Rihanna, Pt. 3

Dear Rihanna,

Thank you for the Te Amo video. This is one of the greatest things that's ever graced my computer screen. Over and over and over. And over, again.

Sincerely,
L Bo

It's Swedish to Me

From time to time, I like to exercise my reading muscles. This way, I never find myself walking up the down escalator at a department store, because even though it was broken and so it can be used as stairs in either direction, I would have read the "DOWN" and went to the other side, since I wanted to go "UP." Quite helpful.

Recently, and quite accidentally, I've found myself with novels from foreign authors taking place in foreign countries but thankfully written entirely in English. I was able to really get into the Kite Runner, despite many unfamiliar words, places and references to historical events. The story was beautiful and moving, though I think I'd have a hard time watching the movie if some of the more heartbreaking scenes are graphically portrayed. Even though many of the words and ideas were foreign to me, the author did a great job of explaining them, and sprinkled them throughout, giving the book that authentic cultural experience feel.

Before this enlightening read, however, I had tried reading Stiig Laarson's novel "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo," but found it really difficult to get into. Everything takes place in Sweden and has a weird name. It's like the Swedish Chef teamed up with IKEA to take me on a verbal tour of Nonsense-Land. I made it 2 pages in and was overwhelmed by the amount of quadruple vowels and letters that have no business being adjacent to each other. It did leave me with a hankering for swedish meatballs and lingonberry jam. Or, just kotbuller and tyttebærsyltetøy* as they'd say in Sweden.

*technically, this is Norwegian, but there's NO way you would have known that without me telling you.

This Dating Life: Tortoises Are NOT Turtles

Sometimes I wonder if I'm too picky when it comes to dating. Perhaps I'm a snob, or I let stupid little things get to me. I screen my dates pretty well, ensuring they can spell, they're over 21, they don't have an Adam's Apple (funny story about that...one of my friends, when much younger, believed it was an item unique to him, in name. His name is Adam, and so he by this logic, I'd have an L Bo's Apple) and they're not interested in my millions. Of imaginary money. Still, sometimes in the middle of a first or second date, they will say something I find difficult to believe, as I considered them intelligent enough to go out with. For example, this woman told me, after my semi-long exaltation of the benefits of heritage animals and heirloom fruit that she didn't know what heirloom meant. I know it was wrong, but it made me think less of her. In the end, it didn't matter anyway.

After much debate back in December, I decided to give another online lady the benefit of the doubt and meet her for a first date. Somehow (as always), animals had come up in our correspondence, and she had this to say about tortoises and turtles: "I confess I don't totally understand what a tortoise is. I imagine them as being slightly less cute [than turtles], but I think that has more to do with children's stories than reality." This might seem insipid, even harmless, but then I got to thinking; what other species of animal would she be unable to identify or would she confuse? What if we were out for a night stroll and she remarked there was a really cute dog following us, and it was in fact a rabid wolf? Or we could be visiting friends who she said have a pet iguana, and in reality it was a tyrannosaurus rex? Thank you for saving my life, paranoia, instincts, and snobbery!

2011

Welcome, 2011! I'm so very glad you could join us, and I'm highly excited for your arrival. There's a great chance you'll be an amazing year!

The Green Lantern movie, which I've been waiting for for 15 years, is finally being made. And though I have questions about it, it's still Green Lantern. Even if the movie sucks, I'll still have a GL movie to watch and complain about. It's like they say, the worst sex is better than no sex. And if it's really that bad, there's still the Thor movie to look forward to. I'm not the biggest fan of 3D, but I pee my pants a little* every time I think about Mjolnir hurtling towards me.

*Not actually what I do, but my mom reads this.

Acronyms Are Fun

Recently I found out Drake, the Degrassi alum, crappy rapper and Lil' Wayne-jock-rider, is actually an acronym. I carefully studied his flow and lyrics, which prove it's possible to be asleep while rapping, in order to decipher his code. It also turns out his slow flow and need to hammer home all metaphors might not be his fault, actually. He's Canadian, and they're about to celebrate a new millennium, though they're quite worried about the Y2k bug. In the end, I realized the secret message buried in the letters was: Dumb Retarded Asshole Killing English.

Half Cocked at the Bar

Congratulations, Arizona, Georgia, Virginia and Tennessee! You all voted to make it legal to carry a gun in a bar or restaurant that serves alcohol, and gave me one more reason to never visit.

Some people don't feel comfortable working in such an environment, but that's probably just because they haven't heard all the completely rational arguments:

• The best way to prevent getting shot is to arm everyone (historical fact: the Cold War was awesome, and well thought out. All arms races/weapon stockpiling for deterrence are.)
• “If someone’s sticking a gun in my face, I’m not relying on their charity to keep me alive,” so he should have a gun to protect himself (which came first, the gun in the face or the gun to protect?)
• Gov. Perry of Texas argues that guns should be legal in colleges after a shooting at U. Texas, stating that armed bystanders might have stopped the gunman (or perhaps one of them might have been in the shooter)

Sure, I know you're not supposed to be drinking alcohol while carrying a completely legal gun you have a permit for, but I just don't see that stopping everyone. Guns and alcohol are manly, and why shouldn't they mix? It's obviously safer than drinking and driving, otherwise that'd be legal too. People never go to bars to blow off steam. Historically, bars have allowed patrons to carry guns on them. And it's always worked out. Just ask any Wild West movie.

Guns don't kill people. Drunk people in bars in Arizona, Georgia, Virginia and Tennessee who carried their gun in kill people.

Rihanna, Pt. 2

Dear Rihanna (again),

I noticed you haven't agreed to date me. Yet. That might be my fault. I didn't really give a time or place. Or tell you how to reach me. Also, the new wardrobe might have been an excessive request, especially before our first date. Which will be next Saturday. At your house. See you then!

Sincerely,
L Bo

Expendable Plot

I like action movies. It's hard no to. I'm pretty sure it was an evolutionary necessity. Previous to action movies, men were all just a bunch of wusses. Then John Woo started making movies. Men all over the world got excited and machismo flowed through their veins like blood of henchmen in Kill Bill. We were finally able to build up the courage, muscles, fighting skills, absurd weaponry, agility for outrageous stunts and logic that doesn't always make sense. And this was how humankind eventually destroyed the evil dinosaurs.

So it made perfect sense for me to see Expendables, which is possibly the ultimate guy movie. It stars Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, the honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dolph Lundgren, Jet Li, Terry Crews (the Old Spice "Building Kick" guy), Randy Couture, Mickey Rourke, Bruce Willis, and maybe other people. Statham is amazing in almost everything, but that's not a good reason to make Crank 2 or Death Race.* Just keep making movies with the exact same plot and action scenes as Transporter 1 and 2. The action movie fan sub species seemed fairly hyped for the first ever time Sly, Bruce and Ah-nald shared the screen, but it was over in 2 minutes and boring.

Strangely enough, that's not my only criticism of this movie. It seemed that rather than hire writers, or even a single writer, to make a script that made sense and had a plot, Stallone decided to let all the "actors" make their own "plots." This must've made sense at the time for two reasons. First off, after hiring all of these action stars and treating his face like Mr. Potato Head, Sly probably had no money for writers. Secondly, everyone is familiar with the old saying "Too many chefs makes the soup delicious and even Oscar worthy." This led to lots of plot threads for each character and a twist that everyone saw coming and nobody cared about. Still, without this movie, I'd never know how to infiltrate any Third World Countries, and it's possible we'd all be speaking dinosaur now.

*Or even Crank, really. That movie was no good.

Life is Like a Box of RPGs

Not the rocket-propelled grenades, but the Role-Playing Games. Yes, I play some. Yes, I'm a bit of a dork, and I'm ok with that. Once I realized that many RPGs allow you to befriend bears or dragons, I was hooked. I draw the line at things like Magic: The Gathering, and I don't play World of Warcraft (but nor do I mock it). I recently got hooked on Dragon Age: Origins, which features many customizable characters who will join your party, including an intelligent, but non-speaking dog, a drunk dwarf and a sexy witch. One of the main aspects of these games is completing quests, which are divided into essential ones which advance the main story line, and side-quests, which you obtain by making conversation choices with characters you come across. Often times, you're forced to return to characters several times and make decisions as you pick up new information.

After playing the game for many hours over many days, I started to see my life as an RPG. Two relatives of mine were having issues with each other, and I accidentally got caught in the middle. After speaking with one, I went to the other, and heard a different side of it. It became a "he said, she said" situation, but with grown-ups. Luckily, my orb of truth was able to reveal any lies, so I transformed into a spirit wolf or some shit and attacked with my sword, Fangs of Carnage. Problem resolved.

I Can Trick a Twelve Year Old

When asked about how old I was in my SHSAT test prep class, I apparently told one of the girls 55. I say apparently, because I don't always listen to what I say. Additionally, I don't remember doing that, because it's a brush off answer, and 26 years in the future. However, when other girls in the class asked me, this girl said "Oh, he's 55," and then got flustered when I denied that outrageous lie. "But that's what you told me," she whined back.

When I finally admitted I was born in 1981, she confidently yelled out "AHA! You're 31!"

I apparently need to focus more on the math section of the test.

This Dating Life: More or Less

Okcupid.com has a feature that lists people who are similar to the profile you're checking out, with some quick thoughts on how the new person stacks up. Some I've noticed recently are similar, less spiritual, less kinky, messier, and more mathematical. This frees up a lot of possibilities. I'm so used to going on dates and thinking to myself, I like you, but I'd like you even more if you were less spiritual. Let's see....NoLoveForGod83 is looking pretty good. And finally, I have a quick way to find an atheist who likes calculators more than washing her hair or sex!

Waiting for Superman

Davis Guggenheim's exploration into our failing/failed educational system was an interesting documentary which raised many questions and had me thinking after (unlike Inception. Just saying.) Waiting for "Superman" follows 4 families in their quest to win the lottery so their children can go to a charter school, which are considered better, with almost no reason or stats given for why. There are plenty of poor man Monty Python-esque animations, which add some levity to an otherwise serious subject. The old thought that bad neighborhoods were responsible for bad schools is overturned, as Guggenheim postulates that bad schools cause dropouts, and with nothing to do all day, teens turn to crime and drugs. The teachers union is mostly villainized, with tenure being cited as a huge cause for sub-par teachers continuing to teach.

Without a doubt, this was a supremely entertaining movie which calls into question many of our current assumptions and shows that even schools in rich neighborhoods don't always properly prepare students with a great education. However, there were many flaws in the film. Not everything was addressed that could have been, and there were clear shortcomings. Unsubstantiated claims about success rates, arguments made without supporting stats, a less than objective view (without clear cut protagonists or antagonists), and an unsatisfactory ending (the rich white teen got into her lottery school, while the 3 minority kids, who were all easier to root for, didn't have their names called) were just some of the problems. The biggest one? Why was Green Lantern not in the movie?

This Dating Life: Oh, This is Your Apartment?

On a third date recently, I inadvertently (or unintentionally, if you prefer) walked my date back to her apartment. I knew it was her apartment because we stopped what I had assumed was our aimless walking, and also because she said "This is my apartment, in case you were wondering why we stopped walking." I had no problem with the walk home; we were close by, and I was going to offer to do it anyway. This just seemed like a strange way, a request-less transport. Our second date had went really well, and the third seemed to build on that. At this point, I was expecting an invite up for dessert (or, you know, maybe S-E-X), but unfortunately, that didn't happen. After some good night "discussions", she told me what a great time she had and how courteous, charming, gentlemanly and handsome I was and retreated to bed. I was left wondering why it was so difficult to gain access to a woman's apartment, and not in a creepy burglar or stalker way. Is there a magic password, like Pee-Wee Herman's word of the day?

A Joke

What's black and yellow all over, stings your ears and lasts too long? If you thought the punchline to this joke was a bee on Viagra, you'd be wrong, because the joke is Wiz Khalifa's song "Black and Yellow" and the punchline is, with this chorus, it still gets airtime.
"I put it down from the whip
To the diamonds I'm in
Black and yellow, black and yellow
Black and yellow, black and yellow."

This Dating Life: Ugh, HIM? REALLY??!!

At a recent housewarming party (at least, I assumed it was a housewarming party. Otherwise I wouldn't have brought that half full bottle of Absolut Currants Vodka I got for free as a housewarming present myself) a drunk woman asked me a bunch of questions. These included was I Jewish (preceded by "no offense"), if I was single, if I was interested in a blind date with her friend, if I drank (I was driving that night, so I only had seven none) and if I ever went into the city. I answered all the questions, but only because she told me I was kind of cute...I'm a sucker for compliments from women who are already spoken for.

I was then asked if me and Goldiloxx (code name for a friend) had ever dated. Before I could say anything, Goldi made some absurd (and completely uncalled for) gestures and faces as if she'd been stabbed by a knife that was coated in a disgusting substance, like vomit or sardines and vehemently said "Nooooo, unh-unh, noooo, nope, no, not something I'm interested in." A simple, "we never dated, but he's a great guy," would have sufficed.

Instead, Goldiloxx, who had previously introduced me to a woman with "This is ---------, he lives really far away from civilization, and you in particular, in case you had any thoughts of going home with him tonight or ever," basically told the nice woman who was interested in getting me a love life that I was undesirable (possibly due to boils all over my skin) and probably a horrible person. Thankfully, she forgot to mention that I drop kick kittens into the ocean.

NOT a Dating Service!!!

The amazing Karen, of Difficult Egg Production fame, hired me to do a couple of castings for a Verizon campaign for her. This meant models (both female and male, but who cares about the male models) would be coming to our rented studio space, posing for a few pics for me, and talking to me. Now, while I was a complete and utter professional about it, the guy side of me still got stoked at the prospect of interacting with beautiful women all day long. My hopes were dashed when I was told that I can't use casting calls as a dating service for me. So weird how every video I've ever watched on the internet says the exact opposite.

More Conversations With a Student

"I play guitar and I sing"
O, that's cool. Are you in a band with friends or anything?
"No, I don't have time for that," he said, scoffingly.
So, besides school and coming to SAT prep class, I said, expecting a sport or a job, what else do you do?
"Girls."

Rihanna

Dear Rihanna,

You are beautiful. Will you go out with me and buy me a new wardrobe?

Sincerely,
L Bo

Inception

Inception. Pshhhhh. More like "Not-that-good-eption."
Suck on that, Cobra Commander Joseph Gordon-Levitt!

This review will not be up to my usual great movie review standards, but that's only because I can't remember too much about it. I thought visually, Inception was stunning. However, the great hype machine hyped it up so much, there was no way it could live up to all the...uhm...hype. As a general rule, I'm usually disappointed by movies the masses say are great, probably because I expect too much, and possibly because I just like being a contrarian. Everyone I knew was talking about how the movie really made you think and what a questionable ending it had, etc. Spoiler Alert: I'm about to bash the hell out of the ending. And the movie in general, probably.

Leonardo DiCaprio finally finds his children and he embraces them and sees their faces (which would suggest he's awake, not dreaming, fyi) after he spins his "totem," which is a top he sorta stole from his dead wife who's suicide he was sorta responsible for, on a table. If the totem falls, he knows it's real life, not a dream. After the reunion, the camera cuts back to the top, which has a mini-hiccup and then keeps spinning, and then fade to black. I felt like the director decided he needed to pound the audience over the head with that, and that really pissed me off. I also expected the movie to be darker, didn't understand why an "architect was needed," and didn't understand why they wasted time showing Ellen Page making her own totem that she never used. Pkilla and B-Rad had problems with the whole concept of "dream invasion" and how it was never fully explored, but I think it's ok for things like that to be glossed over and just accepted. I was happy to hear they didn't like the movie at all, because my opinion that is was only ok seemed to be in the minority of just myself.

I loved Tom Hardy in the movie, but for the most part found it tough to care about the characters. It's like alternate futures, parallel worlds, or dream states in comics; the characters can die all the writers want, but at the end of the day, the status quo is still there. If anyone "died" in the dream, they'd just wake up, which takes away a lot of the danger and made me care less. Lastly, on the subject of not caring about things, is the plot and "secrets" Leo was holding throughout. They kept revealing all these tiny secrets throughout the movie, but it never felt like a big reveal or anything I cared about. Even the creepy hotel scene with his wife in the basement of the elevator in Leo's mind made me say "meh." First, we find his wife is sabotaging his dream invasions, then we find out she's dead, then we find out she committed suicide, which we then find out was partly Leo's fault because he drove her crazy by trying inception on her...WHO CARES!! Sorry Christopher Nolan. I love all your other movies that I've seen, and I'm so happy you're not shooting the next Batman in 3D, and again, this movie was visually stunning, but it wasn't the masterpiece or the mindfuck that people are claiming it is.

Nip/Tuck 1

Due to lots of pressure encouragement from Pkilla, I started watching Nip/Tuck, beginning with Season 1, because that seemed to be a good beginning point. I distinctly remember feeling completely lost during the first episode, as the show just kinda jumps immediately into the action. I also found I couldn't watch the show and eat at the same time. Bile (or some other weird yellow liquid, maybe pus??) gushing from a man on the surgery table is totally yuck and freaked me out. I often had to watch the surgery scenes from between my fingers. Here are some of my other thoughts on the first season/things I've learned (yes, it's an educational show):

-Best way to pick up a woman at a bar? Claim to be a doctor.

-Kelly Carlson is ridiculously hot. RIDICULOUSLY. HOT.

-The balance between man ass and boobs isn't leaning as far to the right as it should be.

-How is it possible Julian McMahon and Dylan Walsh are so good looking? Has either of them ever frowned in their whole lives?

-Self-circumcision, even when only off camera, is not cool.

-There's a lot of blood on the show, and again, less boobs than I was promised.

-Robert LaSardo, playing Escobar Gallardo, is easily the best part of this season. Except for Kelly Carlson, of course.

-Miami is very fake. But it's near the Everglades, which is apparently a great body dump site, as it's easy to dispose of the evidence. Thanks American Alligators!!!

-The characters on the show should be better to each other. There's a lot of cheating, lying, omitting, and hurting each other. And I hear it only gets worse.

-Episode 7, with a 3 some involving Sophia Bush and Kate Mara, is awesome. You can probably figure out why.

-Seducing a sex addict at Sexaholics Anonymous is kind of a dick move, but apparently an easy way to have sex.

-Christian Troy is my hero. I may take to calling everyone "sweetheart."