The State of the Programming Nation Address

Part One: Introduction and an examination of TV's problems

"Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls of all ages, and those squirrels in the rafters that are rapt with attentiveness, please give it up for your Governor of Television, L BO!!!!"

*Cheers and loud applause, along with a catcall. And a tomato thrown at me, by my mom.*

I know what you're all thinking, already and maybe before you even considered it. Pretty incredible, but that's because I am. Why did I become Governor, instead of chief, president, mayor, major, CEO, or commander. Come to think of it, commander or colonel of television would fit me pretty well too. But back to the question: I think it's high time that I'm referred to as Governor Larry. Furthermore, television needs help.

I don't mean television as in cable, satellite or DirectTV, because I don't have any of those. I have basic channels, which includes CBS, NBS, FOX, ABC, UPN, WB, PBS and channel 6, the security camera in my basement. To start with, I have 5 security cameras, and yet only one of them is turned to an actual entrance to my building. The rest show continuous coverage on the gray paint, which is terribly fascinating, especially in black and white, where EVERYTHING IS GRAY! Back in the day, when I was about 14 or so, my friend James and I decided to make a movie based on those cameras, which actually worked at the time. We had no plot, because a movie like that pretty much writes itself, and didn't need a video camera, as we would just tape it on the VCR. Face it: we were the original Blair Witch Project, only I would pay to see my movie.

If done today, my movie would include such awesome things as: bears; a stuffed, kind-of- fuzzy-but-more-hairy armadillo; 3 supermodels, scantily clad of course; someone in a gorilla suit; egg crates, of the dozen size; and probably Bo Jackson. Hands down, it would be the best thing ever.

Back to my original point: television, or those 7 channels I have that show more than my own building, is in a terrible state of disrepair. There are a few reasons for this, which will conveniently be discussed in parts two and three. Solutions, as well as anything else I feel like rambling about, will be discussed in part four.