Terrorsaurus Teddy

"It's kind of a cute little teddy bear and people wouldn't think that a cute
little teddy bear would be able to kill fish."

Ok, what are teddy bears based on? Right, real bears. And what do real bears do? Yes, beg to be cuddled and wrestled with and ridden through the Holland Tunnel as my personal, eco-friendly transportation. But also, kill fish with the express purpose of eating them. And while this teddy bear probably bit off more than he could chew, his instincts were in the right place. Yes, 2,500 is a lot, but maybe he was real hungry at the time, and ended up having eyes that were bigger than his stomach. That's why everyone cautions grocery shopping while hungry. Same principle.

Read the whole article here: http://msnbc.msn.com/id/15004927/?GT1=8506

By the way, don't go expecting 2-3 posts a day in the future, because you'll be severely disappointed. Like I was when the tooth fairy turned out to be my father in his underpants.

I should be an economic advisor

The following dream like sequence took place when "shelled out the 5 beans to enter" was read as "shelled out the 5 bears to enter." From the opening statement of a photoset from pkiller's privately run Home for Good Photos:

Itchy for more sunshine, brother dear and I shelled out the
5 beans to enter Riis Park, where a hidden pitch-n-putt course and topless beach
await! (Unfortunately for this photo set, we visited neither.)

I was in an alternate future, ripe with deliciousness, and delirious with possibilities. 5 bears. Imagine that! An economy based on using bears as currency. Grizzlies and polar bears would be worth more than black and sloth bears, of course. Pandas would flood the market, much like Keropi gear in Chinatown 5 years ago. Koala bears would be looked upon like 2 dollar bills - everyone wants one, but nobody's quite sure that they're still considered legal tender. Bear dogs and the binturongs (nicknamed the bear-cat), as they aren't real bears, would be viewed like Canadian money. Trying to pass a teddy bear off as real currency could earn you 3 to 5. Should you come across a ghost bear on the street, pick it up! It's like finding a 1969-S Lincoln Cent with a Doubled Die Obverse!

But consider the ramificiations of a marketplace driven by this furry legal tender. By this, I mean in regards to my personal finance, because I see no way in which a future society governed by the economic principles of bear trading is bad. Unless, of course, everyone uses bears to purchase Segways. I would be extremely better at saving, because why would i want to get rid of bears? I'd have a huge vault, like Scrooge McDuck, but it's probably easier to do the backstroke through dubloons than ursines. I'd end up selling everything I own, including my jointly recently purchased condo, just to gain more bears. Actually, before this alternate future happens, I'll probably lose the condo when I decide playing craps is a good way to pay off the mortgage. I'd have 1 set of clothing, eat off other people's plates at restaurants (to be fair, that's currently something I aspire to) and probably have to cut back on buying Green Lantern merchandise. None of this matters, as I'd have AN ARMY OF DIFFERENT SPECIES OF BEARS!!!!

The saying goes, "Money can't buy you happiness." But that's only because we're still on the dollar.

Homeownership, Actually

It took 2 months, many lost papers, many irate calls from the real estate broker and much frustration, but Dynamo and I finally got clearance to close. Our mortgage was approved! Now, all we have to do is...well, I'm not really sure, but sometime next week we'll be signing documents until our hands hurt. That is, of course, contingent on the bank's attorney and the State of New York Mortgage Agency not losing any papers. Which isn't a given, given that one of the first questions was how to spell our names "since I can't locate the papers at the moment." Sigh.

Segway Voluntary Recall

Dear Segway PT* Owner:

Segway's parent company, Stupid Transportation Ideas, in cooperation with the Committee That Oversees Things (CTOT), has voluntarily recalled all PT(s)** Apparently, there's a software defect that makes all riders look like tools. While independent market research has asserted riders were tools before purchasing our Personal Transporter (cause and effect relationships in the marketplace), a recent aggrieved lazy person was thrown while trying to ride in reverse, causing the software to come under scrutiny. Models H/HU***, WHY**** and Jesus, Just Get A Damned Scooter are not being recalled because they don't run on software. Fortuitously, these models run off the shear stupidity involved in such a vehicle.

Our updated software for the PT will include a holographic projection of rapper Master P, in an attempt to gain some street cred. While everyone knows Segways are bought by the terminally lazy and the stupid in society, we're hoping to gain market share by infiltrating the 'hood. Convinced that Master P drives a PT, ghetto youth will flock to the market, quickly pimping out PTs with 22"s, spinners, and bulletproof...well, there's nothing really to be bulletproofed, but we'll work on that. Seeing the popularity, suburban white kids with tons of money and no sense of individuality will quickly be sucked in. Frankly, the higher ups at Segway aren't quite sure why the sawed off motorized scooter sells so well, as it's rather useless and stupid looking, but we won't say no to profits.

At Segway, making stupid transportation ideas come to life is our job. Well, that and providing rich, corny looking people a device that makes them look even cornier. Hoverboards were beyond our technical expertise, so we made these things instead, and they have caught on among people who forget they have legs to walk with. We will do our best to make the Master P hologram's gold teeth as realistic looking as possible.

Sincerely,

Stone Derron


* Pretty Tacky
** Pterodactyled Tire(s) (I wish)
*** Highly/Humorously Useless
**** Would you buy this?

Furniture Hunting with a Turkey Gun

Dynamo and I are going to be roommates in 2-3 weeks. Maybe more, since his knee "still hurts." Waaah. We need a coffee table, and I, stupidly, passed on the ideal one about two months ago. Mainly because a coffee table, despite being glass and modern and ridiculously amazing, is rather useless without an apartment. However. this didn't stop us from buying 5 bar stools, and we don't have a bar either.

While searching on Craigs List recently for a coffee table, I came across a post titled "Black Panther glass coffee table." Wow, I thought, the Avenger in coffee table form. But wait, I also thought (this thought came later in time, yet before I looked at the picture), what if it's a coffee table promoting the militant black rights' group? Is glass Huey P Newton really something that says: Come, sit down, eat some of our baba ganouj, but keep your damned fingerprints off me? Actually, probably. Luckily, it was a black panther, like the large deadly jungle cat, holding an oval of glass on it's back. It was deemed tacky by my coworkers. Luckily, I was able to find this rustic, yet elegant, specimen, which simultaneously says I'm cute, with incredible balance, endurance and strength, but steal my honey and I'll rip you apart with my razor sharp, dangerous claws.

I hate Sherman

Only in the literal sense.

My Nigerian Food Misadventures

Excited isn't the word. There was definitely some trepidation, but Dynamo knows me, knows what kind of food I don't eat (neither spicy nor disgusting) and had been there before. Plus, he's laid up with a "recovering-from-surgery-knee." Milking it, is what it is. Nonetheless, I felt obligated to go where he wanted.

And I'm so glad I did, because now I feel fully qualified to present my list of...

What Not To Do At The Nigerian Restaurant:

Expect your waiter to listen to you while he's talking on the phone. It's rude to interrupt someone's conversation

Expect your waiter to not sell CDs out the back of the restaurant (bootlegged or otherwise)

Turn the waiter away when you're not ready to order. He will go sell CDs out the back of the restaurant

Order goat head

Order mixed meat

Order anything if you can't handle spicy food and don't want to eat with your hands

Be white

Expect the waiter to bring you what you ordered

Order fish. Your meal, even if it's plantains with rice, will undoubtably come with fish of some sort

Try ordering food that's not on the menu. This actually probably goes for all restaurants

Repeatedly insist you heard there was a Ghanian woman who made good Red Red here. This tends to sound like you're trying to score drugs, or powerful Kool-Aid

Let the waiter pick which sauce to put on your fish dish. He WILL opt for the "slimy sauce"*

Yell how you prefer Senegalese food as you run out the front door, even if it's true




*When the waiter gave the "option" of slimy sauce, this is what popped into my head: http://oldschooltoons.tripod.com/images/slimer.jpg

Telly Tragedy

For those fans of Sesame Street, or more specifically, obscure muppets from said television show, this has nothing to do with the beloved honker. Sadly, I don't know enough about his recent ongoings to write about. In this case, "Telly" is merely a shortening of the word "television." "Television" is still in trouble.

Despite my manifestos, mandates and recently installed mandibles, reality TV prospers, a giant "fuck you" waving from their Survivor banner. Speaking of which, they recently divided into tribes based on ethnicity, to battle over who gets to cake themselves in mud and eat locusts to Survivorize. What a novel concept. I remember other tribes that had segregated themselves based on race and ethnicity. And look what happened to the Navajo, Lakota and Iroquois (not to mention Soiux and Cree)! They lost Manhattan for some beads and all the buffalo vanished. Wait, maybe this isn't the right place for my "don't trust white men with beads" theory. I'll save that for my Mardi Gras post.

David Caruso is still giant hack-ing his way through the bastard child of Crime Scene Investigation. Wonder when his character will ever solve the mystery of why Caruso is such a huge deuschbag. It reminds me of those Cinnamon Toast Crunch commercials:

Leiutenant Horatio Cain (played by David Caruso) of the Miami PD solves crimes all day, relying on his keen intellect, totally natural red hair and the hard work of people around him. Using tweezers and plastic gloves, he can find the tiniest DNA clues at a crime scene. But can he figure out how David Caruso's massive head manages to stay on his body?