Friday, December 25, 2009

Thoughts That Are Merry At Christmas Time

Christmas this year hasn't meant as much as in past years. In fact, was it not for dinner at my favorite Sicilian almost-parents' house, I'd have completely forgotten about it. There's no holiday lights or special holiday decorations, and the only ones in the neighborhood are a baby Jesus in the manger at a Church (Baby Jesus was stolen last year) and the half deflated Jesus/manger blow up scene my neighbor activates at night. I'm pretty sure it has Eeyore in it as well. My moosey moose stocking has been up all year, so this day seems like no different than any other. I've had to though, because Santa has trouble finding my house on account of me being of Jewish persuasion and all.

*******

I can't believe there's a 4 hour show on television about the Yule log. What are the rules? Are there back-up Yule logs in case the original one loses it's nerve and doesn't burn all proper? How come there isn't any commentary during this wondrous sporting event? Do they use archival footage or is it shot new every year? If so, will they soon get HD so I can see every bit of bark with stunning 1080 p clarity?*

*Thanks for this one, Human Dynamo

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Farmville: Farming For Dummies

Fuck Farmville! This facebook application, which constantly pervades the walls and news feeds of everyone's page, has gotten me addicted. At first, it was a passing interest, due to seeing my sister have ducks and reindeer on her farm.* I've since quickly mastered the game, and am level 23. It's my way to keep my farming ability at peak condition during these cold, snowy, wintry months, when us REAL FARMERS (and backyard gardeners) are forced to live vicariously through a video game. And an unrealistic one at that.

Sure, Farmville teaches kids about the joy of farming, but it leads them to an unrealistic view. Where's the 5 AM cock crowing wake up call? The shoveling slop for the animals? Live animal births? You don't even get to fatten up your pigs for delicious bacon, instead getting them to find truffles for you. Even though I wish it were true Elephants and penguins can't coexist. On a farm. In a temperate zone. GOSH! Plum trees aren't purple, kids. And don't get me started on the lack of crop rotation! Sure, it's a start, but I won't rest until they make a Farmville as realistic as the Sims, where the reindeer actually pull their own weight and squash takes the normal 60 - 75 days to maturity.

*Yes, that's all it takes. I'm a sucker for reindeer and things that say "Quack."

Friday, December 18, 2009

Me Vs. Baby Again

A recent holiday card from Dee and Marty Mart featuring their beautiful baby on it reminded me of my one encounter with the child and how I further compared favorably with her.

- I can hold my own head up, by using my NECK.* Maybe you need to hit the gym, baby? Or just get one of these!

- I can eat solid foods. Cause I got TEETH! OHHHHHHH!!!

- I've outgrown pooing in a diaper. However, I'm going to give you this point, baby, because you can do the worst things, like POOING WHILE SITTING ON SOMEONE'S LAP, and they think it's cute. They don't just forgive your faux pas, they embrace them! Not me though. I can see through the goo goo ga ga and the crying. I know you're taking advantage of the situation, and you need to stop, baby!**

So, once again, I'm better than you, tiny baby. I'll give you this, it's getting closer. Of course, you're going to grow up bilingual, loved by two amazing parents, and if your current cuteness is any predictor, very cute. For now, however, I'm going to relish being better than you.

*This is one of the reasons holding a baby freaked me out

**This is the other. Spitting up and taking craps? Pass.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

My Worst Fears Confirmed

Anyone who knows me well knows I'm completely freaked out by squid, octopi, and kraken. In order to hopefully reduce their numbers, I constantly encourage others to eat these foods/marine terrors, just not around me, because they're yuck. Also, I'm a little worried cephalopods have conquered death and calamari can jump up and attack you while you're eating them. Though you've all laughed at me over the years, hopefully now you'll hear and heed the alarm. There's definite proof in the scientific community that I may be right to be scared of these cunning, conniving, possible-aliens-from-another-planet beasts.

As if their weird eyes, sharpened parrot-like beaks, dangerously suckered arms, and camouflage ability wasn't scary enough, it seems octopi have also mastered the use of tools. And they're more intelligent than you rubes ever gave them credit for. So, beware unsuspecting divers. That harmless looking octopus using a cordless drill to put up shelves in it's lair will take a hammer to your knees without a second thought.