My Raised Beds Bring All the Vegetables to the Yard

Raised bed, raised bed, what you gonna do when asparagus grows out of you and feeds me?

Three dollar bird feeder plus song bird food equals loud blue jay screeching.

Potimarron squash secured in it's hexagonal, cinder block protected home.

Potimarron squash's roots. And my hand.

You're a Tree By the Way, Part 4: Beauty is But Fleeting

Unfortunately, the beauty that is an apricot tree in full bloom is but fleeting. Strong winds, careless prods with a paint brush and natural life cycle cause the event to only last a week at the most. After, one is reminded of the splendor by the tiny white petals that dot the landscape and the stamens and pistils and all the other private parts that stay affixed to the tree.

Note the McFarlane Joey Harrington in the lower right hand

Ooooh, artsy!

Ok, so far only 1 or 2 flowers have dropped, but you can imagine if there were more, right?

The Manger's Lamb Was Made of Marzipan

Every year for the last 7 or 8, Rosemary, DJ's Sicilian mom, invites HD, Janet and I over for Easter and Christmas meals, which are always extravagant authentic Italian feasts. Most everything has stuffing in it as well. My favorite part of the meal is the shuschetta, which I can't actually spell. It's straciatella (chicken soup with eggs) with meatballs in it, and would easily beat up other soups. I've been coming to Rosemary's house since DJ and I first became friends 14 years ago, and relish these chances to come back to a second home, to feel at ease and enjoy good food, good wine and great company. Plus, there's always a ton of marzipan.

Here Janet takes photos of the straciatella plus meatballs soup. She uses a camera.

In this photo, Janet can't figure out the cheese grater, because it's not a camera.

Stuffed mushrooms AND stuffed peppers?!?!?! WOWOWOWOWOW!

The candy basket was made out of solid chocolate and had stale Peeps, Rosemary's favorite, in them. I brought home a huge chunk.

Janet didn't like that I took a photo of her with her eyes closed. She probably should have kept them open then.

Dear Mike Birbiglia

Dear Mike Birbiglia,

I'd like to apologize for pointing and looking like a jackass when I saw you in the lobby of a building on Broadway. I was going there with a photographer I work for to make some prints for his portfolio, and when I realized the man in the lobby in a spacesuit was one of my favorite comedians, I couldn't control myself. As the realization dawned on me that you weren't a cosmonaut or Buzz, my brain sent information to my arm and told it to point, almost obnoxiously. It was very kind of you to say, in an exaggerated way since you were on the other side of glass, "I know. I'm in a spacesuit!" It wasn't the outlandish outfit, which you were wearing for your upcoming tour with Comedy Central that will be unbelievably hysterical, that caused me to be excited and querulous, but more so just your presence. I never get to run into people I admire or am starstruck by (sorry whichever Olsen twin I was on the shoot with), and so I couldn't think of much more to say than how much I loved your off Broadway "Sleepwalk With Me" and how funny I think you are. I wish I had thought to shake your hand, or get a photo with you, or ask if I could shoot a portrait of you someday, or see if you perhaps wanted to grab a beer and talk about the Muppets, because maybe that's something you like also. Let's be honest; it's hard not to.

At first I was sort of glad I didn't wear my "I'm a bear, etc." shirt, because that would be embarrassing. On the other hand, maybe if I had, you'd know I'm a fan and even though we differ in opinion on bears, that's what we could talk about over beers. Well, I hope you had a good shoot. I saw the promo photo and your facebook shot, and they looked good. I may comment on your page or send fan mail, but by now, you've probably forgotten about me in the sea of people who pointed at the man in a space suit. Good luck on the tour and hopefully I'll get to sit front row at another show.

Your friend (well, not really, but I could be),
Larry

You're a Tree By the Way, Part 3: The Blooming

Apricot trees in New York and other colder places, like Scotland and Sweden and Connecticut, need to be manually pollinated. This is much less dirty than it sounds. Since bees are still sleeping when King Cot gets his (or her) little flowers, a soft paint brush must be taken and tickle each flowers private places.

Wisteria lives in the shadow of my apricot tree. And the metal bars on my window.

You're a Tree By the Way, Part 2: The Logging

Gary, my retired phone worker/current clown-for-hire neighbor, climbs a ladder and uses a tool from Old Bethpage to cut down a "tree of heaven"




Apricot tree is about to bloom, showering the earth with beautiful white blossoms. Also, ladder.



Apricot tree loves Wu-Tang; elm tree prefers scraping windows



The string beans are coming, the string beans are coming!



My blueberry bush is budding; preparing a second raised bed for asparagus.

Zing! Zang! Zoom!

Those are the magic words spoken by the Ringmaster and Levitatia at the beginning of the new Ringling Brothers Barnum & Bailey Circus. These words can be used to levitate children's parents and turn a person into a tiger, but unfortunately they can't make children care about anything but the animals and the clowns. The show started off in typical showmanship form, with bright lights, bright colors and much movement. Scientifically, kids can only see shiny or glittery objects and clowns, and the circus knows that. The circus also knows that kids try everything they see at home, like being a clown and taming the neighborhood tigers, so they included a special song, sung no less than 4 times throughout: the Disclaimer Song. It doesn't matter what kind of music it's set to or how scantily clad the dancers are, "Don't try this at home" isn't a song that makes me think upbeat and fun times.

Much had changed for the better since my last circus, where the main attraction was some hack clown with high spiked hair. This year, the circus not only had a champion in the Ringmaster, but also an enemy in Mr. Gravity. Yet it still couldn't hold a candle to my childhood experiences. Maybe it was the magic of it all, or maybe I just had problems focusing as a kid, but 3-ring circuses were 2 rings too many. Now, as an (immature) adult, I use my peripherals. Gunther Gebel-Williams, the greatest wildlife trainer of all time, holds a particularly special place in my heart. He had style, flash, class and panache. The man has photos where a full grown leopard is draped over his shoulders. Suck it, Siegfried and Roy! Nowadays, trainers are hacks. I kept rooting for the tigers and elephants over their trainers. Also, I badly wanted to befriend a zebra.

The more things change, the more they stay the same. This was never more evident than clowns doing 3 Stooges routines and getting loud laughter from the audience, which was oddly silent during the see-saw swing trapeze act and all other gymnastic routines. While I was incredibly impressed by the athleticism and feats performed by the aerial acrobats, Zing! Zang! Zoom! couldn't bring the magic back to the circus for me. I appreciated everything I saw on a level I couldn't, or didn't, as a kid, but that sparkle was absent. It left me with just one question: What about the firefighter clowns?

Amphibians Are People, Too

Since my original purchase of Teddy the fire-bellied toad, his habitat and neighbors have gone through many changes. After Ramona, his unwilling wife-to-be, and Zoinks 2, his fire-bellied newt neighbor, ran-off* (but probably not to be together), Teddy got a little down. Zoinks did as well, and my two goldfish aren't really great comforters. I hit upon the perfect solution; buy a 20-Long gallon tank and pimp it out. Enter Tammy, Teddy's new paramour, Sir Isaac Newton, Zoinks new fire-bellied newt compadre, and a cadre of tiger barbs. Now everyone's happy!









*It's not even funny how many amphibians are roaming around my apartment. If you're ever over and see a newt or toad, chances are it's mine. Thanks.

Spring Fling

This year, I decided to start my garden indoors and much earlier than last year. Turns out, seed germination works better when you can water the soil and the seeds aren't being eaten by birds or dug up by feral devil cats or squirrels. GERMINATION!

Toys

These are toys.

Dunny Series 5 by Reach guards my Lady Sovereign Ring and a motley crew of pirates

Bosco, from Kozik's Chumps, has been sentenced to be dwarfed by Erick Scarecrow's Muraida

Adult Swim x Kid Robot Assy McGee moons Bosco

Building the Better Concert

The other day, Dynamo and I braved a cold NYC winter and a late weeknight start time to go see J-Live in concert at the Mercury Lounge. It was one of the best decisions of the year; the concert was unbelievable. Usually at rap shows, I'm completely unimpressed by the opening act and the performers come out hours late. The sole show I've attended that started punctually was The Roots at Radio City Music Hall, which is an incredible venue.

Mercury Lounge is on the exact opposite of the size spectrum, which was good because I was right next to the stage, but bad cause some white kids who must've forgotten to shower or use deodorant that week kept knocking into me. Concentrating hard on Rabbi Darkside and the rest of 3rd Party's lyrics, I managed not to punch them. The trio, like J-Live, are all educators in the public school system; Farbeon is actually Rabbi's principal, while Hired Gun works at a different school. They all put it down hard, with intelligent lyrics and dope rhymes. The highlight for me was when J jumped off the stage and started rapping right next to me. He's been one of my favorite rappers since 2002, when I first heard "Satisfied," but I'd never seen him in concert. I also loved how Oddy Gato came back onstage along with a couple MCs from the audience to freelance with 3rd Party while J-Live spun. After the show, I copped all the albums I could, got "Always Will Be" signed and added more free stuff to my Jask shirt. "Building The Better Bomb," Rabbi Darkside's first album, has been on steady blast since then. If you like intelligent, yet catchy, hip-hop, you need to buy this.

For a much better and more cohesive review, check out Human Dynamo's page. Blurry cell phone photos, too!

Who Watches the Watchmen?

People with three hours on their hands who don't like Tyler Perry, that's who. I went in with some trepidation, since a lot of people said the movie sucked and was too slow, but I realized they're all 14 and think every movie should be like X-Men fights Pokemon. I had also thought what made Watchmen as a comic revolutionary and exciting in the late '70s had become old hat by now, but I was wrong. The message is still strong, and Rorschach is still completely bad ass. I wouldn't say the movie was fantastic, but it was a lot better than I was told. The special effects weren't cheesy, the fight scenes, though few, were good, with plenty of broken bones, and as an added bonus, Malin Ackerman, star of the disappointingly titled "Heavy Petting," gets all kinds of nekkid. I'm just saying. If you want to see professional reviews and hear how much Zach Snyder sucks, use your internet to search for things.

In other movie news, "The Wackness" is really great. How can a movie with Ben Kingsley and Method Man not be though? My only complaint is that they didn't have the big MEF in the movie more; I loved his not-so-good Jamaican accent and his lines about "The What" with him and Biggie going to be the next hot song. James Cash and I wonder if the only reason "The Wackness" was set in 1994 was so they could rip on Giuliani and play Biggie and Wu Tang.

Science! I said SCIENCE!

Recently, I got paid to drive roundtrip NYC to Amherst via New Haven and visit my friend J$.  The purpose of the trip was to transport a photographer to shoot two scientists who had won Humboldt awards, which means they are way smarter than me, and probably you too.  After all, you are reading a blog by me.  The Humboldts are squid-shaped and awarded to scientists only after they've won a Nobel prize, and come in such categories as "Smartypantsiest," "Best Biologically Robotic Neurosurgeon," "Best Dressed," and "Comeback Scientist of the Year."  They also come with a prize of five million euros over five years, with the winners required to move to Germany and attach themselves at a university for the duration, apparently in the hope the scientists will give all the money back by spending it on sausage and lederhosen.

I got to meet Professor Oliver Brock, of the Robotics and Biology department at UMass Amherst, and Chair of Comparative Medicine and Other Things Tamas Horvath of Yale.  Both were very down to earth, friendly and funny guys, who turned my image of a scientist on its head.  Scientists are normal people, just like you and me, only way way way smarter, apparently drink way more, and have interests like "the neuroendocrine regulation of homeostasis with particular emphasis on metabolic disorders."  It was my first time at Yale, or even stopping in New Haven, despite having made the trip to Boston or Amhest countless times.  From there, I got to go to my first Costco and peruse their TV section (great savings when purchasing 20!) and the 40-gallons-of-cheddar-sauce area, perfect for a small family of thirty.

Fiscal Fiascos

This is big.  Be prepared.  Sit down.  Strap on a seatbelt.  Take a deep breath.  I'm about to reveal my real name, which is a necessity for me to post this blog at the behest of Lord Josh.  Introducing, for the first time ever, Larry in "Larry bests the bank," followed by "Larry crushes the crazed and corrupt credit card computers."

"Hi, I'd like to cash this here check, with everything properly filled out, lady who I've never seen, despite coming here for 2+ years."

"Oh, it says here that your account is under Laurence, but the check says Larry.  How can this be?"

"See, Larry is a nickname for Laurence, which is my real name, but I always go by Larry."

"I still don't get it.  Manager, does this make sense?  Is Larry a nickname or shortening of Laurence?  I've never heard such ridiculousness."

"I will hold my temper in check.  Here is a business card as Larry, my gym membership with a photo as Larry, and my driver's license, as Laurence.  Is that enough dot connecting for you?"

"Grumble grumble mumble don't ever let me catch you using a nickname on a check again, despite you never having a problem before and 90% of your checks being made out to Larry."

It wasn't quite the eternal apologies and free silver and gold ingots I had hoped for, but I still claimed victory.

*****

"Hi, credit card company?  This is Larry.  Why isn't my account working?  Between the afternoon of one day and the night of the same day, my card started to get declined."

"Yes sir, it says here your account is past due."

"Right, I was late by one day on the payment, so I decided to push it off until the next payment cycle came around, since you'd slap me with late fees anyway, you soul sucking profiteering bastards."

"Well, sir, when your account becomes past due, after 6 days, you become eligible for a hold to be placed on your card, until the time when the amount is paid."

"Eligible usually refers to something you're going to win, and almost always conveys a positive notion.  My account got a hold placed on it 14 days later though.  I'm just trying to understand why this happened."

"Sir, I cannot say that it will happen again if you're past due, but I also cannot say that it won't."

"So you're saying this is completely random?  The head of Credit Card walks in one day in a bad mood cause his son left a toy out and he slipped on it, and decides to penalize my finances?"

"No sir, it is based on many different factors and decided by our computers, which incidentally also decide the fate of college football teams under the name BCS.  Have a good day and thank you for using us to purchase things you can't actually afford."

Mr. Peanut Is Coming For You

Stewart Parnell, owner of Peanut Corp. of America, is a no class giant peanut-head who can't even come up with a better name for his company than what they process. Recently, he decided to plead the fifth amendment in front of Congress when asked if he was a giant douchebag with no regard for the safety and well being of others as long as it meant turning a profit. If you haven't heard, Parnell is involved in the tainted-peanut salmonella outbreak, responsible for a number of deaths and many hundreds of cases of reported sickness. Most likely, he'll escape with a slap on the wrist, a fine that will mean nothing to him because he'll pass the cost onto the consumer or reduce wages. When the tainted milk scandal in China finally came to light, two of the men responsible were sentenced to death while another is serving a long jail sentence. Whatever their problems, at least China is now putting out a message to corrupt heads of businesses. It's as subtle as a head on a pike in front of a castle, but the meaning is clear.

I'm no advocate for the death penalty, but the US needs to get tougher food laws put in place. The problem is that the whining from the food industry's lobbying efforts is so loud, it drowns out all common sense and thoughtful recommendations. "We're going to lose money if we test our food to make sure it doesn't contain deadly diseases, or if we provide job training to the people who handle the food everyday and sometimes don't wash their hands, or are overworked and make mistakes and lose limbs," they cry. Japan and Britain were able to eradicate mad-cow disease in just two years by carefully testing their cattle supply and enforcing strict mandates on the food industry, such as not feeding infected dead animals to other livestock animals. They didn't even have to use genetic engineering for it, imagine that! The industrial-agro machine in the US is allowed to have voluntary recalls, to block inspectors advice, and to generally be assholes whenever they feel like it. Food safety is pushed back on the consumer, since it can't be, or won't be, enforced in the factory. "Make sure you cook your food thoroughly, because we may have allowed some awful disease to remain in this product we're selling you," they caution, while building forts out of million dollar bills. Break out the pikes and severed heads; it's time for change and stronger consumer protection.

Nerdicon 2009!

This past weekend was the 4th Annual NYC Comiccon, held at Jacob Javits Center. I've wanted to go for many years, being a closet nerd myself, and finally found a partner in Lord Josh. As the day got closer, I got giddier and giddier, until I couldn't take it any longer and got a Green Lantern tattooed on my chest. The first thing I noticed was how giant the convention was, and how packed it was. I wanted badly to barrel straight ahead and yell out "move out of my way, you damned nerds, or I'll force you aside with my power ring," but refrained. I have never seen so many nerds in one place. I mean, really. The event was light on free giveaways. Also, there were surprisingly few females, except for a couple dressed up as slutty pirate wenches, but really, just sluts, to promote...I don't know what. Who would have thought a comiccon would be such a sausage-fest?

For the most part, I was disappointed by the costume presence. Sure, there were a couple well done Ghostbusters, a Boba Fett, and many Star Wars dorks, but there was also a beer-bellied Spiderman, many horrible Jokers and a fat Baroness von Slut. I got to meet many authors and writers I respect and admire, and with one exception, everyone was super-nice and friendly, with no pretensions. Unfortunately, I missed out on Geoff Johns and Ivan Reis, writer and artist on Green Lantern, but met Peter Tomasi (GL Corps writer) and Patrick Gleason (artist GL Corps) who was nice enough to draw a quick sketch of Isamot on the cover of my GL Corps #1. Other highlights included Francis Leinil Yu, Arthur Suydam, who did my favorite cover of all time for Moon Knight, Mark Texiera, artist for Moon Knight, a Hal Jordan sketch made for me by Steve Walker, and flexing on Leonardo and Raphael of TMNT. I got to meet Charlie Huston, who brought Moon Knight back and turned it into one of the best written comics currently being published before passing it to the equally able Mike Benson. I had to keep a clear head as much as possible, because the 'con was so overwhelming. It was important to focus on things that could only be bought or seen there, rather than getting bogged down with the thousands of comics I lusted after that were being sold by guys with setups that looked like they belonged in an Elks Lodge.

Video games had a very heavy presence at the 'con, as did toys. I got geeked for the new, old school TMNT action figures, as well as Marvel and DC's new 3 inch lines. The show stealer though was Erick Scarecrow and his vinyl toy collection. I think it's quite fortuitous for him that his last name is Scarecrow. Worked out well. I've never been big into the vinyl, Japanese/graffiti inspired toy scene, but immediately loved the ESC Muraida ltd edition. Erick was the nicest guy we met there, from Queens, treated everyone like friends and is as tall as Josh and I. The two of us are currently fighting over who Erick likes best, and Josh's girlfriend Dara is really jealous. She shouldn't be though, because clearly it's me. Though if we ever go get tea, I'll definitely invite you, Josh.

Lord Josh found the toys!
	Mark Texiera of Moon Knight
Erick signing Muraida

Entertainment Tonight

I've been neglecting this blog recently, which I'm sure upsets most of the internet world, but with my recent foray into smarter subject matter, I've acquired such an immense amount of knowledge I was forced to retreat to the moon so my intellect wouldn't dwarf and overwhelm the citizens of Earth. True-ish story. Taking a cue from Dynamo, who originally took a cue from me, since I invented the movie review, I'm going to drop some critical critique as a critic might.

A month or two ago, I saw The Wrestler, which I can say without exaggerating, was unbelievably good. One of the main reasons was the actors in it. Like K-Kwik, aka Ron "the Truth" Killings, the greatest wrestler of forever. Yes, K-Kwik was in the movie. I knew Marisa Tomei still looked good, but having her topless in the movie? Bravo, director. Bravo. Mickey Rourke plays a washed up wrestler who constantly screws up and has a semi-estranged, possibly-lesbionic daughter. He can't walk away from the fame or the game, despite heart problems, failing health, a desire to do good again and man boobs. I don't know if they used anyone as a model for his character, "The Ram," but he reminded me of Shawn Michaels mixed with Mr. Perfect. There's a very clever scene, where Ram is working as deli man in a supermarket and walks out, through the corridors, mirroring a wrestling entrance. K-Kwik was in the movie, as well. While I've never been a famous person, nor a washed up celebrity, I found I could relate to his character, and even though I knew the movie wasn't real, I connected with Ram and kept hoping he'd make good choices and turn his life around for the better. This, plus the inherent likeability of Rourke's character, made it one of the best movies I saw all year, up there with Dark Knight. Did I mention K-Kwik was in the movie?

The only way Slumdog Millionaire is better than The Wrestler is if it stars Forrest Whitaker as a stealthy, loyal samurai and was actually called Ghostdog Millionaire. Don't get me wrong, the movie was fantastic and I'd like to hang out with Dev Patel in real life. I'd even consider hanging out with his ridiculously beautiful co-star Freida Pinto. You know, if she asked nicely and all. I just couldn't relate to the characters in Slumdog, having never lived in the slums or had such a hard-knocks life. Annie ain't got shit on you, Jamal! Except, maybe, weird zombie eye sockets. It was heartwarming and yadda yadda, I'm sure you've already read or heard enough about the movie from the media. My only major beef with the movie is how much destiny between Jamal and Latika is emphasized as an important plot point, yet never shown to the viewer. After they originally cross paths as little children, they meet again many times. This is however due to Jamal's dogged stalking ability, rather than any sense of fate or destiny. By the way, spoilers coming up. As for them being together, they never kiss before the end of the movie, and there's never even much interaction shown between the two of them. It feels like nit-picking, because this was a teriffic feel-great movie, but I don't believe it was the best of the year. Freida, I'm in Midwood, Brooklyn, in case you wish to convince me otherwise.

I Know How Fios Works

"HD, please explain the internet to me."
"What about the internet?"
"Well, I need to know about speeds. I mistakenly understand that 10 Mb/sec. should take me 1 second to download a 10 MB file, but how does it relate to 768 Kb/sec and what is a good internet speed for someone who just wants to check email and send the occasional 3-5 MB photo?"
"That's up to your boss. Any speed will allow you to get email. I have Fios, cause I'm fancy and like options."
"Would I need new wiring for Fios? Is it faster or cheaper?"
"No, because the light travels along glass tubing until it gets to you, then it runs on the copper cable that cable does."
"I'm so confused though, how does light carry signals on it?"

"No, it's more like...hmmm. Ok, it's like when you turn your flashlight on and off."

"That makes no sense. When I turn my flashlight on, I don't have internet and my TV doesn't work."

"Imagine the flashlight being turned on and off, super fast."

"So the Flash is the force behind Fios?"

Superman Returns: This Time, He's After Your Fiancee

I just started watching Superman Returns for the first time on cable, which isn't my preferred method, but I'm cheap. So far, I'm only through the credits, but they sucked so much I'm not sure if I can keep watching. Never before have I seen credits that have annoyed me, definitely not to the degree these cheap side effects did. Way to bite off a 5-year old's weak attempts at recreating the opening to Star Wars. In between vomiting, I noticed James Marsden's in the movie. He better be Cyclops, and Green Lantern better show up. Or else.

****

45 minutes into the movie, I present: Things I Would Have Been Thinking Had My Brain Not Shut Off:

-It's probably really cold in the Fortress of Solitude, yet Lex had no gloves on. Probably really slippery too, what with all that ice. There should really be a caution sign somewhere.

-Superman looks way too young to be Superman. And his jawline isn't square enough.

-This movie sucks.

-Why is time completely static in this? The newspaper, the characters especially Jimmy Olsen, all feel like they're from 1930's.

-At the very least, Lois should be suffering from a pretty bad case of death by being beaten around her whole body by the plane.

-I have bigger pecs than Superman. Biceps too.

-Capes don't flutter in space when standing still because there is no wind in space. No one can hear you scream, either. Unless there's a bunch of you on a ship or something.

-How come everyone forgets bullets bounce off Supes? The point-blank shot to the eye was kinda cool.

-Batman would beat the crap out of this pansy, lovesick, college freshman Superman faster than you could say "Joker escaped from Arkham again."

-Shit man, if I had superpowers, I'd be pulling so much tail...I mean, I'd be successfully courting lots of young ladies.

-Why was there a cannibalistic dog? Why did the wigs freak Lois out? Did they really have to make the little boy have super powers? What about the physics behind Superman's super sperm?

-Lex breaking off a kryptonite shiv in Supes' kidney area was pretty badass. However, there's still 45 minutes left. Why? Why so much time? Make this movie shorter, The Past!!

-Lois opens a window on A PLANE to throw out the kryptonite. Fiance says "What are you doing?" Then Superman opens window, stands there for a moment, and leaves. Deleted dialogue: "What is wrong with you people? You can't just open doors on planes. They're not like car windows. Have you never flown commercial? There's a reason those windows don't...HEY! Hey, Superman, where do you think you're going? Leaving the door open too...real nice. What, were you raised in a barn? Ha, I guess you sorta were. Still, close the damned door. Someone. Lois? Lois??!!"

-What an incredibly weak ending to an incredibly weak movie. Lex is trapped on a desserted island, Superman is able to fly a giant hunk of kryptonite without falling into his usual convulsions when even a little is nearby, and in the end, he doesn't get the girl. Which I'm actually happy about, because it would be pretty shitty to steal Cyclops' woman after he went back to save your ass. That's completely against the bro code.

-Man, this movie really sucked.

Laces Out, Dan!

No matter what the Miami Dolphins do in a few short hours against the Ravens, in their first playoff game since 2001, this season has been a remarkable success. From going an embarrassing 1 and 15 last year, though they hung close in a few games, to 11 and 5 this year and embarrassing the Patriots, this has been an amazing turnaround. Last season, they had such high quality players as Zach Thomas and Jason Taylor, whereas this season the consensus was there was no one on their defense. Joey Porter turned that all around by having a year worth talking a lot of trash* about, leading the AFC with 17.5 sacks. The offensive line was shored up behind 1/2 man, 1/2 giant Jake Long, helping Pennington throw for a career high in yards, which he did by spreading the ball around. There were a few Ted Ginn sightings, but Miami's success on offense was through throwing the ball to many receivers (since most aren't very good), running with Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams, and innovating behind the Wildcat formation. Trickery is a time honored tradition and has helped hide the fact that teams or players aren't very good since the times of Kordell "/" Stewart.

Can they get to the next round against a tough Baltimore defense today? It doesn't matter. Just watching them this season and seeing them win has been plenty. Every week, I counted the wins, divided by the win total of last year, and realized they had doubled, tripled, quintupled, octupled and elevendytoubled their wins. They are going to have some trouble topping it next year, however, because it's almost impossible to quadruple 11 wins, unless the NFL plans on finally adopting a much, much longer schedule.


*Joey would talk trash anyway. He can't help himself.