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It turns out, I don't have the emotional capacity or maturity to watch The Hunger Games. Nor, you could argue, the stones. My most recent guys night out involved me hunched over in a corner, gently rocking back and forth, and saying "please don't let them get catness, please don't let them get catness," while my friends exclaimed the movie wasn't brutal enough. The one point I will agree with my bloodthirsty gladiator friends is that Catness never had to make a hard decision. She was never forced to kill the innocent, or the cute, to survive.
Beware. Spoilers abound.
The thoughts I remember having during the movie, when not crying or getting excited over something:
- That fancy city was what would happen if Marilyn Manson, the Joker, a flamingo and Demolition Man ever tried to conceive a child together, and then the child decided to import a futuristic Mermaid Parade.
- Pita is not a boys name. Neither is Gale. Peter is. And so is Hurricane.
- It really bothered me that the people running the "game" could just conjure up fireballs and ground hounds to help kill people. Takes away from the whole gladiator / fairness aspect, I thought.
- It was a little creepy when Pita said he'd been watching Catness and following her all the time. "Everyday. No, seriously. No, no, seriously." Stares intensely at her. "EVERY. DAY." Proof once again that women love to be stalked.
- I KNEW the little girl was going to be killed. I just knew it! Mostly because everyone had to die, as that was the main point, but still. I totally called it.
- I was very satisfied that the movie had an ending, but very confused by that fact as well. I remember watching Lord of the Rings and knowing it was a trilogy, yet still being utterly bewildered and majorly angered by the "ending" where the intrepid band of adventurers walked across a plain and then...End.
- What happens now? Does Catness have to keep fighting in the games because her sister is too scared all the time? If only there were SOME way to find out what will happen in the next movie.
Thanks for the birthday present, Hollywood. Once again this year, you've created a Marvel comics-based movie just in time to celebrate me, and along with a few other titles, that, although they didn't come out on my ACTUAL birthday, were still probably made with me in mind. Chief amongst these is Avengers, which is a fantastic follow-up present to last year's Thor, a movie I've been wishing for at least the last 12 birthday candle blow-outs. A movie about the Norse God of Thunder, who also just happens to be my favorite Marvel super-hero, had big shoes to fill. Which it did. Fill the shoes, I mean. The only way to make this a better birthday present last year was to have Natalie Portman share equal time shirtless with Chris Hemsworth. But back to this year. As if Thor, the amazing Robert Downey Jr and equally amazing, but for different reasons, Scarlett Johannson weren't enough, Avengers gets HAWKEYE, my favorite archer not named Robin Hood, played by Jeremy Renner (of Unusuals unfame).
But the present parade doesn't end there. Presumed abducted by aliens, writer Gideon Defoe makes a triumphant return with his The Pirates! Band of Misfits movie, which appears to combine multiple books into one cartoon movie. As if just creating the movie wasn't enough, my friend Hollywood also asked David Tennant, aka the best Dr. Who ever, to voice a character.
Wait, there's more? How could Hollywood be so generous, you may ask. We go way back. Coming out in a few short days is RIHANNA'S acting debut! Sure, it's in the sure-to-be-crappy Battleship, which is SO untrue to the original game, but it's still a movie with Rihanna in it. I'll assume this was Hollywood's idea of a gag gift. Still, I'm definitely sending you a Thank You card this year, 'wood.
I'm going to see the Muppets movie tomorrow. I can't even think about anything else. If it's not good, I don't know what I'll do with myself; maybe watch the entire Season 1 DVDs after it? Though I'll probably do that either way. OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD I can't wait. I may not even sleep tonight. If I do, I'll definitely wear my muppets footie pajamas. F it, I'll do that either way. MUPPETS!!!!
Welcome, 2011! I'm so very glad you could join us, and I'm highly excited for your arrival. There's a great chance you'll be an amazing year!
The Green Lantern movie, which I've been waiting for for 15 years, is finally being made. And though I have questions about it, it's still Green Lantern. Even if the movie sucks, I'll still have a GL movie to watch and complain about. It's like they say, the worst sex is better than no sex. And if it's really that bad, there's still the Thor movie to look forward to. I'm not the biggest fan of 3D, but I pee my pants a little* every time I think about Mjolnir hurtling towards me.
*Not actually what I do, but my mom reads this.
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