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While telling my SAT class where I live, because a couple of them live in my area:
Big, kinda scary, HS junior Defensive End with deep Brooklyn voice: Hey. I used to live on Phoney Island Avenue* between Avenue Teepee and Blings Biway. You ever see me over there?Me, hiding my incredulity and laugh pretty well: No, I don't think so. You ever see me?DE: Nah.
*Note: Names of streets have been deliberately poorly altered to protect actual streets.
Official numbers are now in, and the battle for most blog postings in 2009 was won by me, handily defeating Human Dynamo 73 to negative 7. If quality of rhymes counted for more than quantity of half-thought asinine ideas written sloppily, then HD would have won. However, they don't. So better luck in 2010. Jerk.
A recent holiday card from Dee and Marty Mart featuring their beautiful baby on it reminded me of my one encounter with the child and how I further compared favorably with her.- I can hold my own head up, by using my NECK.* Maybe you need to hit the gym, baby? Or just get one of these!- I can eat solid foods. Cause I got TEETH! OHHHHHHH!!!- I've outgrown pooing in a diaper. However, I'm going to give you this point, baby, because you can do the worst things, like POOING WHILE SITTING ON SOMEONE'S LAP, and they think it's cute. They don't just forgive your faux pas, they embrace them! Not me though. I can see through the goo goo ga ga and the crying. I know you're taking advantage of the situation, and you need to stop, baby!**So, once again, I'm better than you, tiny baby. I'll give you this, it's getting closer. Of course, you're going to grow up bilingual, loved by two amazing parents, and if your current cuteness is any predictor, very cute. For now, however, I'm going to relish being better than you.*This is one of the reasons holding a baby freaked me out
**This is the other. Spitting up and taking craps? Pass.
In keeping with the theme of why I'm so fantastically great, I add to the list that I'm the greatest wildlife photographer in the tri-state area. To back me up on that, here are some shots of animals I recently caught wandering around wildly in the vicinity of 81st street and Central Park West. You may think it's odd that I found some of these creatures, such as a badger, over there, but I think it has to do with global warming. Or possibly fall migration routes.
Even though this badger looks like I had just admonished it for not trimming it's claws, in general they can be very ferocious. Not realizing how small they are, they'll stand up to even bears to protect their giant heaps of dirt.
While he looks just like Benedict, the cardinal who hangs out in my backyard, this is actually probably his cousin or something
Ring tailed cats are quite friendly and approached me when they saw I had Butterfingers
My zoom lens allowed me to be safely far enough away from this drinking tiger
This young baboon was startled by some sort of large viper, which unfortunately moved too quickly for me to capture it
Even though this badger looks like I had just admonished it for not trimming it's claws, in general they can be very ferocious. Not realizing how small they are, they'll stand up to even bears to protect their giant heaps of dirt.
While he looks just like Benedict, the cardinal who hangs out in my backyard, this is actually probably his cousin or something
Ring tailed cats are quite friendly and approached me when they saw I had Butterfingers
My zoom lens allowed me to be safely far enough away from this drinking tiger
This young baboon was startled by some sort of large viper, which unfortunately moved too quickly for me to capture it
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