The State of the Programming Nation Address Part 2

Part Two: How David Caruso ruined television

Now maybe it's not so much what's on TV as what is NOT on TV, namely more Dolphins games and bears doing what they do best: being awesome. Or, that could be the point of the fourth part, titled solutions, and so I should just stick to causes for television programming being worse than an entire franchise of Anne Hathaway princess movies.

An examination of the channel guide would provide plenty of fodder for this metaphorical cannon of mine. Awful timing, useless channels, and not funny sitcoms make up the list, which doesn't include Reality shows, as they are the focus of the next rant.

By timing, I don't mean that inevitably whatever shows I want to watch are on the same night and the same time, which drives me crazy and provides stacks of videotapes of old programs that I will never get around to watching. No, my protest is far more important: all of the good cartoons on Saturday morning are on at the ridiculous hour of 9. That's in the AM too. Of course, the good cartoons are on at the same time on different channels, and the most childish or crappiest cartoons (anime and pokemon) are on closer to hang-over-wake-up time.

And let's be honest, when I say good cartoons, I mean these couldn't hold the jockstrap of old G.I. Joe, He-Man, Batman or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle cartoons. Yes, I could make a list of all the good old cartoons, and it would also include Thundercats and Transformers and Spiderman, but I don't want to. Sure, Static Shock was good while it lasted on network television, as is Jackie Chan, but the new batman and new teenage mutant ninja turtles couldn'twell, hold the jockstrap of the old ones.

This obviously segues nicely into a discussion of the low quality of today's television shows. I watch a lot of daytime television nowadays because I don't have a full time job (besides Governor of television) and most of it is awful. Besides, of course, the Cosby Show, Just Shoot Me, Yes Dear and Spin City, which is the diamond of the gems in my pimp goblet of daytime TV.

That said, I prefer channel 16 at Ithaca when nothing is on, to all of the soaps, talk shows, judge shows and game shows that manage to be on for 8 hours a day. I've already accepted all of the above as necessary evils, as some people are not smart enough to NOT watch soap operas or Judge Judy (Judge Joe Brown or Judge Horace from the streets are the only REAL judges), but that doesn't mean I can't complain about them.

Nighttime TV is made up of reality shows (again, wait till the next friggin post!), sitcoms, drama shows and the news. New sitcoms all have one thing in common: they're not funny. I watch BET and I can't find any show on UPN at night funny. Alright, fine, I watch Eve, but only because I keep hoping Eve and Ali Landry are going to make out. Or at least give me a shoutout.

It's not that Everybody Loves Raymond is all that funny, because it most certainly isn't, but at least its not one of those watered down, everybody has already heard the joke, no talent, never heard of actors, probably won't even last 10 episodes, sitcoms on channels that have never produced a decently funny show. Yes, I'm talking about you CBS and ABC. Stick to golf, drama and college basketball.

In the drama category, there are too many "son of" shows. For example, NCIS is the bastard "son of" CSI and JAG. When one show is good, leave it at that, because I don't want to watch the exact same thing but in a different city. All of the Law and Order spinoffs are fine, because they can stand on their own as shows and deal with different things. This doesn't apply to all, as CSI is a great show, but its successors are garbage. Now maybe it's just David Caruso being a smarmy, egotistical, show stealing, no talent ass clown who randomly leaves every show he's on because he thinks he can be on something better, but CSI Miami and CSI New York need to go away. Fast.

In addition, there are too many channels on cable that have no use to me. When am I ever going to watch the Japanese or Indian channel, unless I want to be amused by obvious cultural differences and derisive remarks made while watching people dance around in cloud castles. The sewing channel? Sci Fi? Country Music? The Carson Daly 24 hour marathon channel? Even Cartoon Network, which provides me with the Justice League Cartoon, is completely useless 18 hours of every day. Damned Power Puff Girls.

In summary: shows are never on at convenient times, unless you have nothing to do all day, which I don't; networks peddle junk to watch, but the ignorant masses stupidly stay glued to the boob tube; and David Caruso is a tool. And his hair is too red.