Knicks Punk'd You!

In what could only be an early April Fool's joke or a possible prank from Punk'd, the New York Knicks traded Quentin "Roundface" Richardson to the Grizzlies for Darko Milicic. Despite being a non-playing member of the under-20 Championships team, Darko's stock rose when, at age 16, he joined Yugoslavia's top club team and proceeded to put up quite earthly numbers against middle-aged men and 7 year old boys. His competition most likely resembled the crowd at my local Turkish family-style restaurant. Drafted as the number 2 pick in the 2003 NBA ahead of Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh, Dwayne Wade, Shaq, Michael Jordan, the 1st round pick in the 2004 thru 2009 drafts and you, he has so far not lived up to expectations. All that is reckoned to change under Mike D'Antoni's "pretend you're European" offense, which either makes this a shrewd move by Donnie Walsh, or he really is a mole man like I suspected and living underground since 2002, when Milicic was an intriguing prospect. Oh Knicks, you got me again!

Strawberry Hunter Prime

Last Saturday, despite the overcast conditions, my family and I decided to trek out to the barren wastelands of Long Island to an organic strawberry farm. Yea, I'm calling you out, LI. You used to be a farming community, full of fresh produce and vineyards. Now all you produce is strip malls, pre-fab suburban communities with identical houses and these guys. But I digress.

I have an unusual allergy to strawberries, in that I can't eat them fresh without getting hives. Or I assume I still have it, as I was told about it when I was 4, and decided trying to disprove the theory while not inside a hospital was a bad idea. Towards this end, my mom forced me to wear plastic gloves that were 3 sizes too small to pick the berries. My mom quickly ran through the whole patch, declaring there were no strawberries anywhere except where she stood, and she may have knocked over a tiny child for picking berries in her area. My dad just took photos while my sister picked strawberries with decent acumen. I, never having seen a fresh strawberry before, was a little perplexed, but quickly learned how to hunt these clever creatures. Everyone had their quart buckets overflowing for hours as I quietly and deftly moved among the foliage, stalking only the most prime and delicious specimens for my bucket. I conscripted my sister as my assistant/co-host of my self-produced imaginary tv show, "The Strawberry Hunter." There can only be one.

Larry Larry Quite Contrary

How does my garden grow, you ask?
CHECK IT OUT FOOL!

Raised bed, made out of chopped down Alianthus, or tree of heaven, an invasive species.

Blackberries growing along the wall; being pollinated by a bee

Clematis Etoille Violette; blackberry blossoms

Zucchini blossoms close after the morning; orange day lillies, another invasive

Sugar snap peas growing along a trellis I made; asparagus turns into a tiny tree

Lavender

Me vs. You

I finally found someone I could compare myself against favorably pretty much every time. That's right, baby Maren, I'm calling you out. It's really your mom's fault, as she started bragging about how you were 10 pounds when you were born. Me? I'm 200. Solid muscle. That's 20 times your weight, baby Maren. TWENTY! What else am I better at than you?

1. I'm a better photographer.
2. I speak English more good than you.
3. I can walk. WHAT WHAT!
4. I'm a better basketball player than you.
5. Two words: origami swans.
6. I have a better grasp of technology and the internet than you.
7. I can stay awake more hours a day than you. Barely.
8. Two more words: solid food.
9. Ability to use toilet on own.
10. I cry less.

That's all I'm gonna say for now; I don't want you to get a complex. But that's only because I'm more thoughtful and kinder than you.

Wolverine Oranges

Think about it. They'd have sharp claws, and constantly regenerate. You could make UNLIMITED juice from them, I'd imagine! This is what HD heard when I told him I saw the new X-Men Origins: Wolverine movie...which conveniently leads me into a review of the film. You're welcome.

Marvel hasn't realized yet they need to consult Casey and myself before releasing a movie where they massacre our childhood heroes. What the hell are those exo-suits in GI Joe and why is there no Roadblock? Despite knowing there was a hobbit on the Weapon X team and in all likelihood Marvel messed up parts of the storyline, I was excited for the movie. A lot of whiny fanboys were whining that the interesting part of Wolverine's origins is how mysterious and confusing it is, so showing us the origins would foul all that up. Who cares? GAMBIT, YO! And Lynn Collins. Ain't nothing wrong with that! The movie was good, not X-Men 2 good (Colossus, Rebecca Romijn, daaaaaamn), but that all came crashing down in the last 15-20 minutes. List, please!

1. If you have Gambit in a movie, you best use him. A lot. Make him a good guy, make him bust ass, and throw lots of cards. All-american Friday Nights boy was not mysterious enough to play Remy LeBeau. Also, Cajuns have CAJUN accents, and say "mon ami" a lot. Check your facts, Gavin Hood.

2. Deadpool is the MERC WITH A MOUTH. Sewing his mouth shut defeats all that. Giving him Cyclops' eye lasers was stupid and unneccesary, as was Bradley Bolt's stupid ability so he could be controlled. How are they going to make a Deadpool movie, now that they killed him off? Everyone knows you can never ever ever bring comic book characters back from the dead.

3. There was NO reason for Cyclops to even be in the movie.

4. Patrick Stewart looked to be made of plastic at the end. O yea, spoiler alert. Patrick Stewart is in the end of the movie, and not as Captain Jean-Luc Picard.

5. Emma Frost can turn herself into diamond, NOT sequins. She looked like someone bedazzled her.

6. The whole end of the movie was made to spoon feed the viewer, so that everything nicely leads into X-Men 1. I felt the same way after watching the new Star Wars. It's ok to leave some things hanging. We're not idiots.

Paparazzo of Pretty Predators and Plants

For my birthday, my wonderful sister got me a gift certificate to Garden World, a planet just outside of Pluto and the place I'd choose to live, should I ever have to make an exodus from Earth. A lush and green planet, Garden World is home to a bazillion different plant species, from lowly (yet classy) Vinca Minor to huge maple trees, with all manner of perennials, annuals and fruits and veggies in between. There's gardening equipment to help maintain the local population, and all manner of contraptions to lure local birds to your parties. After hours of losing myself in the splendors, I finally settled on a Clematis Etoile Violette, a Reliance grape vine and a tupperware container of ladybugs.

Upon returning to my own home planet, I released the lady bugs in a massive swarm to help me combat my growing aphid problem. After some initial hesitation to leave my hands and arms, they've spread out and laid eggs, which in turn have become larvae, which, like tiny crocodiles devour the aphids and protect my apricot tree. I tried to take pictures of these alien species, but unfortunately, the ladybugs hate paparazzi.

Movin' On Up

After a year and a couple months, James Cash is abandoning our happy home for the chance to live with his girlfriend. He assures me it's not cause she's prettier than me, but I have my doubts. This means I need a new roommate by the end of the month. I'd prefer one with the initials JC, as I've gotten quite used to running around the house singing "James Cash, James Cash, what ya gonna do, what ya gonna do when...," but this appears to be unlikely. While Pris' offer of exiling her messy brother to Brooklyn and the possibility of crazy folks on Craigslist sounds appealing, I've decided the best course of action was to trick HD into moving back in.* Using my wit and wiles like Mr. E. Coyote, I came up with the following great reasons for the Human Dynamo to move back to Brooklyn:

1. He'll have a 40 inch flat screen TV (that is his and he'll be able to share with me).

2. Driving from Brooklyn to Parsippany, New Jersey everyday at 6 AM is fun. Who doesn't like rush hour traffic or rubbing sleep out of your eyes in time to avoid hitting a Miata?

3. Driving from Brooklyn to Parsippany, NJ (and back again) everyday at 6 AM is much more convenient than having his boss pick him up in Jersey City.

4. We'll have two XBox 360's, which means we can play 8 player Gears of War 2 on our new large TV.

5. Everything's in Russian!

6. We can go on double dates with Hasidic twins!

*Second best course. First best was to turn the downstairs room into a grizzly bear or polar bear hangout spot.