This Dating Life: Clear Headed

I recently had a great first date, with a lady from Connecticut.*  We discussed many things, including cookies for dinner, and how her father calls woodchucks "varmints."  It's long been a secret desire of mine to date a relative of Yosemite Sam.  I also proved a theory I've long believed: one drink is just not enough for her to make a mistake.

*historically one of my least favorite states.  CT drivers refuse to use the right lane for any reason, leaving the left and middle lanes to be clogged.  Greenwich has so much money it hurts my soul, and Stamford always has a traffic jam on I-95, for no damned reason.  It needlessly further distances me from loved ones: Were Connecticut to be removed from the map, my trips to Massachusetts would be considerably shorter.  However, they do have some great, rich top soil, and the Hutch is kinda bad-ass.

Professional Movie Review: Lincoln

Lincoln was many things.  A great president.  A city I assume I never want to visit.  Fun toy based on logs.  A bit too long.  And a pretty good movie with great acting.  However, it was not the action-packed movie with both Daniel Day Lewis and vampires that I was hoping for.  In fact, in three hours of Civil War history, I didn't see a single vampire get hunted, nor even bare its teeth.

I did, however, see Lincoln get upstaged repeatedly by whatever character Tommy Lee Jones played.  That's not to take anything away from Abe.  Tommy Lee Jones was just intense, amazing, and very likable, cemented by the ending.  I actually heard an argument the other day where someone was mad that DDL was being considered for a Best Actor award, since "nobody knows what Lincoln was actually like, therefore how can you say DDL played him really well?"  From the home movies that were recovered on Lincoln's cell phone, that's how.

The movie should have been called "The 14th Amendment" (or whatever amendment it was that freed slaves, I don't remember history too well and there's no possible way I could quickly research this information) or perhaps "Mary Todd Lincoln is constantly hysterical and it annoys me."  The movie was less a biography and more about a specific period of time and an act that changed history.  For the better.  That's why the ending pissed me off so much.  Spoiler alert.  He gets assassinated.  In a theater.  Everybody who's passed 2nd grade knows this, so why spell it out in the movie?  It's not like after the amendment passed, I was wondering what would happen next?  There was no cliffhanger, no possible sequel, and no need for a montage with text on the screen to let me know what happened to all the characters.  Everybody already knows.

I did learn some interesting things, like not all the Northerners in Congress were for freeing all the slaves.  You never really read about that in our history books.  That and the White House was constantly cold.  Lincoln spends most of his time in the White House walking around in a Snuggie.  Either he was secretly a woman (everyone knows women don't have blood, which is why they're always cold) or he didn't know how to dress himself very well.  It was this slight affectation that proves how well Daniel played the part.

Professional TV Review: Game of Thrones

I recently finished George Ruby Red Railroad (leave off the last R for savings) Martin's masterpiece, Game of Thrones, and decided to branch out from doing professional movie reviews to just-as-professional TV reviews.  My choice to watch the show after I read the book stems from being a big believer in using your own imagination to bring the characters to life.  Having finished that, I decided I needed to watch the show for a number of reasons, chief amongst them everyone declaring what a great show it was, and wanting to see what a direwolf and direwolf pups look like, in real life.

I'm currently in the middle of the first episode, but so far all that's happened is I've been reminded how much I HATE Sansa.  She is so whiny and annoying, and nothing has even happened yet.  However, now I don't have to use my imagination to picture what me punching Sansa looks like; I can punch the TV every time she comes on screen.  Thanks, HBO!

I've heard the show follows the exact plot of the book, so there's little chance anyone on screen will punch Sansa, or one of the wolves will go CHOMP.  However, I'm holding out hope that she gets her due for whininess later in the season, or even better, this first episode.  Man, I hate Sansa.

Professional Movie Review: Hunger Games

It turns out, I don't have the emotional capacity or maturity to watch The Hunger Games.  Nor, you could argue, the stones.  My most recent guys night out involved me hunched over in a corner, gently rocking back and forth, and saying "please don't let them get catness, please don't let them get catness," while my friends exclaimed the movie wasn't brutal enough.  The one point I will agree with my bloodthirsty gladiator friends is that Catness never had to make a hard decision.  She was never forced to kill the innocent, or the cute, to survive.

Beware.  Spoilers abound.

The thoughts I remember having during the movie, when not crying or getting excited over something:

• That fancy city was what would happen if Marilyn Manson, the Joker, a flamingo and Demolition Man ever tried to conceive a child together, and then the child decided to import a futuristic Mermaid Parade.
• Pita is not a boys name.  Neither is Gale.  Peter is.  And so is Hurricane.
• It really bothered me that the people running the "game" could just conjure up fireballs and ground hounds to help kill people.  Takes away from the whole gladiator / fairness aspect, I thought.
• It was a little creepy when Pita said he'd been watching Catness and following her all the time.  "Everyday.  No, seriously.  No, no, seriously." Stares intensely at her.  "EVERY.  DAY."  Proof once again that women love to be stalked.
• I KNEW the little girl was going to be killed.  I just knew it!  Mostly because everyone had to die, as that was the main point, but still.  I totally called it.
• I was very satisfied that the movie had an ending, but very confused by that fact as well.  I remember watching Lord of the Rings and knowing it was a trilogy, yet still being utterly bewildered and majorly angered by the "ending" where the intrepid band of adventurers walked across a plain and then...End.
• What happens now?  Does Catness have to keep fighting in the games because her sister is too scared all the time?  If only there were SOME way to find out what will happen in the next movie.

Birbigs Inspired Mom Joke

My sister and I were planning out my Mom's birthday, the same way we do every year.  We talk about it a month before it's going to happen, then do nothing.  Then, a week before, we discuss what we should do for it, then do nothing.  A few days before, we discuss restaurants and logistics, then do nothing.  Finally, the day before, we talk on the phone about restaurants.  And finally, do nothing.  Until the very next day, when we make reservations.  Which is exactly what reservations were invented for...last minute table saving.

This year, we decided to break from tradition and look for a good French restaurant.  We're looking on nymag.com for their restaurant recommendations, entrees around 25 to 30 bucks, so we could all enjoy appetizers, a bottle of wine (or some French malt liquor, whatever) and dessert.  Nothing more expensive, so my sister and I wouldn't go broke.  You know, a nice dinner.  At a place my mom would like.  However, all we could find were places that were $40 and up for entrees.  I told my sister, "it's like, I love you, Mom, but maaaaaybe not for $75 dollars a person."

Epilogue: We found a cheaper French restaurant.  It was delicious.  My mother enjoyed it, as we all did.  The wine list baffled me, but the sommelier was helpful, and even taught me how to write "Happy Birthday, yo!" in French.  I have since forgotten.  Happy New Year everyone, and remember to cherish your family.  Just maybe not at such a high price point.