This Dating Life: Back Again, Surprise!

Conversation with woman from online dating site who I never met, but spoke with 6 months ago, then started dating someone else, now back in the dating game, and hoping to woo her into going out with me, since she was of the mind set that I was very inconsistent and inconsiderate:


Scorned woman: What do you do for a living?  I've forgotten


Me, pluckily: I'm a CIA agent/photographer/urban farmer/leg model


Her: unemployed?


Me, truthfully for the first time in too long, and triumphantly: Actually, no


Her: I'm guessing you are a photographer


Me, hysterically: That's cause you haven't seen my legs yet


Her, in a textual tone that let me know my goal wasn't working: Oh god


Me, trying to answer for real:  I am a photographer.  I'm working at a photo agency right now.  I teach. And I AM an urban farmer.  But I'm not a hipster.


Her, possibly disappointedly, and definitely breaking fundamental rules of English 101: But you aren't a leg model.  And you aren't a CIA agent.


Me: I can't confirm or deny that last one.


In the end, my charisma, charm and pluckiness won out and we went on some dates.  I ended up ending it, rather inconsiderately.

This Dating Life: The More Things Change...

After a brief 5 month hiatus from dating, due to an obstacle commonly referred to as a girlfriend, I decided to get back on the horse, so to speak, as my typical first date involves going to the OTB. The first lady lucky enough to date me was pretty cool. She was tall, at 5'10, she planned a burger crawl (much like a pub crawl, only everyone feels even more disgustingly sick afterwards) for a second date, and we seemed to be having a good time with each other without any seriousness, which was what I was looking for.

Unfortunately, she seemed to not think that just having a good time was enough, which I got from the email response she sent me out of the blue that said as much. Her words, quoted below, frustrated me, because I've heard them so frequently. I wish everyone's idea of me drowning in women was actually factual, though not in some weird, horror movie kinda way, in which I actually have my lungs filled with women, and drown. Cause that would suck. But this isn't the first time I've been told women should be beating down doors to date me, and yet it still hasn't occurred.

"I have really had a nice time on these last few dates getting to know you and I think you are a really sweet and funny dude and are probably often drowning in women or at least one day you will be...(possibly virgins if the Qu'ran ends up being correct)...but I am not really feeling it in the way I should be after three dates. And after three dates is when two people probably actually start to say non-committal things like "we are seeing each other" and I just don't want to lead you on by continuing to date you."

I tried calling and letting her know I felt the same way but had a lot of fun and we should continue to just have fun, but I don't think it's possible for a guy to say those things without them coming across like all he wants to do is sleep with the girl. Oh well, on to the next one, as that Jay-Z character says.

Rihanna, Pt. 4

Dear Rihanna,

You may have noticed I haven't been as attentive towards you recently as you would hope. As you can see from my last post, I currently have a girlfriend. Yea, we're exclusive and stuff. She even wears my promise ring.

However, I think it would be okay if you were to help me, say, combine my two interests.

As always, you know where to reach me.

PS I want to address some rumors you may have heard, spread by pkiller. You are NOT just a fetish.

Speak to you soon,
L Bo

This Dating Life: Tortoises Are NOT Turtles

Sometimes I wonder if I'm too picky when it comes to dating. Perhaps I'm a snob, or I let stupid little things get to me. I screen my dates pretty well, ensuring they can spell, they're over 21, they don't have an Adam's Apple (funny story about that...one of my friends, when much younger, believed it was an item unique to him, in name. His name is Adam, and so he by this logic, I'd have an L Bo's Apple) and they're not interested in my millions. Of imaginary money. Still, sometimes in the middle of a first or second date, they will say something I find difficult to believe, as I considered them intelligent enough to go out with. For example, this woman told me, after my semi-long exaltation of the benefits of heritage animals and heirloom fruit that she didn't know what heirloom meant. I know it was wrong, but it made me think less of her. In the end, it didn't matter anyway.

After much debate back in December, I decided to give another online lady the benefit of the doubt and meet her for a first date. Somehow (as always), animals had come up in our correspondence, and she had this to say about tortoises and turtles: "I confess I don't totally understand what a tortoise is. I imagine them as being slightly less cute [than turtles], but I think that has more to do with children's stories than reality." This might seem insipid, even harmless, but then I got to thinking; what other species of animal would she be unable to identify or would she confuse? What if we were out for a night stroll and she remarked there was a really cute dog following us, and it was in fact a rabid wolf? Or we could be visiting friends who she said have a pet iguana, and in reality it was a tyrannosaurus rex? Thank you for saving my life, paranoia, instincts, and snobbery!

This Dating Life: Oh, This is Your Apartment?

On a third date recently, I inadvertently (or unintentionally, if you prefer) walked my date back to her apartment. I knew it was her apartment because we stopped what I had assumed was our aimless walking, and also because she said "This is my apartment, in case you were wondering why we stopped walking." I had no problem with the walk home; we were close by, and I was going to offer to do it anyway. This just seemed like a strange way, a request-less transport. Our second date had went really well, and the third seemed to build on that. At this point, I was expecting an invite up for dessert (or, you know, maybe S-E-X), but unfortunately, that didn't happen. After some good night "discussions", she told me what a great time she had and how courteous, charming, gentlemanly and handsome I was and retreated to bed. I was left wondering why it was so difficult to gain access to a woman's apartment, and not in a creepy burglar or stalker way. Is there a magic password, like Pee-Wee Herman's word of the day?

Rihanna

Dear Rihanna,

You are beautiful. Will you go out with me and buy me a new wardrobe?

Sincerely,
L Bo

This Dating Life: The Anti Match

On OKCupid.com, a free dating site with women who know how to post photos that they didn't take themselves while making kissy faces in the mirror, there is a matching system. Based on your interests, your attributes/skills (cause women like a guy with skills), how you answer questions and where Venus is in the sky, you are considered a percentage match to the other person. This comes in the form of % Match, % Enemy and % Friend. Recently I got an email with the title "Anti-Match." Read for yourself:

"According to OKCupid we are a 0% match. I think that's awesome."

I disagreed:

"I know you like laughter, but I hate it. You're a teacher, but I think education is stupid. You have a huge crush on Harry Potter, however, and I used to as well, so I'd say we're more like an 11.7% match. Not 12%, cause I hate rounding. Which also cost us those three-tenths of a percentage match points."

This Dating Life, Cut Short

A while ago, in the very first of the mostly disastrous outcome "This Dating Life" series, I wrote how amazing it would be to be in a relationship you knew was doomed. No pressure at all, and with any luck, you could skip buying gifts at Valentine's Day and her birthday. I was actually able to realize this goal when I started to see a liberal, wanna-be Presbyterian pastor from Texas. Alas, it didn't even get to the "as a woman of the cloth, I'm not sure I can be with a Jew like you."