Thoughts That Are Merry At Christmas Time

Christmas this year hasn't meant as much as in past years. In fact, was it not for dinner at my favorite Sicilian almost-parents' house, I'd have completely forgotten about it. There's no holiday lights or special holiday decorations, and the only ones in the neighborhood are a baby Jesus in the manger at a Church (Baby Jesus was stolen last year) and the half deflated Jesus/manger blow up scene my neighbor activates at night. I'm pretty sure it has Eeyore in it as well. My moosey moose stocking has been up all year, so this day seems like no different than any other. I've had to though, because Santa has trouble finding my house on account of me being of Jewish persuasion and all.

*******

I can't believe there's a 4 hour show on television about the Yule log. What are the rules? Are there back-up Yule logs in case the original one loses it's nerve and doesn't burn all proper? How come there isn't any commentary during this wondrous sporting event? Do they use archival footage or is it shot new every year? If so, will they soon get HD so I can see every bit of bark with stunning 1080 p clarity?*

*Thanks for this one, Human Dynamo

Farmville: Farming For Dummies

Fuck Farmville! This facebook application, which constantly pervades the walls and news feeds of everyone's page, has gotten me addicted. At first, it was a passing interest, due to seeing my sister have ducks and reindeer on her farm.* I've since quickly mastered the game, and am level 23. It's my way to keep my farming ability at peak condition during these cold, snowy, wintry months, when us REAL FARMERS (and backyard gardeners) are forced to live vicariously through a video game. And an unrealistic one at that.

Sure, Farmville teaches kids about the joy of farming, but it leads them to an unrealistic view. Where's the 5 AM cock crowing wake up call? The shoveling slop for the animals? Live animal births? You don't even get to fatten up your pigs for delicious bacon, instead getting them to find truffles for you. Even though I wish it were true Elephants and penguins can't coexist. On a farm. In a temperate zone. GOSH! Plum trees aren't purple, kids. And don't get me started on the lack of crop rotation! Sure, it's a start, but I won't rest until they make a Farmville as realistic as the Sims, where the reindeer actually pull their own weight and squash takes the normal 60 - 75 days to maturity.

*Yes, that's all it takes. I'm a sucker for reindeer and things that say "Quack."

Me Vs. Baby Again

A recent holiday card from Dee and Marty Mart featuring their beautiful baby on it reminded me of my one encounter with the child and how I further compared favorably with her.

- I can hold my own head up, by using my NECK.* Maybe you need to hit the gym, baby? Or just get one of these!

- I can eat solid foods. Cause I got TEETH! OHHHHHHH!!!

- I've outgrown pooing in a diaper. However, I'm going to give you this point, baby, because you can do the worst things, like POOING WHILE SITTING ON SOMEONE'S LAP, and they think it's cute. They don't just forgive your faux pas, they embrace them! Not me though. I can see through the goo goo ga ga and the crying. I know you're taking advantage of the situation, and you need to stop, baby!**

So, once again, I'm better than you, tiny baby. I'll give you this, it's getting closer. Of course, you're going to grow up bilingual, loved by two amazing parents, and if your current cuteness is any predictor, very cute. For now, however, I'm going to relish being better than you.

*This is one of the reasons holding a baby freaked me out

**This is the other. Spitting up and taking craps? Pass.

My Worst Fears Confirmed

Anyone who knows me well knows I'm completely freaked out by squid, octopi, and kraken. In order to hopefully reduce their numbers, I constantly encourage others to eat these foods/marine terrors, just not around me, because they're yuck. Also, I'm a little worried cephalopods have conquered death and calamari can jump up and attack you while you're eating them. Though you've all laughed at me over the years, hopefully now you'll hear and heed the alarm. There's definite proof in the scientific community that I may be right to be scared of these cunning, conniving, possible-aliens-from-another-planet beasts.

As if their weird eyes, sharpened parrot-like beaks, dangerously suckered arms, and camouflage ability wasn't scary enough, it seems octopi have also mastered the use of tools. And they're more intelligent than you rubes ever gave them credit for. So, beware unsuspecting divers. That harmless looking octopus using a cordless drill to put up shelves in it's lair will take a hammer to your knees without a second thought.

Thanksgiving Tales

For the second year in a row, due to bad timing, my family and I couldn't continue our old tradition of traveling to Medford, Massachusetts for Thanksgiving with my mom's entire family. Instead, we've begun a new tradition, eating turkey and traditional foods (screw marshmallow yams or whatever) at my parent's house with a guest or two. This year was Janet's turn, but I think she believed we were actually having a rodeo at the house instead. I made stuffed sweet dumpling squash, roast vegetables, stuffing and pumpkin pie. The stuffing was my crowning achievement, filled with all the normal deliciousness, made from scratch with sourdough bread, and included dried apricots, chestnuts and pine nuts. Start salivating!

My mom is all camera shy

My dad, on the other hand, is all about a camera

Fork and Knife

Recently, HD and I "hosted" an impromptu dinner party (note: impromptu "hosting" cause I sat around the apartment waiting for Shiva and Sharmilee and HD to show up with food and cook it for me). The food was excellent, and the best part was there was no pressure on me to use a fork and knife correctly. Which I can't. At all.

There, it's out in the open. Happy? I'm not at all good at eating with a fork and a knife. When I visit my parents, my sister, my whole family really, makes fun of and chastises me for picking up my food with my hands, kindly refreshing my memory that I DO have a fork and knife I can use. The truth is, I'd rather be thought of as rude or crude than incompetent.

For many years, I hadn't mastered the use of a spoon either. Having large hands, I'd hold it delicately, like an ogre would, shoveling everything into my craw. I was able to vote before I was able to properly eat soup, cereal or pudding.

I get technique envy whenever I go to a restaurant with classier people or an event, like a wedding. Watching HD and Sharmilee neatly cut their lamb shoulders, gracefully using the fork in their off hand and then deftly transferring the meat to their mouth made my own technique seem even poorer. I need to switch the fork from my left to my right hand before I can even attempt to shove the giant size bite into my mouth.

Whenever I go on dates, I stay away from any non-sandwiches or non-finger foods. It can be really tough to fight off temptation when I see a delicious looking half-chicken dish on the menu, or steak with really long noodles that need to be cut so they don't stick out of my mouth like a brontosaurus*. However, to keep my secret shortcomings (according to society, at least) a secret, I have to stick to a hamburger with extra onions, mushrooms, bacon, cheddar cheese and a liter of barbecue sauce. And make sure none of it drips down my face.


*which is what Pacey wanted to be when he was 8.

This Dating Life 4

The world of online dating is rife with women my age who can't spell without adding "z"s to the end of words or think it's acceptable to both start and end a sentence with "lol." Recently I was contacted by a lady who opened an email exchange with "hey you seem cool." And that was it. I understand it's hard to make first contact and maybe even harder for the female persuasion as it's not something many are used to, but come a little stronger than that. Her reply to my reply was this:

hahaha, nice! so whats up, hows ur week been?

That was the last round of communication. Someone who doesn't have enough to say to even fill up a Twitterdum post can't even be bothered to spell it YOUR? I'm sorry, were you being charged per letter? Are my standards too high because I think it'd be nice if the other person in my conversation could talk as well?

Ultimate Whiners: Heavyweights

After last week's Ultimate Fighter episode, they showed a teaser for last night's episode, with Rampage going nuts and ripping apart what looked like a prop door made out of cardboard, Matt Mitrione going nuts and yelling a lot, and Dana White going nuts and cursing about how good the fight was. I was excited, as the last few fights, while they were pretty good, barely lasted longer than my attention span when there's bears around (about 2 minutes). My excitement was confirmed when the actual fight started around 10:40, giving time for more than 1 round. My heart soon sank however, when I realized Scott Junk's tiny T-Rex arms couldn't punish Mitrione's face like I had hoped. Mitrione soon got gassed and started slapping at Scott, who for his part, couldn't do much either. Supposedly the best all around fighter on Rampage's team, Junk repeatedly failed at getting a take-down, often looking like a drunk 4 year old trying to fight Godzilla (or at least what I imagine that would look like). At some point, Junk had hold of Mitrione's foot, like a child throwing a tantrum. It was an awful, boring fight, and while both fighters connected on 95% of punches that weren't wild swings, 99% of those punches did no damage. If Kimbo had been in the fight, both Junk and Mitrione would be done dada.

Persnickitily Picking Pumpkins with my Phamily

Every year, towards the end of September or beginning of October, my sister and I face the biggest and most important decision for that year: which pumpkin are we going to take home. It's an agonizing and slow process, involving weeding out lots of weaker offerings and plenty of advice asking. Really, it's a collaborative process. And that's why I'm glad the last couple years I've gone with my entire family, since my sister shares the same pumpkin picking philosophy as me. Furthermore, there's no competition, since she prefers a yellow-orange and tall shape while I go for rounder, slightly larger, deep orange-red with deep ribbing. Adds more character.

We go all out too. We're serious about our pumpkins. There are still some fields out on Long Island that haven't been turned into every-single-house-is-identical "communities" our strip malls. We go for that real shit too, where you can cut the pumpkins off their vines. This is pumpkin picking like it was meant to be, not some silly city pumpkins sitting in a box in a corner grocery. My only rule is that neither my sister or I can cut any pumpkins off the vine until we're certain they're a contender. Top 1 or 2 pumpkins we've seen so far.

Elimination can take some time, as all aspects of the individual pumpkin are studied, the specimen must have lasting power to stay in the apartment for months on end, and it must speak to you, call to you in some primal way. If man's best friend is a dog, then man's second best friend is a pumpkin. Damn, they're beautiful. Every fall, I wish I could just be surrounded by different, beautifully colored winter squashes all year long. Pumpkins and hubbards and potimarrons and buttercups and kobuchas and red kuris. Sigh.

This brilliant piece of writing sums up my feelings for Cucurbita pepo, maxima, mixta and moschata. However, if I had written it, there'd be no traces of irony present. That's how close to my heart these wonderful fall wonders are.

NY State apples. Represent, yo!

The Mr. Peanut pumpkin almost came home with me. Almost.

Selflessly guarding our pumpkin choices with his life

Pumpkin quorum. That's mine, front left, huge stem. WOW.

My sister, smiling due to pumpkin presence

I'm BOUT Them Potatoes

My life was so bland until my friend Wiz got me a brand new potato peeler, which makes peeling potatoes joyful. I see a Yukon Gold, and I'm like BOOYA I wanna peel that sucker!

Other Awards

In keeping with the theme of why I'm so fantastically great, I add to the list that I'm the greatest wildlife photographer in the tri-state area. To back me up on that, here are some shots of animals I recently caught wandering around wildly in the vicinity of 81st street and Central Park West. You may think it's odd that I found some of these creatures, such as a badger, over there, but I think it has to do with global warming. Or possibly fall migration routes.

Even though this badger looks like I had just admonished it for not trimming it's claws, in general they can be very ferocious. Not realizing how small they are, they'll stand up to even bears to protect their giant heaps of dirt.

While he looks just like Benedict, the cardinal who hangs out in my backyard, this is actually probably his cousin or something

Ring tailed cats are quite friendly and approached me when they saw I had Butterfingers

My zoom lens allowed me to be safely far enough away from this drinking tiger

This young baboon was startled by some sort of large viper, which unfortunately moved too quickly for me to capture it

Kraven the Hunter Would be Proud!

As previously noted, I'm currently the 2nd best farmer in Brooklyn. I am, however, the number one greatest cat catcher in all the 5 boroughs and the realms and even any dimensions too. My method is real simple:

1. Put food in trap
2. Cat goes in trap and gets trapped
3. Flex on trapped cat
4. Bring cat to shelter so it can recover from trauma and awe brought on by my gun show
   

Kitty is NOT enjoying being trapped by L Bo the Hunter

Gardening Awards

I'm officially the 2nd best gardener/farmer in the entire borough of Brooklyn that I've seen. I wish I could claim to be the best, but that goes to the old Asian guy who lives a couple blocks away and produces a mind boggling amount of string beans, cauliflower and melons. Also, he's like 300 years old, which it makes it even more impressive.

Turkish eggplant, growing 1 per plant. Excellent. And useful.

Peppers of some sort that will never ripen, most likely.

Blueberry bushes turn red in the fall. Perdy!!

Finally got white sweet allysum, which my uncle assures me is the easiest thing ever to grow, to bloom.

Alana de la Garza, I love you!

That is all.

Greatest Product Since (Ever)

Recently, HD let me borrow his Manlac...I mean "Blue Lightning"... to drive Janet out to New Jersey to win a free cruise and buy me pizza, because it gets better gas mileage than the Pimp Van. His Prius, not the pizza. His GPS, which stands for Gladly Puts you there System, is voiced by a very nice lady who sounds like she wishes people would take her more seriously and not decide to mess up her carefully designed routes by making wrong turns, thus forcing her to reroute our trip. C'est la vie, as I always say.

The Greatest Product Since ever is amazing in that it allows me to do two things. The first is hide my horrible sense of direction. Now I no longer need to phone HD for directions when I get lost driving around my own block. The second is I really no longer need to read street signs. About two years ago, I decided to give up on reading street signs, road signs or any other literature The Man decided to post in my field of vision while driving. Instead, I force my navigator to read for me. Now, with the help of the GPS lady, I no longer have to submit myself to the more unsavory aspects of driving and am free to weave in and out of traffic.

No, YOU'RE in Contempt!

A loooong time ago I received a juror's summons for James Cash, but keep forgetting to tell him about it. It might be important, cause I'd really hate for JC to have an arrest warrant on his head the next time he decides to rob a bank or punch someone in the face. Could be bad for him.

Best Joke Ever

There's no way Dutch wasn't written as a joke by two college pranksters in Belgium. "Hey, know what would be funny, now that we invented Welsh? Let's make a language with as many 'A's, 'J's and 'K's next to each other as possible." Example A: a pepper is "shoeppaprikaatjes." I don't think I need an example B to prove my point.

However, being a generous and benevolent person, here is a photo of the wrapping, which clearly shows that most, if not all, farmers in Holland have clown noses and answer to a bumblebee. While this isn't a reflection of the Dutch language, it does clearly define and comprehensively sum up Dutch culture, and gives a great insight into both the people and their agriculture.

Cylons

HD and I started watching Battlestar Galactica because John Hodgman likes it and eventually appears in it, plus I like the idea of sexy female robotos. Oh, and HD is a bit of a dork. Not me though. About halfway through the first season, I realized something. The Cylons seem to not have a plan beyond "have sex with as many men as possible." Sluttery will get you everywhere, apparently.

YOOO JOE

Despite everything I thought and assumed from the trailers, GI Joe was not a horrible movie. Don't get me wrong. It wasn't good. However, it's worth a watch, as much as if not more so than Wolverine Origins, especially if you're willing to close your eyes and ears at the end and not see or hear the whiny kid from 3rd Rock from the Sun become Cobra Commander. It's like he was suffering from the same throat soreness that afflicted Christian Bale throughout Dark Knight so he couldn't talk in his normal voice.

What made this movie ok was no over-reliance on the bullshit accelerator suits, unlike how the trailers portrayed it. I thoroughly enjoyed the 9th Doctor (Dr. Who, yo!) as Destro, and what's his name was good as Hawk. Also, Marlon Wayans is surprisingly good as Ripcord. Not because he reminds me of the Ripcord of my youth, but because he added some nice humor to the mix. Lastly, Sienna Miller. Damn. Sienna Miller. She was a FANTASTIC Baroness von Slut. Good god.

On to the bad. There's no Roadblock. How are you going to make a GI Joe without Roadblock, who's honestly in the top 3 Joes of all time (Snakeyes and Shipwreck are the other two, ps)? Heavy Duty is a poor substitute for his rhyme-talking, ridiculous machine gun holding, chef of a cousin. There weren't enough Joes or vehicles, ditto for Cobra's side. While adding Brendan Fraser as a fake-ass Gung-ho was a nice cameo touch, why didn't Sgt Slaughter make it into this? I know I would have enjoyed seeing him put Joseph Gordon Levitt in the Camel Clutch.

Never-before-heard-of Netflix

Like a modern day Ferdinand Magellan, I recently discovered a brand new, never before heard of service on the internet, called Netflix by it's employees, which sends movies to your house when you click on a link that says "send this movie to my house." You don't even have to say please. It's not just movies, either. They have TONS of TV shows too! I can get all the episodes I want of GI Joe or He-Man. Or ALF. Or the A-Team. I think. I haven't checked yet, because I can't stop jumping up and down. I can even get 3 at a time. It's a modern day miracle! Internet readers, you should really check this out. Netflix will become big in the future, you'll see. They just need to advertise to get the word out.