character. I mean, do we really need a new Muppet? Granted, Sweet'ums probably couldn't play the role of Jason Segal's tiny brother, but hasn't the last major Muppet introduction, Elmo, sucking at everything caused enough trauma to the youth? But I found that while watching the movie, I didn't hate the new kid as much as I thought I would.

The movie shares equal story time between the plight of the Muppets and the humans, which would seem out of place to people who watched earlier movies which used humans more sparingly. Older fans will also be slightly disappointed by altered voices, due to many of the original puppeteers missing from the movie. The plot centers around the Muppets needing to get back together to foil evil oil magnate Chris Cooper, who has easily the best thought out and funniest song in the whole movie. One song and dance number is reminiscent of the suit dance from How I Met Your Mother; in another, Flight of the Conchords' Bret McKenzie's vision shines through. It was campy and hysterical and left me clapping at the end. Amy Adams and Jason Segal were brilliant as always (see above if you don't believe me), and finally, once again, the Muppets were in theaters.

My only issues with the movie are as follows:
1. Zoot didn't get to talk. He's zany and out there and says random funny things.
2. Swedish Chef didn't get a cooking with swedish chef spot on the show.
3. While there were some pretty great guest appearances (I won't ruin them here), the movie DEFINITELY missed out by not including Andy Samberg or Bill Hader, who would be perfect in this. Bill Hader would be perfect in any movie, but I'm getting off track slightly. Andy does a great Chef, and the whole SNL cast can jump in too.
4. Back to the guest appearances, the movie also missed out by not having the whole cast of How I Met Your Mother on it, which I would have enjoyed immensely.
5. There was no Jessica Biel, and no Rihanna. It was almost like this movie wasn't made to cater to my every whim. Seriously though, no Rihanna? She could fit into the movie seamlessly and play, I don't know, let's say...my girlfriend. I'd go see that movie in a second.

That's it. Those were the only issues I could see. Hopefully everyone else realizes how great this movie was and what a great idea it is to bring back this proud franchise to weekly television (not cable please). And perhaps Jessica Alba or Justin Timberlake can make guest appearances also. Just cause.

Rihanna, Pt. 4

Dear Rihanna,

You may have noticed I haven't been as attentive towards you recently as you would hope. As you can see from my last post, I currently have a girlfriend. Yea, we're exclusive and stuff. She even wears my promise ring.

However, I think it would be okay if you were to help me, say, combine my two interests.

As always, you know where to reach me.

PS I want to address some rumors you may have heard, spread by pkiller. You are NOT just a fetish.

Speak to you soon,
L Bo

Rihanna, Pt. 3

Dear Rihanna,

Thank you for the Te Amo video. This is one of the greatest things that's ever graced my computer screen. Over and over and over. And over, again.

Sincerely,
L Bo

Rihanna, Pt. 2

Dear Rihanna (again),

I noticed you haven't agreed to date me. Yet. That might be my fault. I didn't really give a time or place. Or tell you how to reach me. Also, the new wardrobe might have been an excessive request, especially before our first date. Which will be next Saturday. At your house. See you then!

Sincerely,
L Bo

Rihanna

Dear Rihanna,

You are beautiful. Will you go out with me and buy me a new wardrobe?

Sincerely,
L Bo

When You Get a New Car...

And you're feelin like a star
What you gonna do?
GHOST RIDE IT!

This is the mantra, the theme song, of the insanely brilliant ghost riding movement. Long languishing in the defined and dark shadow of regular driving, ghost riding has finally broken free. No longer will it be considered second rate, behind rolling down the strip in your whip. Ghost riding, like the proverbial adolescent who rejects his father to become his own man, has rejected conventional wisdom, safety concerns and common sense and can proudly say, "I'm my own man!"

A weekend in Amherst spent watching Rihanna videos* (good god!), Ghost Riding The Whip 4: Ghost Ride It! and other crap on youtube has taught me many valuable things. For one, ghost rided the whip, not ghost rode the whip as many mistakenly believed, is the past tense of ghost ride the whip. The other is that ghost riding was/is so popular because secretly, all rappers want to ride floats in a parade.

*PS Rihanna's military outfit seems quite functional.