Fiscal Fiascos

This is big.  Be prepared.  Sit down.  Strap on a seatbelt.  Take a deep breath.  I'm about to reveal my real name, which is a necessity for me to post this blog at the behest of Lord Josh.  Introducing, for the first time ever, Larry in "Larry bests the bank," followed by "Larry crushes the crazed and corrupt credit card computers."

"Hi, I'd like to cash this here check, with everything properly filled out, lady who I've never seen, despite coming here for 2+ years."

"Oh, it says here that your account is under Laurence, but the check says Larry.  How can this be?"

"See, Larry is a nickname for Laurence, which is my real name, but I always go by Larry."

"I still don't get it.  Manager, does this make sense?  Is Larry a nickname or shortening of Laurence?  I've never heard such ridiculousness."

"I will hold my temper in check.  Here is a business card as Larry, my gym membership with a photo as Larry, and my driver's license, as Laurence.  Is that enough dot connecting for you?"

"Grumble grumble mumble don't ever let me catch you using a nickname on a check again, despite you never having a problem before and 90% of your checks being made out to Larry."

It wasn't quite the eternal apologies and free silver and gold ingots I had hoped for, but I still claimed victory.

*****

"Hi, credit card company?  This is Larry.  Why isn't my account working?  Between the afternoon of one day and the night of the same day, my card started to get declined."

"Yes sir, it says here your account is past due."

"Right, I was late by one day on the payment, so I decided to push it off until the next payment cycle came around, since you'd slap me with late fees anyway, you soul sucking profiteering bastards."

"Well, sir, when your account becomes past due, after 6 days, you become eligible for a hold to be placed on your card, until the time when the amount is paid."

"Eligible usually refers to something you're going to win, and almost always conveys a positive notion.  My account got a hold placed on it 14 days later though.  I'm just trying to understand why this happened."

"Sir, I cannot say that it will happen again if you're past due, but I also cannot say that it won't."

"So you're saying this is completely random?  The head of Credit Card walks in one day in a bad mood cause his son left a toy out and he slipped on it, and decides to penalize my finances?"

"No sir, it is based on many different factors and decided by our computers, which incidentally also decide the fate of college football teams under the name BCS.  Have a good day and thank you for using us to purchase things you can't actually afford."