Professional Movie Review: Hunger Games

It turns out, I don't have the emotional capacity or maturity to watch The Hunger Games.  Nor, you could argue, the stones.  My most recent guys night out involved me hunched over in a corner, gently rocking back and forth, and saying "please don't let them get catness, please don't let them get catness," while my friends exclaimed the movie wasn't brutal enough.  The one point I will agree with my bloodthirsty gladiator friends is that Catness never had to make a hard decision.  She was never forced to kill the innocent, or the cute, to survive.

Beware.  Spoilers abound.

The thoughts I remember having during the movie, when not crying or getting excited over something:

• That fancy city was what would happen if Marilyn Manson, the Joker, a flamingo and Demolition Man ever tried to conceive a child together, and then the child decided to import a futuristic Mermaid Parade.
• Pita is not a boys name.  Neither is Gale.  Peter is.  And so is Hurricane.
• It really bothered me that the people running the "game" could just conjure up fireballs and ground hounds to help kill people.  Takes away from the whole gladiator / fairness aspect, I thought.
• It was a little creepy when Pita said he'd been watching Catness and following her all the time.  "Everyday.  No, seriously.  No, no, seriously." Stares intensely at her.  "EVERY.  DAY."  Proof once again that women love to be stalked.
• I KNEW the little girl was going to be killed.  I just knew it!  Mostly because everyone had to die, as that was the main point, but still.  I totally called it.
• I was very satisfied that the movie had an ending, but very confused by that fact as well.  I remember watching Lord of the Rings and knowing it was a trilogy, yet still being utterly bewildered and majorly angered by the "ending" where the intrepid band of adventurers walked across a plain and then...End.
• What happens now?  Does Catness have to keep fighting in the games because her sister is too scared all the time?  If only there were SOME way to find out what will happen in the next movie.