This Dating Life: Germaphobe

I've dated many, many, MANY (SO MANY) types of women thus far, but have never been involved with a germaphobe. So it was with some trepidation that I continued dating Musical Molly (codenamed for her affinity for musicals) after hearing that she was a self-ascribed germaphobe. New clothes from the store freaked her out, and she would always wash new ladies underwear before wearing it for the first time. Which I found slightly ridiculous, the wearing of underwear that is.

However, it turned out she was just a huge liar. She held hands without any problems. Opened bathroom doors without using my shirt as a barrier. Didn't carry around an industrial size bottle of Purell. And most damning of all, she would routinely pick things up the floor JUST TO SEE WHAT THEY WERE! I'm not talking about thinking there's a 20 dollar bill on a New York City street, I mean random THINGS. When called on her bluff, she would routinely explain she's not "THAT kind of germaphobe." I could understand if the things were shiny, as there's a clear correlation between shiny objects and dragons and women being interested in them, but this was a receipt, or a scrap of paper, or a homeless man's condom. Ugh, I have to go take a hot shower just thinking about it.

Professional (And Unbiased) Movie Review: The Muppets

I shall firstly emphasize how completely unbiased this movie review is, despite me wishing for nothing more than a new Muppets movie for the last 12 years. Sure, I abandoned the naive notion of world peace in favor of Kermit and the gang on the big screen in my yearly pleas to Santa Claus, but that doesn't mean I can't be objective. And sure, I own a lot of Muppets memorabilia, including (but not limited to), action figures, t-shirts, comics and artwork by the immensely talented Amy Mebberson. And yes, I grew up on the Muppet Show, Sesame Street, Muppet Babies, all the Muppet movies, Jim Henson Hour and the Muppets Tonight. And definitely, I cried a little, many years ago when I heard a rumor Jason Segal, who can do NO WRONG, was going to write the next Muppets movie. However, none of that means I can't be objective.

Upon seeing posters and subsequently commercials, I was perturbed by this "Walter" character. I mean, do we really need a new Muppet? Granted, Sweet'ums probably couldn't play the role of Jason Segal's tiny brother, but hasn't the last major Muppet introduction, Elmo, sucking at everything caused enough trauma to the youth? But I found that while watching the movie, I didn't hate the new kid as much as I thought I would.

The movie shares equal story time between the plight of the Muppets and the humans, which would seem out of place to people who watched earlier movies which used humans more sparingly. Older fans will also be slightly disappointed by altered voices, due to many of the original puppeteers missing from the movie. The plot centers around the Muppets needing to get back together to foil evil oil magnate Chris Cooper, who has easily the best thought out and funniest song in the whole movie. One song and dance number is reminiscent of the suit dance from How I Met Your Mother; in another, Flight of the Conchords' Bret McKenzie's vision shines through. It was campy and hysterical and left me clapping at the end. Amy Adams and Jason Segal were brilliant as always (see above if you don't believe me), and finally, once again, the Muppets were in theaters.

My only issues with the movie are as follows:
1. Zoot didn't get to talk. He's zany and out there and says random funny things.
2. Swedish Chef didn't get a cooking with swedish chef spot on the show.
3. While there were some pretty great guest appearances (I won't ruin them here), the movie DEFINITELY missed out by not including Andy Samberg or Bill Hader, who would be perfect in this. Bill Hader would be perfect in any movie, but I'm getting off track slightly. Andy does a great Chef, and the whole SNL cast can jump in too.
4. Back to the guest appearances, the movie also missed out by not having the whole cast of How I Met Your Mother on it, which I would have enjoyed immensely.
5. There was no Jessica Biel, and no Rihanna. It was almost like this movie wasn't made to cater to my every whim. Seriously though, no Rihanna? She could fit into the movie seamlessly and play, I don't know, let's say...my girlfriend. I'd go see that movie in a second.

That's it. Those were the only issues I could see. Hopefully everyone else realizes how great this movie was and what a great idea it is to bring back this proud franchise to weekly television (not cable please). And perhaps Jessica Alba or Justin Timberlake can make guest appearances also. Just cause.

Muppets Movie Excitement

I'm going to see the Muppets movie tomorrow. I can't even think about anything else. If it's not good, I don't know what I'll do with myself; maybe watch the entire Season 1 DVDs after it? Though I'll probably do that either way. OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD I can't wait. I may not even sleep tonight. If I do, I'll definitely wear my muppets footie pajamas. F it, I'll do that either way. MUPPETS!!!!

Aquatic Big Buck Hunter

There are two things I like doing with wildlife: trying to catch them to pet them/play with them/ride them, and hunting them in video games with a shotgun at my waist, much like Doc Holliday. And running away from them if they're scary, like spiders or octopus or squid. Ok, three things. I haven't had much luck playing with any wild animals, and I've never brought my murderous spree to the real world, until...NOW!

When I was younger, I would often go fishing with my dad and sister at Kissena Pond, a small, man-made pond near Flushing, Queens. I was an excellent fisherman, and often caught double digit sunfish or crappies, using bread as bait. The fish were always returned to the water, and I'd go home content, knowing how good an outdoorsman I was, confident that the next time I'd outsmart the fish again. Unfortunately, this paradigm seemed to shift when pursuing actual fish you can eat, in real fishing places. I'm hoping it will shift back again, as I just applied for a one day fishing license in Colorado, and it was as rigorous as applying for a job.

First off, there are many, many, many hunting and fishing licenses you can apply for, some named after the animal (Wild Turkey, Mountain Lion), and some after the type, like furbearer (for small game). There's a chart on the site, showing how much a license costs per day, additional day, 5 days, week, month, or century, for residents and non residents. Once you finally get that all sorted, it's time to put in your information.

Colorado needs to know your name, date of birth, address...all the essential information you would imagine. Then they need your drivers license # and social security, which I was a bit leery of, especially after being asked if it was cool if they shared that info with their drinking and hunting buddies. Uhm. No. Not cool, actually. Finally, Colorado fishing license department whatever needed to know my height and weight (bit of a touchy subject right now), which I found quite odd. Odder still was the measurements, which started at 1 foot and went all the way up to 9. Sure, they don't want to discriminate. I was tempted to put in 9 foot, 4 inches, 400 pounds, but then thought if I caught a shark or something in the river and I wasn't allowed to, rather than send one ranger after me, they might send a battalion, and a tank. Which I'm just not physically prepared for.

This Dating Life: Misunderstanding

This story takes place approximately 2 months ago. The names have been changed...well, only her name has been changed, mine will remain, for bragging purposes. The premise is a lovely lady spent the night. I knew she was leaving for another state in a few days, for an undetermined amount of time. We engaged in relations that night, and again in the morning.

"Hey, this was a lot of fun. I'm glad we caught up, and you allowed me to sex you masterfully."

Lady: "Yes, that was quite amazing. My world has been transformed. Plus, you're ridiculously funny, and so ruggedly handsome. I can't believe I have to go to Michigan, which isn't even a fun state."

"Except for Crazy Jim's Blimpie Burgers, and their polar bear snow sculptures, you mean."

Lady: "Right, that goes without saying."

"Well, do you think you'll have time to do this again before you leave?"

Lady looks around: "Probably, but what time is it now?"

Laughter ensued as we realized the misunderstanding, followed by earthshaking and transcendental passion. The end.

This Dating Life: Silence is Golden

I've recently learned that sometimes, there are situations where things are best left unsaid. For example, if a lady is nice enough to spend the night after a fun night of comedy and beers, and then says: "I got SO drunk last night. Maybe I shouldn't have had that many beers."
The response should probably almost NEVER be: "I'm REALLY happy you got drunk last night," as that can cheapen the whole experience.

Another example might be asking a lady, whom you have a history with, if she wants coffee. She might reply that, from her memory of things, you make crappy coffee, since you don't really like it anyway. Probably a good idea not to say "I've been practicing," and then assure her the whole thing is really none of her business.

This Dating Life: The More Things Change...

After a brief 5 month hiatus from dating, due to an obstacle commonly referred to as a girlfriend, I decided to get back on the horse, so to speak, as my typical first date involves going to the OTB. The first lady lucky enough to date me was pretty cool. She was tall, at 5'10, she planned a burger crawl (much like a pub crawl, only everyone feels even more disgustingly sick afterwards) for a second date, and we seemed to be having a good time with each other without any seriousness, which was what I was looking for.

Unfortunately, she seemed to not think that just having a good time was enough, which I got from the email response she sent me out of the blue that said as much. Her words, quoted below, frustrated me, because I've heard them so frequently. I wish everyone's idea of me drowning in women was actually factual, though not in some weird, horror movie kinda way, in which I actually have my lungs filled with women, and drown. Cause that would suck. But this isn't the first time I've been told women should be beating down doors to date me, and yet it still hasn't occurred.

"I have really had a nice time on these last few dates getting to know you and I think you are a really sweet and funny dude and are probably often drowning in women or at least one day you will be...(possibly virgins if the Qu'ran ends up being correct)...but I am not really feeling it in the way I should be after three dates. And after three dates is when two people probably actually start to say non-committal things like "we are seeing each other" and I just don't want to lead you on by continuing to date you."

I tried calling and letting her know I felt the same way but had a lot of fun and we should continue to just have fun, but I don't think it's possible for a guy to say those things without them coming across like all he wants to do is sleep with the girl. Oh well, on to the next one, as that Jay-Z character says.

Facial Recognition Software

From a recent multi-person correspondence, in which Dynamo was asked about his blog going dark as well as the lapses in his roommate's (mine):

I have a roommate? I've often wondered what the tall white guy was up to on the top floor of the flat; I always figured he was some sorta maintenance guy or something. This information comes as quite a relief as he always seemed to be on an extended break; I'd often find him laid out on the couch in front the tv and eating the food from the fridge!

This explains why he's always asking when things will be fixed and trying to give me money.

An Open Letter

Dear KTMO,

I have seen and heard your complaints about no new material on this blog, and want you to know I understand and share your confusion and frustration. I too have felt betrayed that this blog had stopped putting out revelatory and brilliant posts to amuse it's 5 readers. I too wondered why a blog that clearly has a gift for writing and making people laugh would go on hiatus. Perhaps it was hurt by the lack of reader responses, to the blind eye turned, to the inaction of no comments except by guys trying to sell gucci bags. Perhaps the creative and comedic well that supplies this blog with words, dipped into so frequently, had dried up. Or perhaps the blog just had new commitments and other things to do.

Whatever the case may be, I wanted to let you know we value your customer loyalty and hope we can do right by you. It is people like you, complaining about not being entertained and threatening to do bodily harm to the blog, that motivate us to put out a great product and service. We hope you enjoy the new material and pledge to keep updating you on our life more frequently.

Please feel free to constantly tell us what a great job we're doing and how funny we are, and that all of your hot female friends read this and want to sex the creative mind behind this. A lot. And immediately.

Yours truly,
L Bo

Spheres of Knowledge

I've always thought of myself as intelligent and smart. Mostly because people tell me I'm intelligent and smart, but also because I can fill out over HALF of the Metro crossword on a Monday, which is definitely the hardest day of the week. I surround myself with smart friends, and I only date smart women. Recently, however, I was dating a woman who made me question that fundamental belief in my own intelligence.

Some of my friends know things that I don't, and are really into topics, like computers and computer related stuff, that I'm not and I don't get. For example, there have been many conversations with Dynamo that have gone over my head, like this one, this one, or this one. With this lady, I was sometimes in awe of her intelligence. She seemed to constantly be able to speak intelligently and intellectually about whatever was in front of us, wherever we were. Her expertise, including Judaism, things Jews do and do not do, stuff Jews like, art, history of art, Jewish art and it's place in history, gender roles, sex therapy and gay affirmative therapy, seemed to pop up in everyday life all the time. My spheres of knowledge and expertise, which include the Mets, Thor, Green Lantern, bears, planting tomatoes, solving SAT geometry problems and knowing that cats are B-A-D/fundamentally evil, on the other hand, were not common in everyday life ever. Maybe in the future I'll stay out of gay Jewish art museums and stick to dates at Citi Field with women who work at a zoo.

This Relationship Life: Benefits

Now that I'm in a relationship, I get all the great benefits that come from having a devoted girlfriend. Someone to share new experiences, passions, dreams and other cheesy things with. Someone to give me a massage after lifting 5 times my weight at the gym. Someone to laugh with, or doze off on the couch with on a rainy day. But above all, someone with access to Costco.

More important than pudding, or watching a Mets game with me, I've realized what I was always looking for was a woman with membership to those sacred halls. I was in Costco once, with a former employer, and marveled at the great LCD TV deals they had: buy 4, get 2 free. However, I didn't fully get to appreciate the size of the store, or it's shopping carts, or the people inside, until recently. I saw a man with a double sized shopping cart filled past the brim, which isn't uncommon there. However, the entire cart was devoted to 50 giant-sized boxes of Instant Quaker Oats. Where else will you see dedication to healthy eating like this?

For me, Costco is all about the Skippy peanut butter deal. Two sixty four ounce jars for $8. They must be out their damned minds! Unfortunately, that only lasts me about two weeks, because I'm a glutton. That's fine though, because in two weeks, I can get another 5 pound bottle of honey for .20 cents an ounce less than the supermarket. Comparative shopping and buying in bulk are what keep me happy.

Rihanna, Pt. 4

Dear Rihanna,

You may have noticed I haven't been as attentive towards you recently as you would hope. As you can see from my last post, I currently have a girlfriend. Yea, we're exclusive and stuff. She even wears my promise ring.

However, I think it would be okay if you were to help me, say, combine my two interests.

As always, you know where to reach me.

PS I want to address some rumors you may have heard, spread by pkiller. You are NOT just a fetish.

Speak to you soon,
L Bo

This Dating Life: Series Canceled

Sorry ladies. This Dating Life has been canceled. I have found a lady friend who, against all odds, was not tricked into accepting that role.

Our Story, like any, starts with a beginning very familiar to most. At our first date, she was sick with the plague, but was kind enough not to pass it on to me by standing very far away and not wiping my shirt with her nose. It was attraction at first sight; I knew I had to have that snotty woman. After some great wine, great conversation, and mucus, we both realized what a stud I am and a 2nd date was sure to follow.

Luckily she made a quick recovery and became quite smitten with me when, during my road trip to Colorado, I called from the hotel in Nebraska and enthusiastically exclaimed I wanted to hug a lion. See, I had just seen a commercial for Chronicles of Narnia: CGI Lion Rules the Land, and one of the kids hugged the lion, and I got really excited and realized I was going to the Omaha Zoo the next day where there was sure to be a real lion and...afterwards I realized it was such an adult thing to do.

However, an excess of mucus (seriously...she was plague-y as all hell) is not enough to fully fuel a relationship. An exhibit on Houdini (I know, SUCH a romantic cliche), talk of fighting stances and a shared love of religious zealotry brought us closer. Close encounters with dangerous wild animals at Prospect Park (you do NOT want to get too close to bread a swan wants to eat) led to a budding romance. I know, I know. You've heard it a million times before. Really, just a typical boy meets girl kinda story.

Rihanna, Pt. 3

Dear Rihanna,

Thank you for the Te Amo video. This is one of the greatest things that's ever graced my computer screen. Over and over and over. And over, again.

Sincerely,
L Bo

It's Swedish to Me

From time to time, I like to exercise my reading muscles. This way, I never find myself walking up the down escalator at a department store, because even though it was broken and so it can be used as stairs in either direction, I would have read the "DOWN" and went to the other side, since I wanted to go "UP." Quite helpful.

Recently, and quite accidentally, I've found myself with novels from foreign authors taking place in foreign countries but thankfully written entirely in English. I was able to really get into the Kite Runner, despite many unfamiliar words, places and references to historical events. The story was beautiful and moving, though I think I'd have a hard time watching the movie if some of the more heartbreaking scenes are graphically portrayed. Even though many of the words and ideas were foreign to me, the author did a great job of explaining them, and sprinkled them throughout, giving the book that authentic cultural experience feel.

Before this enlightening read, however, I had tried reading Stiig Laarson's novel "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo," but found it really difficult to get into. Everything takes place in Sweden and has a weird name. It's like the Swedish Chef teamed up with IKEA to take me on a verbal tour of Nonsense-Land. I made it 2 pages in and was overwhelmed by the amount of quadruple vowels and letters that have no business being adjacent to each other. It did leave me with a hankering for swedish meatballs and lingonberry jam. Or, just kotbuller and tyttebærsyltetøy* as they'd say in Sweden.

*technically, this is Norwegian, but there's NO way you would have known that without me telling you.

This Dating Life: Tortoises Are NOT Turtles

Sometimes I wonder if I'm too picky when it comes to dating. Perhaps I'm a snob, or I let stupid little things get to me. I screen my dates pretty well, ensuring they can spell, they're over 21, they don't have an Adam's Apple (funny story about that...one of my friends, when much younger, believed it was an item unique to him, in name. His name is Adam, and so he by this logic, I'd have an L Bo's Apple) and they're not interested in my millions. Of imaginary money. Still, sometimes in the middle of a first or second date, they will say something I find difficult to believe, as I considered them intelligent enough to go out with. For example, this woman told me, after my semi-long exaltation of the benefits of heritage animals and heirloom fruit that she didn't know what heirloom meant. I know it was wrong, but it made me think less of her. In the end, it didn't matter anyway.

After much debate back in December, I decided to give another online lady the benefit of the doubt and meet her for a first date. Somehow (as always), animals had come up in our correspondence, and she had this to say about tortoises and turtles: "I confess I don't totally understand what a tortoise is. I imagine them as being slightly less cute [than turtles], but I think that has more to do with children's stories than reality." This might seem insipid, even harmless, but then I got to thinking; what other species of animal would she be unable to identify or would she confuse? What if we were out for a night stroll and she remarked there was a really cute dog following us, and it was in fact a rabid wolf? Or we could be visiting friends who she said have a pet iguana, and in reality it was a tyrannosaurus rex? Thank you for saving my life, paranoia, instincts, and snobbery!

2011

Welcome, 2011! I'm so very glad you could join us, and I'm highly excited for your arrival. There's a great chance you'll be an amazing year!

The Green Lantern movie, which I've been waiting for for 15 years, is finally being made. And though I have questions about it, it's still Green Lantern. Even if the movie sucks, I'll still have a GL movie to watch and complain about. It's like they say, the worst sex is better than no sex. And if it's really that bad, there's still the Thor movie to look forward to. I'm not the biggest fan of 3D, but I pee my pants a little* every time I think about Mjolnir hurtling towards me.

*Not actually what I do, but my mom reads this.