This Dating Life: Tortoises Are NOT Turtles

Sometimes I wonder if I'm too picky when it comes to dating. Perhaps I'm a snob, or I let stupid little things get to me. I screen my dates pretty well, ensuring they can spell, they're over 21, they don't have an Adam's Apple (funny story about that...one of my friends, when much younger, believed it was an item unique to him, in name. His name is Adam, and so he by this logic, I'd have an L Bo's Apple) and they're not interested in my millions. Of imaginary money. Still, sometimes in the middle of a first or second date, they will say something I find difficult to believe, as I considered them intelligent enough to go out with. For example, this woman told me, after my semi-long exaltation of the benefits of heritage animals and heirloom fruit that she didn't know what heirloom meant. I know it was wrong, but it made me think less of her. In the end, it didn't matter anyway.

After much debate back in December, I decided to give another online lady the benefit of the doubt and meet her for a first date. Somehow (as always), animals had come up in our correspondence, and she had this to say about tortoises and turtles: "I confess I don't totally understand what a tortoise is. I imagine them as being slightly less cute [than turtles], but I think that has more to do with children's stories than reality." This might seem insipid, even harmless, but then I got to thinking; what other species of animal would she be unable to identify or would she confuse? What if we were out for a night stroll and she remarked there was a really cute dog following us, and it was in fact a rabid wolf? Or we could be visiting friends who she said have a pet iguana, and in reality it was a tyrannosaurus rex? Thank you for saving my life, paranoia, instincts, and snobbery!

This Dating Life: Animal Totem Pole

On a recent date, conversation turned to animals (probably when I mentioned the inherent evil in cats) and what our favorite animals were. I said bears, because I hate to lie. The lady, we'll call her Fizz, said she didn't really have a favorite. I was outraged, bewildered and hurt, all at the same time. I told her she had to have a favorite, or at least a couple favorites, like a Pantheon of animals. To have order, there needs to be a totem pole. For example, bears, dogs and tree kangaroos are all at the top, with owls and frogs below them. This organization is for me as much as for them. Bears know exactly where they rank. It alleviates concern, confusion and anxiety. They know when I show up at the zoo, I'm spending most of my time with them. How anyone could operate otherwise confuses and mortifies me!

This Dating Life: A Difference of Opinions

This pancakes-loving girl is great, and I'm really digging her, but there's one possibly irreconcilable issue that might come between us in the near future: animals! Sure, she thinks dogs are great, is in love with monkeys (and, like all women and dragons, shiny objects as well) and thinks cats are evil and stupid and poo-poo heads. However, she finds horses creepy (find me ONE OTHER WOMAN who doesn't love ponies!) and hippos terrifying, which is weird because I think she really means to say awesome. She also thinks tarantulas are cute and enjoys when they curl up in a ball on her arm and I'm worried she'll surprise me one day by throwing one at me. She also has no problem with octopi and squid, though she also has no problem eating them either. As long as her and HD continue, there will be less super-intelligent, dangerous and malevolent cephalapods to terrorize me. What's truly ludicrous is she thinks it's ridiculous to lock my door at night because squid and octopi may come visit, in camouflage or disguised as a boot or one of those creepy Chinese good fortune cats. GLOBAL WARMING, I protested. Sea levels are rising and shit, and I want to be prepared!

Baby Wins in Me Vs. Baby; Nation Shocked

Since I last saw baby Maren, she's grown exponentially cuter. Also exponentially wilier and manipulative. Thankfully she still doesn't know what exponents are, otherwise this round of Me vs. Baby would have been a blowout.

Maren's parents have given her a toy to play in for her high grades in imaginary school. It's called safari-bounce-a-lot or something like that, and teaches her many important things. Music will occur whenever you move in it, just like in real life. Polar bears and penguins get along famously and both LOVE being spun around. Most importantly, it teaches her that every animal in the world, from sea lion to toucan and back, is there to be grabbed and put in her mouth.

When not destroying the world's ecosystems to aid in her toothing, baby Maren also loves playing a game called Zebra Floor. It's very complex, but to simplify the rules, she has a zebra with multi-colored legs. She throws it on the floor. You hand it back to her in a nice gesture, and she throws it on the floor again. Giggle and repeat. Since she's still quite young, she's still able to manipulate her parents into cleaning up her poop. And believe me, she's VERY happy about that. The lesson here is that babies have it good. I wish I was excited by anything as much as Maren when her mom tells her she can play on the floor for a little. Not quite able to crawl yet, she'll spin around and around until after a good 20 minutes, she makes it 3 inches away, just to touch something shiny. No locomotion skills to speak of, but always happy.

My Worst Fears Confirmed

Anyone who knows me well knows I'm completely freaked out by squid, octopi, and kraken. In order to hopefully reduce their numbers, I constantly encourage others to eat these foods/marine terrors, just not around me, because they're yuck. Also, I'm a little worried cephalopods have conquered death and calamari can jump up and attack you while you're eating them. Though you've all laughed at me over the years, hopefully now you'll hear and heed the alarm. There's definite proof in the scientific community that I may be right to be scared of these cunning, conniving, possible-aliens-from-another-planet beasts.

As if their weird eyes, sharpened parrot-like beaks, dangerously suckered arms, and camouflage ability wasn't scary enough, it seems octopi have also mastered the use of tools. And they're more intelligent than you rubes ever gave them credit for. So, beware unsuspecting divers. That harmless looking octopus using a cordless drill to put up shelves in it's lair will take a hammer to your knees without a second thought.

Other Awards

In keeping with the theme of why I'm so fantastically great, I add to the list that I'm the greatest wildlife photographer in the tri-state area. To back me up on that, here are some shots of animals I recently caught wandering around wildly in the vicinity of 81st street and Central Park West. You may think it's odd that I found some of these creatures, such as a badger, over there, but I think it has to do with global warming. Or possibly fall migration routes.

Even though this badger looks like I had just admonished it for not trimming it's claws, in general they can be very ferocious. Not realizing how small they are, they'll stand up to even bears to protect their giant heaps of dirt.

While he looks just like Benedict, the cardinal who hangs out in my backyard, this is actually probably his cousin or something

Ring tailed cats are quite friendly and approached me when they saw I had Butterfingers

My zoom lens allowed me to be safely far enough away from this drinking tiger

This young baboon was startled by some sort of large viper, which unfortunately moved too quickly for me to capture it