This Dating Life: Spoiler Alert

The world wide web of dating is rife with many pitfalls: crazy people, disappointing dates, and scams to get free meals. One thing I never thought I'd have to worry about though was a woman ruining a television show for me, until I got this message, responding to many of my professed interests:

"I really wanna go to the zoo. I could watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall over and over again. I want someone to teach me how to grow a decent strawberry patch. I want someone to watch Dexter with who was just as pleased when *REDACTED*. And someone who'll bake me mac n cheese then I'd make them fried ice cream. I'd also like someone who can reach the good wine glasses on the top shelf cause I'm too short. And someone who doesn't mind that I dance in my sleep."

Sure, there are positives. Zoos are some of my favorite places to go, more so during the fall and spring when kids are in school and can't ruin the experience for me. Anyone who recognizes the genius of F.S.M. clearly has good taste. I wouldn't mind someone dancing in their sleep, cause then they might be less likely to actually want to dance with me when we're both awake. However, then she's trying to put me to work. Strawberries are easy, as they spread like a weed. And sure, I can show off how tall I am and how long my arms are, but what do I get out of this? Can I use her head as a rest of my drink, to take advantage of her height as she is of mine? Finally, WHO REVEALS INFORMATION ABOUT A SHOW WITHOUT ASKING THE PERSON WHAT SEASON THEY'RE UP TO? An insensitive, unthinking jerk, that's who. Spoiler alert: We will NOT be going on a date. Ever.

This Dating Life: Germaphobe

I've dated many, many, MANY (SO MANY) types of women thus far, but have never been involved with a germaphobe. So it was with some trepidation that I continued dating Musical Molly (codenamed for her affinity for musicals) after hearing that she was a self-ascribed germaphobe. New clothes from the store freaked her out, and she would always wash new ladies underwear before wearing it for the first time. Which I found slightly ridiculous, the wearing of underwear that is.

However, it turned out she was just a huge liar. She held hands without any problems. Opened bathroom doors without using my shirt as a barrier. Didn't carry around an industrial size bottle of Purell. And most damning of all, she would routinely pick things up the floor JUST TO SEE WHAT THEY WERE! I'm not talking about thinking there's a 20 dollar bill on a New York City street, I mean random THINGS. When called on her bluff, she would routinely explain she's not "THAT kind of germaphobe." I could understand if the things were shiny, as there's a clear correlation between shiny objects and dragons and women being interested in them, but this was a receipt, or a scrap of paper, or a homeless man's condom. Ugh, I have to go take a hot shower just thinking about it.

Professional (And Unbiased) Movie Review: The Muppets

I shall firstly emphasize how completely unbiased this movie review is, despite me wishing for nothing more than a new Muppets movie for the last 12 years. Sure, I abandoned the naive notion of world peace in favor of Kermit and the gang on the big screen in my yearly pleas to Santa Claus, but that doesn't mean I can't be objective. And sure, I own a lot of Muppets memorabilia, including (but not limited to), action figures, t-shirts, comics and artwork by the immensely talented Amy Mebberson. And yes, I grew up on the Muppet Show, Sesame Street, Muppet Babies, all the Muppet movies, Jim Henson Hour and the Muppets Tonight. And definitely, I cried a little, many years ago when I heard a rumor Jason Segal, who can do NO WRONG, was going to write the next Muppets movie. However, none of that means I can't be objective.

Upon seeing posters and subsequently commercials, I was perturbed by this "Walter" character. I mean, do we really need a new Muppet? Granted, Sweet'ums probably couldn't play the role of Jason Segal's tiny brother, but hasn't the last major Muppet introduction, Elmo, sucking at everything caused enough trauma to the youth? But I found that while watching the movie, I didn't hate the new kid as much as I thought I would.

The movie shares equal story time between the plight of the Muppets and the humans, which would seem out of place to people who watched earlier movies which used humans more sparingly. Older fans will also be slightly disappointed by altered voices, due to many of the original puppeteers missing from the movie. The plot centers around the Muppets needing to get back together to foil evil oil magnate Chris Cooper, who has easily the best thought out and funniest song in the whole movie. One song and dance number is reminiscent of the suit dance from How I Met Your Mother; in another, Flight of the Conchords' Bret McKenzie's vision shines through. It was campy and hysterical and left me clapping at the end. Amy Adams and Jason Segal were brilliant as always (see above if you don't believe me), and finally, once again, the Muppets were in theaters.

My only issues with the movie are as follows:
1. Zoot didn't get to talk. He's zany and out there and says random funny things.
2. Swedish Chef didn't get a cooking with swedish chef spot on the show.
3. While there were some pretty great guest appearances (I won't ruin them here), the movie DEFINITELY missed out by not including Andy Samberg or Bill Hader, who would be perfect in this. Bill Hader would be perfect in any movie, but I'm getting off track slightly. Andy does a great Chef, and the whole SNL cast can jump in too.
4. Back to the guest appearances, the movie also missed out by not having the whole cast of How I Met Your Mother on it, which I would have enjoyed immensely.
5. There was no Jessica Biel, and no Rihanna. It was almost like this movie wasn't made to cater to my every whim. Seriously though, no Rihanna? She could fit into the movie seamlessly and play, I don't know, let's say...my girlfriend. I'd go see that movie in a second.

That's it. Those were the only issues I could see. Hopefully everyone else realizes how great this movie was and what a great idea it is to bring back this proud franchise to weekly television (not cable please). And perhaps Jessica Alba or Justin Timberlake can make guest appearances also. Just cause.

Muppets Movie Excitement

I'm going to see the Muppets movie tomorrow. I can't even think about anything else. If it's not good, I don't know what I'll do with myself; maybe watch the entire Season 1 DVDs after it? Though I'll probably do that either way. OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD I can't wait. I may not even sleep tonight. If I do, I'll definitely wear my muppets footie pajamas. F it, I'll do that either way. MUPPETS!!!!

Aquatic Big Buck Hunter

There are two things I like doing with wildlife: trying to catch them to pet them/play with them/ride them, and hunting them in video games with a shotgun at my waist, much like Doc Holliday. And running away from them if they're scary, like spiders or octopus or squid. Ok, three things. I haven't had much luck playing with any wild animals, and I've never brought my murderous spree to the real world, until...NOW!

When I was younger, I would often go fishing with my dad and sister at Kissena Pond, a small, man-made pond near Flushing, Queens. I was an excellent fisherman, and often caught double digit sunfish or crappies, using bread as bait. The fish were always returned to the water, and I'd go home content, knowing how good an outdoorsman I was, confident that the next time I'd outsmart the fish again. Unfortunately, this paradigm seemed to shift when pursuing actual fish you can eat, in real fishing places. I'm hoping it will shift back again, as I just applied for a one day fishing license in Colorado, and it was as rigorous as applying for a job.

First off, there are many, many, many hunting and fishing licenses you can apply for, some named after the animal (Wild Turkey, Mountain Lion), and some after the type, like furbearer (for small game). There's a chart on the site, showing how much a license costs per day, additional day, 5 days, week, month, or century, for residents and non residents. Once you finally get that all sorted, it's time to put in your information.

Colorado needs to know your name, date of birth, address...all the essential information you would imagine. Then they need your drivers license # and social security, which I was a bit leery of, especially after being asked if it was cool if they shared that info with their drinking and hunting buddies. Uhm. No. Not cool, actually. Finally, Colorado fishing license department whatever needed to know my height and weight (bit of a touchy subject right now), which I found quite odd. Odder still was the measurements, which started at 1 foot and went all the way up to 9. Sure, they don't want to discriminate. I was tempted to put in 9 foot, 4 inches, 400 pounds, but then thought if I caught a shark or something in the river and I wasn't allowed to, rather than send one ranger after me, they might send a battalion, and a tank. Which I'm just not physically prepared for.

This Dating Life: Misunderstanding

This story takes place approximately 2 months ago. The names have been changed...well, only her name has been changed, mine will remain, for bragging purposes. The premise is a lovely lady spent the night. I knew she was leaving for another state in a few days, for an undetermined amount of time. We engaged in relations that night, and again in the morning.

"Hey, this was a lot of fun. I'm glad we caught up, and you allowed me to sex you masterfully."

Lady: "Yes, that was quite amazing. My world has been transformed. Plus, you're ridiculously funny, and so ruggedly handsome. I can't believe I have to go to Michigan, which isn't even a fun state."

"Except for Crazy Jim's Blimpie Burgers, and their polar bear snow sculptures, you mean."

Lady: "Right, that goes without saying."

"Well, do you think you'll have time to do this again before you leave?"

Lady looks around: "Probably, but what time is it now?"

Laughter ensued as we realized the misunderstanding, followed by earthshaking and transcendental passion. The end.

This Dating Life: Silence is Golden

I've recently learned that sometimes, there are situations where things are best left unsaid. For example, if a lady is nice enough to spend the night after a fun night of comedy and beers, and then says: "I got SO drunk last night. Maybe I shouldn't have had that many beers."
The response should probably almost NEVER be: "I'm REALLY happy you got drunk last night," as that can cheapen the whole experience.

Another example might be asking a lady, whom you have a history with, if she wants coffee. She might reply that, from her memory of things, you make crappy coffee, since you don't really like it anyway. Probably a good idea not to say "I've been practicing," and then assure her the whole thing is really none of her business.