Everyone always wonders why I'm perpetually late to everything. It's because I sleep. I oversleep. And I don't do this out of any immense feelings of being tired. No, I do this because my dreams, as you will see once again, are simply awesome:
I woke up (in my dream of course) to find Ms. Dynamo (his girlfriend, not mom) eating my bagels. There was only one left, a multi-berry from Massachusetts. I'll be damned if I'm going to let her eat it!* I told her I was upset with the amount of bagels she'd already consumed and if she touched that one, I'd run her through with my saber.**
I sort of realized this was a dream when my apartment contained a tank full of 3 ducks, who were often quiet, but one moment when they thought I wasn't paying attention, they all had a contest to see who could hold their breath the longest. I also had 2 puppies who could sort of talk, miniature grizzly bears (mom and cub) that lived in a fish bowl, and a terrarium full of terrarium creatures.
Next up, I was hanging out by a pool, showing off my really tanned skin, huge pecs and generally awesome physique, when Cynthis (name changed to protect identity of Cynthia) rides up to me on a bicycle. This was made more impressive owing to her being in the pool, ON TOP OF THE WATER (like Jesus, if you're missing the damned analogy), peddling. Sure, she was swaying back and forth a little bit, but who has perfect balance biking on H2O?
She was one of my 4 girlfriends in my dream. It was just like the time there were 4 Supermen in Metropolis, but all were fake Supermen, and 1 was the 1/2 cyborg Superman who was all evil and totally bent on world domination. Only this was way more useful, because I had FOUR GIRLFRIENDS. None of them wanted to kill me with cyborg strength, but rather with kindness. They were all fighting over me, wearing short skirts or performing Christian miracles for my affection.
Now I recognized 2 of the women, the third didn't matter (yea, I love em and leave em in my nocturnal slumber), but the fourth intrigued me. She was 1/2 Asian, 1/2 something else, and all ridiculously fine. Being as how my dreams are portents of the future, 1/2 Asian woman, wherever you are, don't make me wait. I mean, we're going to be together again (probably tomorrow night after about 11:30 PM), so let's get started on this now. Neither of us really has a choice anyway, since it's fated. I just hope you don't ride an early train, cause that'll make this all more difficult.
*Note: Not that she's not super nice or anything. But, it's a multi-berry bagel from Massachusetts!
**Note 2: I don't condone violence, especially towards women, and the closest thing I've ever owned to a saber is a broom whose handle I took off and waved menacingly.
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6 comments:
The depth and nuance of this blog entry have increased exponentially after our delicious dinner tonight, BV.
Still doesn't justify you answering the phone during our meal. And for a wrong number, no less, though it was really just your half-Asian fantasian trying to find you.
PS - "Peddling" is the beverian usage of "pedaling."
What does BV stand for? Seriously, I need to know.
Dinner is delicious. Especially when you dine with someone of my quality.
I am SO beverley!!
You're beverley? I should have known that this sex change was coming... The feminine shirts were the first sign.
Are you or are you not an all-terrain Beverley Vehicle?
Ladies out there, Dynamo is lying. I never even wear shirts because they pop from my enormous muscles, and giant heart. That's right, I routinely rescue orphan puppies.
I am a Beef Vehicle (commonly known as bovines to the layperson), not a Beverley Vehicle. I'm not sure vehicles can be beverley...they definitely can't bever, I know that. This is all moot, since I forgot my made-up definition of the word.
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