The State of the Programming Nation Address Part 4

Part Quatro: Where I make everything good. Real good. Yea.

As your governor, you are all under my command. So girls, send me panties. Damned tangents. I meant, I'm here to fix all the problems of television and make everything good again. Its going to be a David vs Goliath tale, only I'm going to be Goliath, and David is going to be one red-headed, overly dramatic hack by the name of Mr Caruso, and his ass is gonna get stomped on. Just like that, TV will be cured.

To be sure, however, its probably best if you send them panties. Seriously.

This will not be an easy change (despite my previous claim). It will take hard work, dedication, and a lot of researched facts on my part. We will have to attack television on many fronts, forge new alliances, bring back old shows, and have delicious snacks. Due to the toll this heavy burden of a position has taken on me, I was ready to resign from my post and start pursuing other noble goals, like teaching rottweilers to fly. This changed when I recently saw an episode of CSI Miami and David Huge Ass Red Head Caruso showed up, with his huge ass red head. I swear, he was leaning to the side, due to the weight of his enormous, stupid head. He was hitting on this ridiculously beautiful Latina woman, and she was actually responding to him as if he wasnt the grossest thing ever. Then again, women will sometimes have sex with horses. Look it up if you dont believe me, but be prepared for some awful stuff.

This is a time for us to unite. In going forward, we shall promote television shows, not harp on the mistakes of the old regime (American Idol, American Idol!!!!). We, well really I, will take back the networks and force good programming on the viewers. Two positive steps have already been taken: the combination of the WB and UPN into one network that will now cater to both the teenage AND the uneducated market, and 7th Heavens series finale. Now that its holier-than-thou religious morality is done with, the long-haired, could-be-easily-mistaken-for-a-woman star is now in his own new show, and hopefully the producers will agree to my demands of a show co-starring me and Jessica Biel. In addition, there are tons of good cartoons geared towards adults on Cartoon Network and Comedy Central, though almost none involving Green Lantern or Thor. These cartoons need to be made and put on primetime network television, because I wont wake up early in the morning and I refuse to pay for cable. Accommodations MUST be made!

I shall even use my tremendous amount of power and influence to correct the commercials between the programs, since I govern all. By hook or by crook, but hopefully by hook because I love pirates, we shall take those damned Axe/Tag/Bod ads off the air. Women, it turns out, are not sluts for scents and do not maul guys when they smell the new generic body shot fragrance. Not all commercials are so inaccurate, such as the informative Mentos commercial in which birds crave Mentos, and as such will not be banned.

One of my main solutions to the programming problem is to bring back shows which I found terrific, though clearly a larger (dumber) audience didnt agree. Im not talking about syndication, though I could watch these shows 7 times a day 6 days a week (Sunday programming will continue to be totally irregular), but new episodes. For starters, Two Guys and a Girl and The Norm Show will both be resurrected and continue to crack me up. Id also like to see Alf come back, and The Muppets Show with Jim Hensons cryogenically frozen brain making all the decisions. Dark Angel, as well, should be brought back...hmmm, pre-too-skinny Jessica Alba.

Other shows I'd like to see brought back:

- Meth and Red, featuring classic one liners like shut up, stop-sign head

- Malcolm and Eddie, which needs no explanation why it should be shining on primetime again

- NYPD Blue, and yes, I liked Zach Morris on the show...who wouldnt? He can call a time out in the middle of a crime, and kill someone with his giant portable phone (also useful for calling for backup, a pizza, or tricking Mr. Belding)

- The O.C., well really just the one episode where the hot chick makes out with the other hot chick. It sounds like good television and the plot intrigues me.

There are some others, but we can't just dwell on the past. We must forge ahead and bring more excellent television shows to the audience. New blood must be infused, such as a cooking show, hosted by Mo Vaughn, during which after every dish he makes, he hits a homerun. Then eats the entire dish. Cookie Monster could be a recurring guest. Lost, Arrested Development, 24 and Prison Break must all be made available every day, and maybe even doubled in length. In fact, Jack Bauer is hereby promoted to Lieutenant Governor, or whatever the hell position he wants, because he's Jack Bauer.

The clouds of Americas Next Top Inventive Idol are dissipating, allowing rays of sunshine to, uhm, shine through. Warmth is spreading, and causing women to give me their panties. Damn, again. The future looks bright, and my thousand years reign of television shall bring prosperity. And David Caruso's monstrously large head on a spear.