Eureka! A New Theory

I have deduced that tiny fruits are often times the most delicious fruits in the history of fruitdom. To prove this theory, I'd like to introduce exhibit A, satsuma tangerines. Exhibit B, clementines. And finally, Exhibit C. Blueberries. I rest my case. SCIENCE!

Rappity Rap Songs

It's been a while since I've written anything, but a recent mind state led to me picking up pen and paper again. Sorry, not everything I write can be funny.

Lack of Aggression
Used to be awkward and forward but now that's over
Now I'm more cautious and timid, scared to be tipped over
Risks are for the Brave & the Bold
Feeling like my bones are brittle but not that old
Need a teamup with Batman like Booster Gold
To boost my self esteem and see my worth as pure gold

************

RELIANCE
Letting everyone down
I should be an arch
A buttress, a fortress, something sturdy
not a bust
The Eldest, should be on my feet
Not asking for handouts, begging at your feet
What happened to my feats?
Legendary, hardly
But something more than Potential are they?

This Dating Life, Part the Eleventieth

Online dating has gotten even worse for me. Tired of paying for sites and then not taking women out cause I'm what many refer to as "broke," I opted to go for quantity over quality and cut the pay sites loose. Plentyoffish is great, because it's free, and only 70% of the women take their own photos. Out of them, only about half take 8 photos in a row from slightly different angles, and then post them online sideways, so you have to break your neck to check them out. The rest use cell phone cameras into a mirror with the flash on (BRILLIANT!), the arms length shot of their face only, or the computer shot in a dim-lit room. Real flattering.

However, now I don't even have weird conversations with women like "do you like my dog?" It's just conversations that don't ever even get off the ground because I don't deal well with people who have nothing to say.
Now, it's "hey how's it going?"
It's going well, how are you? I'm making a toy boat out of balsa wood and soon I'll go outside to collect snow for an indoor snowman.
"I'm doing laundry lol."

LOL???? REALLY??? You're laughing out loud that you're doing laundry?? My standards have sunk pretty low, but I'm still looking for people who aren't morons. If you're over 25, you shouldn't be starting AND ending the same sentence with LOL. I know it's odd, but I find basic conversational and spelling skills and reasoning abilities attractive. It should be called Plentyoffishthatcan'tspellatall.com instead. Because they can't spell. At all.

Glamourous Giobs (Jobs)

Working for the US Census Bureau is exactly as glamorous as you'd imagine. When they told me I'd be training for 2 to 4 days before they got me up and running on reading manuals everyday or printing maps, I imagined it would be similar to how US Agent or Captain America trains. And I wasn't disappointed (by that, at least).

After navigating obstacle courses straight out the Danger Room, I memorized the names of a thousand forms and their purposes. After that, I was able to learn how to use a copier, which, by the way, runs on magic. Or are made of magic, as my fellow clerk told me. My computer based training, or CBT (because acronyms are awesome, apparently), showed me what an up arrow was, then told me it was for going up, while the down arrow should be clicked for the purposes of going down.

As mentioned earlier, a couple things have disappointed me. My supervisor is great, but he looks a lot like Jared Jeffries, and I constantly want to ask him how he's in the NBA without any discernible offensive talent. My manager reminds me of Ricky Gervais, but he never giggles, asks if I'm having a laugh, or says anything funny in a British accent. Finally, the map pouches which hold the maps that all operations are reliant on aren't really map pouches. I had imagined oil skin pouches, like something Lewis and Clark carried with them. Instead they're simply inter-office envelopes with maps inside. How commonplace! If the enumerators aren't frontiersman types like Davy Crockett decked out in a coonskin hats, but rather everyday people who enjoy counting, I think I may quit.

Baby Wins in Me Vs. Baby; Nation Shocked

Since I last saw baby Maren, she's grown exponentially cuter. Also exponentially wilier and manipulative. Thankfully she still doesn't know what exponents are, otherwise this round of Me vs. Baby would have been a blowout.

Maren's parents have given her a toy to play in for her high grades in imaginary school. It's called safari-bounce-a-lot or something like that, and teaches her many important things. Music will occur whenever you move in it, just like in real life. Polar bears and penguins get along famously and both LOVE being spun around. Most importantly, it teaches her that every animal in the world, from sea lion to toucan and back, is there to be grabbed and put in her mouth.

When not destroying the world's ecosystems to aid in her toothing, baby Maren also loves playing a game called Zebra Floor. It's very complex, but to simplify the rules, she has a zebra with multi-colored legs. She throws it on the floor. You hand it back to her in a nice gesture, and she throws it on the floor again. Giggle and repeat. Since she's still quite young, she's still able to manipulate her parents into cleaning up her poop. And believe me, she's VERY happy about that. The lesson here is that babies have it good. I wish I was excited by anything as much as Maren when her mom tells her she can play on the floor for a little. Not quite able to crawl yet, she'll spin around and around until after a good 20 minutes, she makes it 3 inches away, just to touch something shiny. No locomotion skills to speak of, but always happy.

Constitutional Defender

Think long and hard next time you think about trying to fight the Constitution, because you'll have to go through me first. After being sworn in as an official US Census Bureau employee, I'm now allowed to defend the constitution against all enemies, both foreign AND domestic. If you thought 24 was gripping and raw, you ain't seen nothing yet. All enemies better stay hidden like camouflaged ninjas cause if I even see them GLANCE at the Constitution the wrong way, I'll take the Queenz bat* to them.

Somehow, despite having the most ambivalent interview ever, I was given a job as office clerk, to start training a scant 4 days after interviewing. Going against HD's first piece of advice, (more on that later), I wore a button down shirt and jeans. Arriving at the office, I noticed everyone in training was wearing a suit, or dress pants, tucked in shirt and a tie. I laughed at those clowns, thinking they were completely overdressed. Then I saw my manager in a suit. THEN I got the rules of the office, which included "all male employees are to wear a tie." I wondered what happened to the office I saw last week, with my manager in a thermal shirt under a t shirt. Ohhhhh, I slowly figured out, that was CASUAL FRIDAY.

The second piece of advice HD offered me was to make my lunch and breakfast the night before. Ridiculous, I said. If I did that, the jelly would leak through my bread and make my PB & J all soggy. Yuck. I ended up not having enough time to make both in the morning, and having to go without a sandwich. I did have a not soggy PB & J though, so, really...victory.

*The Queenz Bat is a bat James and I found when we were about 17, wooden, completely beaten up and possibly with traces of blood on it. It was clearly never used for playing ball, but rather for hitting things. These things might also be commonly called "people's body parts."

My Sonic Screw Driver Failed Me

After getting 100 on the US Census Bureau test, I was fairly certain they'd ask me to be a local manager, maybe even run the whole things. Odds were in my favor that I'd BECOME the census, and just guess how many people there are, what their ages, sex, race, religion and shoe sizes are, and where they live. I was called in Thursday night for a Friday morning interview, uncertain even of what position I was applying for.

It was rough preparing, as I had to squeeze into 8 year old khakis and throw on a fancy shirt. It's odd, but there's not much call for dress pants in the "sitting on the couch" industry. When I arrived at the address, I had to triple check to make sure, as it looked mostly abandoned. I almost didn't go inside, as I started thinking this was all a plot to recruit humans to be skinned or absorbed or dissolved or eaten to fuel some alien's insidious plot. I REALLY need to stop watching Doctor Who before I go to sleep.

My interview involved 4 people, which seemed to confirm I was there for a high level job. However, words used by the manager, like "clerk" and "office," seemed to refute my hypothesis. I wasn't prepared for some of the questions asked, like "why do you want to work for the census?" or "what are your strengths, and what are your weaknesses?" I wish I had paraphrased Nas and said I had no weaknesses, that way no one can move on me. The interview lasted 15 minutes, which meant I wasted 3 quarters at the meter. Why do people have to ask such tough questions at interviews?!?! Jerks.

Two Blogs for the Price of One!

What a deal! Now you can read about my exploits on this blog while viewing my photos on THIS ONE. And probably still on here as well. I'm not even sure if you guys deserve a treat this awesome. Must be in a good mood. Everyone, you're welcome.

It's a new year, and many exciting changes will be occurring. Mostly to other people, however. I've decided I need a better outlet for my photography work, so I can differentiate between my serious side and the side that continues to make HD and my mom laugh.

Stay tuned for more HUGE news and updates. Seriously, don't leave this website. Please.

I work hard for jars of honey

Last Friday, I had the privilege of taking the US Census Bureau test, and getting the highest score in the history of ever on it. My competition was what you'd expect to see at jury duty, or the DMV.

"I'm not sure," said one man when asked if he was registered to vote, after not being sure if he had signed up for selective service. Joke could be on him pretty soon.

Veterans get special preference on the test, adding 5 points to their score. Now, I'm not mocking veterans or soldiers, as I greatly appreciate what they've done for the country. Like Mike Birbiglia said, "I love the troops, because if they weren't the troops, I'd be the troops." This guy asked if he'd get the 5 extra points because he "served in Iraq, with Generals Schwarzkopf and Colin Powell, in the Gulf War." Like he was sitting on a bench, and those were the guys to the left and right of him.

Best of all was one slightly delirious, continuous question asking, myopic lady. I listened to all her tales, but finally tuned out after I heard the "psychic-spiritual realm."

All this is to say I feel pretty good about my chances. If the Census Bureau does offer me a job though, I'm going to try to start a bidding war. Sure, $18 an hour is great, but the Associated Supermarket down the block wants me real bad, and they're willing to give me $20 an hour to count cans, plus all the artichokes I can eat and priority checkout. Can you top that, government?

I'm just kidding. If I get offered any job at this point I'll take it. It's gotten so bad that I've even applied to the popular office supply store "Papals." And not even heard back from them. The only thing "Papals" has to do with the Vatican is I said "HOLY SHIT, my self-esteem is so low I'm applying to Papals, and not even getting hired there!"

Argumentative

Recently I got into an argument with HD's brother, Brainiac. We started discussing global warming and he told me he didn't believe it because he heard scientists with data to contradict all the scientists who say it's upon us. And it was very convincing. Just like I believe the scientists who use their data to show me global warming is occurring, he believes his crackpots. Sure, he's entitled to his opinion. He's dead wrong, and it's a stupid opinion, but he's entitled to it.

I asked him if one weather man told him a terribly destructive storm was on it's way and another denied it, would he prepare or sit on his front porch? I think it's the same situation here. On the very, VERY off chance global warming is a myth, wouldn't you still want to be prepared against it? Are recycling and cutting pollution really horrible things to aspire to? If climate change was a myth, who would be perpetrating it? Maybe it's like a weird Doctor Who plot, with Al Gore as the evil alien villain, trying to make our planet clean and livable so his alien brethren can take over. That's a much more convincing argument for me than "scientific" "data". If it's all the same with you, I'll watch this one from behind the couch.

Morning Fruit

That's not a salutation, but an opener to a serious discussion on classification. It's simple, really. Apples are not morning fruits. I discovered this while trying to eat an apple with breakfast recently. Something just didn't feel right. Maybe, as Pkilla pointed out, it's the texture. Or maybe she's just bitter at apples because they try to poison her. We'll probably never know. What is considered a breakfast, or "morning," fruit, you might ask, adding the phrase "your excellency," most likely? I'm not entirely sure, but berries are in. So is most citrus, so long as it's not used to make a gin and tonic or ward off scurvy. Bananas, definitely. Most tropical fruits, especially mangoes, papaya, persimmons, kiwis. Figs, yes. Melons, yes. Grapes, ehhh. That's borderline. Raisins, like most dried fruit, fall into the morning category. Plums are more of an afternoon snack, but peaches and nectarines and apricots can be eaten with your Lucky Charms.

It's really just apples that have no place showing up to breakfast, or even brunch, despite all their sly talk of waking you up in the morning better than coffee. One a day might keep the doctor away, but make sure it's after breakfast or you'll hate yourself, is how the saying really went.

Kids Say More Darnedest Things

While telling my SAT class where I live, because a couple of them live in my area:

Big, kinda scary, HS junior Defensive End with deep Brooklyn voice: Hey. I used to live on Phoney Island Avenue* between Avenue Teepee and Blings Biway. You ever see me over there?

Me, hiding my incredulity and laugh pretty well: No, I don't think so. You ever see me?

DE: Nah.

*Note: Names of streets have been deliberately poorly altered to protect actual streets.

The Battle of 2009

Official numbers are now in, and the battle for most blog postings in 2009 was won by me, handily defeating Human Dynamo 73 to negative 7. If quality of rhymes counted for more than quantity of half-thought asinine ideas written sloppily, then HD would have won. However, they don't. So better luck in 2010. Jerk.

Kids Say the Darnedest Things

As a SHSAT (the test for students in NYC to get into specialized high schools like Stuyvesant or Brooklyn Tech) teacher, I got used to the barely post pubescent kids saying dumb things and being amused by words like pianist or sniffing each others hand sanitizers all class long. However, one day before they were about to take a test (after taking one the previous class), I had this enlightening conversation:

How come we're taking another test? We just took one. I don't feel like I've learned anything.
-Like what? Math? What do you feel you haven't learned?
Really, how to take the test and have enough time on it.
-Oh, well that's about paci...
Like last test, I didn't finish. I had about 20 questions left when time ran out.
-Did you spend too long on the reading? Did you remember to skip a question and come back if it seemed hard?
Well, I spent the first 20 minutes doodling.
-You understand how this is YOUR fault, right?

Damn You, Patriots!

This is what you wanted, isn't it? You cunning bastards. The whole season I continuously rooted against you and hoped large chunks of pavement might fall from the sky near you. To scare you off from playing football forever, not to maim or kill you. I'm not a monster! And now? Now? In order for the Miami Dolphins to make the playoffs, you diabolical dirt bags will have to beat the Texans. Which means I'll have to root for you to beat them. DAMN YOU, PATRIOTS! I draw the line at rooting for Tom Brady though. Maybe Randy Moss can throw touchdown passes to himself?

*Spoiler Alert*

****SPOILERS BELOW. READ AT YOUR OWN PERIL, SOUTH DAKOTA****

The New Year is here! On December 31st, at 11:59 PM, EST, everyone started counting down the seconds till the year 2010, a new decade, rife with new possibilities (like bedding a drunk at whatever party you happen to be at). Fireworks, merrymaking and general revelry ensued everywhere. No word yet on whether any states west of Indiana have experienced this yet, but one would believe that it's only a matter of time before they experience the same twists and turns of this surprising comedy/thriller/period piece masterpiece.