Baby Wins in Me Vs. Baby; Nation Shocked

Since I last saw baby Maren, she's grown exponentially cuter. Also exponentially wilier and manipulative. Thankfully she still doesn't know what exponents are, otherwise this round of Me vs. Baby would have been a blowout.

Maren's parents have given her a toy to play in for her high grades in imaginary school. It's called safari-bounce-a-lot or something like that, and teaches her many important things. Music will occur whenever you move in it, just like in real life. Polar bears and penguins get along famously and both LOVE being spun around. Most importantly, it teaches her that every animal in the world, from sea lion to toucan and back, is there to be grabbed and put in her mouth.

When not destroying the world's ecosystems to aid in her toothing, baby Maren also loves playing a game called Zebra Floor. It's very complex, but to simplify the rules, she has a zebra with multi-colored legs. She throws it on the floor. You hand it back to her in a nice gesture, and she throws it on the floor again. Giggle and repeat. Since she's still quite young, she's still able to manipulate her parents into cleaning up her poop. And believe me, she's VERY happy about that. The lesson here is that babies have it good. I wish I was excited by anything as much as Maren when her mom tells her she can play on the floor for a little. Not quite able to crawl yet, she'll spin around and around until after a good 20 minutes, she makes it 3 inches away, just to touch something shiny. No locomotion skills to speak of, but always happy.

Me Vs. Baby Again

A recent holiday card from Dee and Marty Mart featuring their beautiful baby on it reminded me of my one encounter with the child and how I further compared favorably with her.

- I can hold my own head up, by using my NECK.* Maybe you need to hit the gym, baby? Or just get one of these!

- I can eat solid foods. Cause I got TEETH! OHHHHHHH!!!

- I've outgrown pooing in a diaper. However, I'm going to give you this point, baby, because you can do the worst things, like POOING WHILE SITTING ON SOMEONE'S LAP, and they think it's cute. They don't just forgive your faux pas, they embrace them! Not me though. I can see through the goo goo ga ga and the crying. I know you're taking advantage of the situation, and you need to stop, baby!**

So, once again, I'm better than you, tiny baby. I'll give you this, it's getting closer. Of course, you're going to grow up bilingual, loved by two amazing parents, and if your current cuteness is any predictor, very cute. For now, however, I'm going to relish being better than you.

*This is one of the reasons holding a baby freaked me out

**This is the other. Spitting up and taking craps? Pass.