Knicks Punk'd You!

In what could only be an early April Fool's joke or a possible prank from Punk'd, the New York Knicks traded Quentin "Roundface" Richardson to the Grizzlies for Darko Milicic. Despite being a non-playing member of the under-20 Championships team, Darko's stock rose when, at age 16, he joined Yugoslavia's top club team and proceeded to put up quite earthly numbers against middle-aged men and 7 year old boys. His competition most likely resembled the crowd at my local Turkish family-style restaurant. Drafted as the number 2 pick in the 2003 NBA ahead of Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh, Dwayne Wade, Shaq, Michael Jordan, the 1st round pick in the 2004 thru 2009 drafts and you, he has so far not lived up to expectations. All that is reckoned to change under Mike D'Antoni's "pretend you're European" offense, which either makes this a shrewd move by Donnie Walsh, or he really is a mole man like I suspected and living underground since 2002, when Milicic was an intriguing prospect. Oh Knicks, you got me again!

Strawberry Hunter Prime

Last Saturday, despite the overcast conditions, my family and I decided to trek out to the barren wastelands of Long Island to an organic strawberry farm. Yea, I'm calling you out, LI. You used to be a farming community, full of fresh produce and vineyards. Now all you produce is strip malls, pre-fab suburban communities with identical houses and these guys. But I digress.

I have an unusual allergy to strawberries, in that I can't eat them fresh without getting hives. Or I assume I still have it, as I was told about it when I was 4, and decided trying to disprove the theory while not inside a hospital was a bad idea. Towards this end, my mom forced me to wear plastic gloves that were 3 sizes too small to pick the berries. My mom quickly ran through the whole patch, declaring there were no strawberries anywhere except where she stood, and she may have knocked over a tiny child for picking berries in her area. My dad just took photos while my sister picked strawberries with decent acumen. I, never having seen a fresh strawberry before, was a little perplexed, but quickly learned how to hunt these clever creatures. Everyone had their quart buckets overflowing for hours as I quietly and deftly moved among the foliage, stalking only the most prime and delicious specimens for my bucket. I conscripted my sister as my assistant/co-host of my self-produced imaginary tv show, "The Strawberry Hunter." There can only be one.

Larry Larry Quite Contrary

How does my garden grow, you ask?
CHECK IT OUT FOOL!

Raised bed, made out of chopped down Alianthus, or tree of heaven, an invasive species.

Blackberries growing along the wall; being pollinated by a bee

Clematis Etoille Violette; blackberry blossoms

Zucchini blossoms close after the morning; orange day lillies, another invasive

Sugar snap peas growing along a trellis I made; asparagus turns into a tiny tree

Lavender

Me vs. You

I finally found someone I could compare myself against favorably pretty much every time. That's right, baby Maren, I'm calling you out. It's really your mom's fault, as she started bragging about how you were 10 pounds when you were born. Me? I'm 200. Solid muscle. That's 20 times your weight, baby Maren. TWENTY! What else am I better at than you?

1. I'm a better photographer.
2. I speak English more good than you.
3. I can walk. WHAT WHAT!
4. I'm a better basketball player than you.
5. Two words: origami swans.
6. I have a better grasp of technology and the internet than you.
7. I can stay awake more hours a day than you. Barely.
8. Two more words: solid food.
9. Ability to use toilet on own.
10. I cry less.

That's all I'm gonna say for now; I don't want you to get a complex. But that's only because I'm more thoughtful and kinder than you.

Wolverine Oranges

Think about it. They'd have sharp claws, and constantly regenerate. You could make UNLIMITED juice from them, I'd imagine! This is what HD heard when I told him I saw the new X-Men Origins: Wolverine movie...which conveniently leads me into a review of the film. You're welcome.

Marvel hasn't realized yet they need to consult Casey and myself before releasing a movie where they massacre our childhood heroes. What the hell are those exo-suits in GI Joe and why is there no Roadblock? Despite knowing there was a hobbit on the Weapon X team and in all likelihood Marvel messed up parts of the storyline, I was excited for the movie. A lot of whiny fanboys were whining that the interesting part of Wolverine's origins is how mysterious and confusing it is, so showing us the origins would foul all that up. Who cares? GAMBIT, YO! And Lynn Collins. Ain't nothing wrong with that! The movie was good, not X-Men 2 good (Colossus, Rebecca Romijn, daaaaaamn), but that all came crashing down in the last 15-20 minutes. List, please!

1. If you have Gambit in a movie, you best use him. A lot. Make him a good guy, make him bust ass, and throw lots of cards. All-american Friday Nights boy was not mysterious enough to play Remy LeBeau. Also, Cajuns have CAJUN accents, and say "mon ami" a lot. Check your facts, Gavin Hood.

2. Deadpool is the MERC WITH A MOUTH. Sewing his mouth shut defeats all that. Giving him Cyclops' eye lasers was stupid and unneccesary, as was Bradley Bolt's stupid ability so he could be controlled. How are they going to make a Deadpool movie, now that they killed him off? Everyone knows you can never ever ever bring comic book characters back from the dead.

3. There was NO reason for Cyclops to even be in the movie.

4. Patrick Stewart looked to be made of plastic at the end. O yea, spoiler alert. Patrick Stewart is in the end of the movie, and not as Captain Jean-Luc Picard.

5. Emma Frost can turn herself into diamond, NOT sequins. She looked like someone bedazzled her.

6. The whole end of the movie was made to spoon feed the viewer, so that everything nicely leads into X-Men 1. I felt the same way after watching the new Star Wars. It's ok to leave some things hanging. We're not idiots.

Paparazzo of Pretty Predators and Plants

For my birthday, my wonderful sister got me a gift certificate to Garden World, a planet just outside of Pluto and the place I'd choose to live, should I ever have to make an exodus from Earth. A lush and green planet, Garden World is home to a bazillion different plant species, from lowly (yet classy) Vinca Minor to huge maple trees, with all manner of perennials, annuals and fruits and veggies in between. There's gardening equipment to help maintain the local population, and all manner of contraptions to lure local birds to your parties. After hours of losing myself in the splendors, I finally settled on a Clematis Etoile Violette, a Reliance grape vine and a tupperware container of ladybugs.

Upon returning to my own home planet, I released the lady bugs in a massive swarm to help me combat my growing aphid problem. After some initial hesitation to leave my hands and arms, they've spread out and laid eggs, which in turn have become larvae, which, like tiny crocodiles devour the aphids and protect my apricot tree. I tried to take pictures of these alien species, but unfortunately, the ladybugs hate paparazzi.

Movin' On Up

After a year and a couple months, James Cash is abandoning our happy home for the chance to live with his girlfriend. He assures me it's not cause she's prettier than me, but I have my doubts. This means I need a new roommate by the end of the month. I'd prefer one with the initials JC, as I've gotten quite used to running around the house singing "James Cash, James Cash, what ya gonna do, what ya gonna do when...," but this appears to be unlikely. While Pris' offer of exiling her messy brother to Brooklyn and the possibility of crazy folks on Craigslist sounds appealing, I've decided the best course of action was to trick HD into moving back in.* Using my wit and wiles like Mr. E. Coyote, I came up with the following great reasons for the Human Dynamo to move back to Brooklyn:

1. He'll have a 40 inch flat screen TV (that is his and he'll be able to share with me).

2. Driving from Brooklyn to Parsippany, New Jersey everyday at 6 AM is fun. Who doesn't like rush hour traffic or rubbing sleep out of your eyes in time to avoid hitting a Miata?

3. Driving from Brooklyn to Parsippany, NJ (and back again) everyday at 6 AM is much more convenient than having his boss pick him up in Jersey City.

4. We'll have two XBox 360's, which means we can play 8 player Gears of War 2 on our new large TV.

5. Everything's in Russian!

6. We can go on double dates with Hasidic twins!

*Second best course. First best was to turn the downstairs room into a grizzly bear or polar bear hangout spot.

Congratulations to Me!

Dee and Marteeeeen had their baby today and that makes me an uncle! Well, sorta, since I don't have any blood relation to either of them. In college, one of my roommates who was probably more needy than the newborn (and definitely drunker) would refer to me as Mr. The Uncle The Larry, and Marteeeeeen and Dee have picked up the coherent part of that and will tell the baby to call me Uncle Larry. Thankfully, baby Maren wasn't born the same day as me, because I don't like to share. In further good news, the baby is really cute, which almost never happens. Newborns are NOT cute. It's a fact. I'm not saying baby Maren is cuter than a bear cub, but she does elicits "aww"s and "soooo cute!" So, well done to Dee and Martin, and again, congratulations. To me.

An Anniversary!

To paraphrase a friend of mine, Friday, May 15th, was the 3rd Anniversary of my turning a quarter century old. Sure, it's a bit wordy, but the math is easier to follow than Foxy Brown's.

This won't be as heartfelt, moving or flattering as HD's birthday thanks, but I just wanted to thank everyone who came out to celebrate my birthday. Thanks to my family for taking me to Otto for deliciousness, and thanks to my friends who came out to Barcade, didn't panic when one restaurant was closed and Havana Outpost was so packed even Marlo Stanfield couldn't get in*, got me multiple cakes, traveled back into the city with me, played cards at a random bar since ACE was too packed, and then, when I was all ready to be an old man and pack it in at 1 AM, ragged on me till we got into ACE and then walked up to Crocodile Lounge for some better times. Three perfect sites in a row on Big Buck Hunter Safari, WHAT!!!

To everyone who feels awful because they weren't able to make it: don't worry, I still love you. And there's always time to buy me a really expensive gift.

*We were lucky not to get shot, since technically we were standing on his corner

Twitterdee and Twitterdum

Maybe I'm a little late to the Twitter-bashing bandwagon, if there is even one. That's because none of my friends do it, unless it's a secret little hobby of theirs, hidden from those who will certainly mock them incessantly. That all changed when someone who I had much respect for (I still have some respect man, come fix my lights!), HD's brother, told HD to check him out on Twitter. On it, he gave up to the minute details of his bathroom habits.

Sure, I have a blog, which means I think I have something important or funny to say, and am vain enough to hope people read it, yet practical enough to know that I can count my followers on two hands. However, I would never be arrogant enough to expect people to care about constant status updates. On the flip side, I don't care about my friends' minutiae, and if I did, we'd talk about it in person or on the phone. Now, celebrities Twitter and get a loyal following. There was a big story about how Ashton Kutcher had more followers than CNN. Who cares? Celebrity or not, there's not a single person on Earth I think is interesting enough to care about following their day-to-day exploits in 140 character-or-less posts, except maybe Jessica Biel in the hopes she'd announce her love of me.

Lastly, do you really have anything important to say if you're doing it in less than 140 characters? Nowadays we need our information bitesize and instantaneous, leading to more stupid stories spreading farther and faster and helping to further moronize America. I had hoped Twitter would be an annoying fad, but unfortunately, like capri pants on guys and Dane Cook, it seems here to stay. Go read a book, learn how to spell, and come up with something of substance

Kooza

While a recent trip to the Ringling Brothers circus at MSG left me slightly underwhelmed and missing Gunther Gebel-Williams, seeing Cirque du Soleil at Randall's Island had me dumbfounded and starstruck. This ain't your parents circus. Well, maybe it is, because my parents took me, so it's not unreasonable to assume your parents might take you. The performers did everything effortlessly, the clowns, with their R-Rated material, were hysterical, and the music and story left the audience with a sense of wonder. There was a guy who rode around on a unicycle while flipping and holding a very bendable woman on his arm, a gymnast who stacked 10 chairs on top of a high chair and held one-armed-stands at each one without clipping a safety wire until the top (because 30 feet up is dangerous, but not 28), and a juggler who's hands were quick like the Flash and would bounce a ball on his head while juggling 7 hoops, just cause he could. He never messed up, which was the most incredible part about it. All the acts were poised, focused and incredibly athletic.

I left the tent with two revelations: I need to date a contortionist (they have NO bones in their body and may be of alien descent, but good god, that flexibility!) and I need to set up my apartment like a circus tent, so that when I raise my arm up, a unicycle, or trapeze set, or blender, or anything I desire will drop down to me.

Pretty Pictures Abound

Sure, American Pie DVD is a little embarrassing, but Belly more than makes up for it

Wisteria, flowers open, colors manipulated. Dance for my, pigments! Dance for your master!

One of the first apricots appears and will be edible in July or August

Tiny red lettuce plants

Wacky World of Wisteria

Wisteria can't actually be photographed in focus

Oh wait, that's gotta be wrong. Wisteria, the invasive kind, before the flowers open.

Strangely octopus looking, asparagus crown and roots sits perched on raised bed, jr., ready to pounce on unsuspecting sparrows and children.

Overview of the West Wing of the garden, including my new Stonehenge protection circle for squash

Cherry tree in bloom and towels that should be thrown out, most likely.

The Cat, The Sunburn and the BBQ

How we roll on nice days

I thought I could only get sunburned if I was at the beach. Three hours in the garden proved me wrong.

Ok, so there's no lion, witch or wardrobe, but it felt like we were in a magical land when it started snowing cherry blossom petals on us.

Jenny fears for her life after Jamie dumped gallons of gasoline on the charcoal.

Kitty wants to play with a stick, or at least let me poke you with it?

Awww. So much more adorable than the feral kind.

Toys. Again.

Insurgent Wilderness Gruppo's (I.W.G.) Burnum the platypus is deadly with his boomerang against bad humans; N8 Van Dyke's Payday just wanted to deposit a check and ended up foiling a bank robbery, stealing one of the gunman's walrus mask, gun and money sack.

Adult Swim x Kid Robot's blind box Series 1 aren't all great. Looking at you, Squidbillies.

Buckeye Rot just don't give a what.

More of Kozik's Chumps

IWG's mini flocked Titus the grizzly bear (with sniper rifle), Affonso the rhino (with automatic) and Hannibal the gorilla (with grenade and bandolier but no way to deliver bullets to target) guard my pumpkin.

Nahual's Jaguar Dunny from the Azteca series; Reach, Series 5; Devilrobots, Series 5; Mad, Series 5. I love a detecting Dunny.

Mr. Jago's Teddy Troops Series 3.

For The Ci-tay

Spring in Brooklyn and Manhattan