Part Three: Dealing with the Scourge, or What to do with reality TV
Let me state my thesis in one sentence: I hate reality TV shows. Now I dont watch them much, so its possible that I dont really know what Im talking about. Truth is, thats not going to stop me.
Reality shows are the slut of television, and, much like successful hospital drama ER, are responsible for spawning hellacious rip-offs at every level possible. I swear, these shows breed like rabbits, and not the cute Thumper type neither.
Reality shows fall in to two categories. The first is shows that involve contestants in some sort of stupid challenge, with those lucky enough to be chosen getting eliminated by either their peers, own incompetence, or even worse, audience members dumb enough to watch the show. These usually involve some sort of prize to be won: Grandmas chocolate chip cookie recipe, the prize watermelon from the state fair or a huge wooden chest full of doubloons. There is one exception: Whos Your Daddy and the Bachelor/Bachelorette, on which you win a love interest or a parent. Cant you just import mail order brides/husbands like any normal person?
Shows like Survivor, Big Brother, Fear Factor and others that I dont know of fall into this first category. On Survivor, and Gilligans
Bullshit. They dont have anything to survive from. Nothing threatens them except for the inevitable big sweaty dudes nasty odor and painful non stop boners from the inevitable hot, scantily clad chick. The shows about as real as Lost. At least there they have awesome killer polar bears, which somehow can live on a tropical island, yet never venture into my apartment building when I set cupcake traps. Yes, bears love cupcakes.
The other kind of reality show is even worse, and is somehow becoming even bigger. Yea, there have been 35 different Survivor series already, but at least they start every year or so. It hasnt even been 2 weeks, and the new Apprentice is on the air, pitting privileged people versus slightly more privileged people in the battle of who gets to dye Donald Trumps hair Donald Duck yellow. This variety of show is called the televised interview with created drama show, because thats all it is.
Finally, rich super companies have found a way to get more publicity and make more money for themselves. Some genius discovered if they held auditions and then ran an hour show, once a week for 12 weeks, showing what happened to the job candidates and who finally got the job, people would stupidly watch and love it. Shows of this type include: the aforementioned Apprentice, everyones favorite American Idol and its Missy Elliot rip-off, and
I think they should target me for a reality TV show, in which they cover MY job interview process. It would go something like this:
Episode One:
L BO graduates college, entirely positive that hes going to become a world famous photographer, adored by his model fan club and loved by his pet bear, Jamal. Man the future looks bright!!!
Episode Two:
L BO applies for his first job. The episode ends on a cliff hanger, with him checking his email the next day. Does he get a positive email?
Episode Three:
No, in fact, all his inbox contains is a letter advertising a free rowing machine for signing up for a bank account. Money, at this point, is a novel idea. L BO eats some ice cream and plans a future where Jamal is joined by a pet kangaroo (or at least a wallaby), an ultra smart porcupine and a 3 foot tall commando duck. The future once again looks bright!!
Episode Four:
The last episode of the season is a montage, showing email after email sent by L BO NOT getting returned. Key cinematic shots include a split screen of L BO making a phone call to a company while on the other side, the recruiter (played by David Spade) casually ignores the telephone ringing while grooming his cat. Stay tuned for next season, where L BO does all this on an abandoned space ship. In actual space.
Next season of The Freelancer, coming out directly to
Before you complain and tell me I forgot about certain reality shows that dont fit into my categories, Im going to launch a pre emptive strike and let you know that I dont care what you think. But in the interest of thoroughness, here is a list of shows:
-Wife Swap and Trading Spaces: This was a brilliant idea for a television show. I cant wait for the spin off called trading species. In this series, every week we explore the hilarity and hijinks, along with high tension moments, that occur when the male of one species is traded for another. On the first episode, a gorilla is taken from his family and traded for a lion.
-Makeover ambush shows, Live Like a Celebrity, etc. fit into the GARBAGE category, as no one should watch this junk.
-Shows that profile celebrity couples, like Newlyweds, fit into the I know youre smarter than that category. Seriously, go read a book.
-Quotes from real people about the new hit show Whos Your Daddy:
"Its probably going to be a stupid show, but Im going to watch it anyway." Do I need to say anymore?
-Then theres the Simple Life. I think everyone can agree with me theres only one thing anyone wants to see Paris Hilton acting in. She does have some useful talents.
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-The Biggest Loser is a show where people that need to be taken around in a forklift compete to see who can lose the most weight. The real biggest loser? Whoever is dumb enough to watch. I never thought Id like Jared the Subway guy more than anyone else.
-Supernanny Teach your kids how to behave yourself or do what any other parent would do sell them.
-And finally, there are shows like Real World, which I actually have no real problem with, with the exception of its cult like fan base and the fact that its been on since 1972.
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