New York Playa-hating Department

I hate the NYPD towing my vehicle policy. In addition, I've figured out their whole giving my van tickets policy is probably based on jealousy that pimp van is so awesome. I mean, pimp van has been described before as a "giant, white, metallic cheetah" minus whiskers and the ability to sustain its speed for longer periods of time. I'm fairly certain that pimp van can carry me across waters, much like when you try to float your covered wagon across the river in Oregon Trail (minus the possibility of losing a wheel or any oxen or getting diptheria). Finally, 5-0 be hating cause pimp van never has to wait in line at the club.

I could see how if you weren't friends with pimp van, his constant awesomeness would drive you to despair, but giving him tickets all the time for infractions of rules it's too cool for is just wrong. It'd be like telling Fonz not to turn on juke boxes or women by tapping them in the right spot. Not cool.

Anyway, earlier today I was supposed to pick up my mom from her job and she was going to graciously buy me a new, completely unneeded, winter jacket. This plan went horribly wrong when I went to feed the meter and my van was no longer there. Figuring I just couldn't remember where I parked him, I canvassed a few blocks, and when I came to the realization that he should have been where I originally thought, I searched for broken glass.* Finding none, I found out from a friendly uniformed officer that my van had been towed. This led me and my entire family on an adventure to the impound lot, which is always in an area rejected by the rest of humanity.

My mom, worried that the lot would close before we got there, suggested multiple times that I call and let them know I'm coming and to keep the lot open, until I assured her that it wasn't like a restaurant and they'd probably not be interested in taking my reservations. Under a highway and next to a cemetery was where they had kidnapped and brought pimp van to, and I had to ransom him out for 185 one dollar bills. To further insult me, the NYPD left a ticket on pimp van for more moneys. As Pkilla pointed out, I've donated enough to the department of finance in the last six months and they should give me this one for free, like a customer loyalty rewards program.

We ended up going to two different Macy's to find a jacket my mom was fairly insistent on getting me, despite me having never seen a photo of it. It wasn't at either one. To further complicate matters, after seeing photos I noticed it had a fur hood, which I'm vehemently opposed to unless I got to eat the rabbit first. My mom didn't understand this point, and assured me I could take the hood off, which seemed pointless to buy a fur-lined hooded jacket if you were then going to make the hood non-functional. This conversation/debate managed to rage on, in loop fashion, for quite longer than was necessary, but ultimately led me to the following conclusions:

• My parents, particularly my mother, is currently OBSESSED with not buying me a bear cub.
• She should just devote part of the time she spends on looking for a jacket for me on bear catching research.

*everywhere. Find me one person under the age of 35 who can resist saying that.

Justice should be served with real maple syrup

About 6 months ago, Dynamo got Xbox 360 for his birthday, ushering in his self-proclaimed AX age. We decided (or most likely just me, since it doesn't seem he had anything to gain from this) that whoever got 5 games first would own the Xbox, just as whoever gets 5 votes first in the Supreme Court gets to give the other side wedgies after taking away our privacy. For more recap, I suggest re-reading Justice For All.

Well, Dynamo got to 5 games a few weeks ago, but I've been in denial and am planning an appeal. His lady friend suggests a recount, which might involve trashing some of his wacker games. To be fair, that's all of them at this point. Plus, I play Xbox 360 a lot more than he does. Sure, some of that has to do with me "not really having to go to work," but so what? You take advantages where you can get them.

In the spirit of our old contest, I've started a blog war between us. See, Dynamo has been very productive as of late, adding new blogs and what not. At this moment, his 30 blogs eclipses my 28. But with this gem, I'll be at 29, and poised to overtake him. Unless, of course, I forget to write any, and he reads this first and starts to amass blog posting faster than I can. So expect many more, 3rd-rate or lower, words of wisdom from me in the coming weeks.

The first salvo has been fired.

New species discovered

By me. At the Staten Island Zoo. Before you get all uppity and claim that's not very scientific, how many of you have ever found the Staten Island Zoo (or even knew that much maligned borough had a wildlife conservation park) let alone seen a fossa in real life? That's what I thought. Just me, and I really need to work on not contradicting myself.

My sister and I, on our second recent zoo trip together, completed the 5 zoo circuit that is New York City. See my super scientifically rankings immediately below this sentence, after the colon:

1. Bronx Zoo - Variety of bears, tree kangaroo boxing events, constantly sleeping bear cats, overall hugeness, Jungle World and World of Darkness propel the Bronx to numero uno.

2. Propect Park Zoo - Proximity to my apartment (Brooklyn stand up!), kangaroos and wallabies that aren't prevented from crossing over into human land, and being NYC's second most unknown zoo.

3. Central Park Zoo - Snow monkeys are always playful, but never seem to jump on and ride the swans in the water; neurotic polar bear and the rain forest exhibit with birds flying over your head should propel this zoo to 2, but it's not near me and I've always felt it could be and should be better.

4. Queens Zoo - Black bears and sentimental childhood memories along with recent reconstruction and a decently kick ass aviary prevent this from being the worst, though it is quite tiny.

5. Staten Island Zoo - Nobody even knows this zoo exists, and they probably won't until it finishes reconstruction to match the brand new Reptile House. Rare animals like fossas and the ability to stick your fingers inside the wire fence at the Amur Leopard exhibit, plus mostly emptiness during the week, make this a decent choice.

However, all NYC zoos and aquariums are better than...

6. The Mystic Aquarium is a total ripoff for $22 dollars or whatever it is. Rather than taking a trip there with your family, save your money and, on a visit to Chicago, check out their Aquarium. Or, buy some goldfish for your children.

Sorry, once I started reviewing things I got carried away.

To see more images of cute zoo animals, visit my flickr page. Seriously, this is well worth your time.