The Populist People's Elbow

Maybe it was just me or the 4 beers I consumed during the convention, but I couldn't help thinking Obama sounded a lot like The Rock when he got really passionate about something. I was actually disappointed when he didn't call McCain a candy ass and threaten to lay the smackdown on the entire Republican party. Can you smellllllllllll what Barack is cooking?*

I also couldn't help thinking Obama sounded a lot like a kid trying to win the 5th grade school presidency. "We're going to build a pool in social studies class, all the teachers lounges will be turned into kids lounges with Xbox 360s, and every Monday, Wednesday and Friday will be pizza day!" I understand his message is all about hope and everything we can do, and I do believe he can bring about change. I just felt like he was biting off more than he could chew. Zero dependence on foreign oil in 10 years? Please. He's forgetting he can't be president for more than 8, and our technology for alternate energy sources is so far behind, I've read reports that solar energy wouldn't be viable large scale till 2050.


*After spending lots of time thinking this up and writing it out, I was informed Barack already did this on WWE. That doesn't make my idea or post any less funny. Trust me.

Shave and a Haircut, Two Bits

I got a coupon for a free haircut and shave from a barber who's business was in the middle of a spa with stereotypically Chelsea hairdressers, and figured why not. I like to get my haircut, I like free things, and I've never had a shave before. I shave my face with a razor maybe a few times a year, the last I could remember being for Dee and Martin's wedding in December as a favor to her. This was not an experience I'm eager to have ever again. You're in a chair, with a hot towel over your face, thinking, hey this is kinda cool. Then, when your eyes are open, you see a man coming at you with a straight razor, and all I could think about was mobster scenes in mobster movies where mobsters kill/get killed men in their barber shops with straight razors. The barber had to hold my skin tight, and when shaving my mustache-area, he had his forearm on my throat. Also not cool. To top it off, it wasn't even all that good a shave.*


*Much like this isn't all that good a post. They can't all be hits.

Olympics IV

In keeping with watching new sports in the Olympics, James Cash and I watched women's fencing. It was less like James Bond or The Three Musketeers and more like a giant slapping fight with 2 bendable plastic swords. Another sport which I think I could excel in, trained by watching old Errol Flynn movies. Engarde!

Olympics III

I really don't like Bob Costas, which is one of the major reasons I don't like the Olympics. He's the original Joe Buck, only worse.

That said, I'm fascinated by Olympic diving. They do all sorts of twists and turns in the air. It's magical. I'd love to see them dive from much higher up though, and do dive difficulties of 8 or 9, like a 12 1/2 inward somersault 6.875 (repeating decimal) twist while reciting the alphabet backwards. I've noticed China has been dominant so far in the diving contests. I wonder how they'd do in men's platform into shark tank competition. I couldn't help thinking, what if the world's greatest diver couldn't swim at all?

Olympics II

I don't think badminton should be an Olympic sport. I think a good qualifier for what should NOT be considered an Olympic sport is anything I might play at a family barbecue or picnic and which I could probably contend for the gold among the world's premiere athletes.

I did love the shock and awe the announcer had when declaring, during the women's final match where one Chinese lady attempted to out badminton the other Chinese lady, that "China has won the gold!" Yea, I never would have known China would win the gold without watching the whole match. And the silver medal too, you say? Shocking.

Olympics

Commentator: Mark Phelps' coach often throws obstacles at him during practice so he's ready for anything in the water.

Me: Like doing the butterfly next to the Loch Ness Monster?

James Cash: Does he throw bears in the pool? Surprise, water bears!

This Dating Life

I think it would be really fun to start a doomed relationship. One you know is going to end and soon. This doesn't necessarily mean it has to end badly, but I'd definitely not have to put too much into it, cause the fear of it dissolving isn't actually a fear at all, but more a certainty. Towards that end, I want to start dating women who are looking for a nice, Christian man to settle down with very soon. One, two dates tops, then "It was nice meeting you, but this isn't going to go anywhere."

What's a "Coatamundi," You Ask?*

DJ decided to take a long weekend, but only if HD and I would join him on a Great Adventure mostly of his choosing. I agreed to drive under one condition: we got to go on the Safari. I keep seeing commercials on TV where giraffes eat milkshakes out of your sunroof and elephants sit on your hood, so I was pretty psyched. I let DJ drive so I could ride shotgun and take photos, and Dynamo hung in the back with a bag of jerky in case he needed to taunt any Sasquatches on the trails. At first the safari was pretty boring, with only bison and emus and North American deer to see, but it soon picked up and I saw all sorts of antelope from Africa, along with too many ostriches, some zebras and some far away giraffes. Being able to spot wild rhinos in their natural habitat of a New Jersey theme park from only a few, barrier-free feet away was incredible. After a couple minutes driving around, I realized two major flaws to sitting shotgun: I couldn't open my own window to pet any of the animals and DJ wouldn't drive how I wanted (slower and off the paths so I could wrangle a zebra).

All of a sudden, we were done in Africa and entered the holy land: an entire area full of A LOT of black bears that weren't in cages. In my excitement, I managed to only come up with an estimate of like, 67 bears. I may have also shrieked with glee when one of the bears padded by the car like an oversized dog, and screamed in frustration when I couldn't pet him. We made it through after many joyful outbursts from me, and as we pulled into the next area, a sadness and longing to drive in reverse filled me. Sure, tigers and lions were great, but they couldn't fill me with happiness like bears do. And then, a miracle occurred. I started the day without any expectations for bears, and all of a sudden, we were in a second bear area for European brown bears. It was like a bear resurrection or something, and I felt like people probably did when Jesus rose; he was great the first time around, so there's no doubt he'll be great the second time too, though he'll be slightly different, like European instead of a black bear Jesus.

Unfortunately, DJ made us leave the bears area before we could see how a bear playing with a stick in a pond would play out. I guess "to be continued..." By the time the safari was over, I noticed we were the only car that was filled solely with "adults." DJ and Dynamo headed straight for the roller coasters when we got inside the park, while I found a shady section of grass and took a nap, pooped from my earlier great adventures.






*O yea, they had coatamundis in an area that was mostly for kids but still kind of fun. If you don't know what they are, look it up. I can't spoon feed you everything!