Dear Segway PT* Owner:
Segway's parent company, Stupid Transportation Ideas, in cooperation with the Committee That Oversees Things (CTOT), has voluntarily recalled all PT(s)** Apparently, there's a software defect that makes all riders look like tools. While independent market research has asserted riders were tools before purchasing our Personal Transporter (cause and effect relationships in the marketplace), a recent aggrieved lazy person was thrown while trying to ride in reverse, causing the software to come under scrutiny. Models H/HU***, WHY**** and Jesus, Just Get A Damned Scooter are not being recalled because they don't run on software. Fortuitously, these models run off the shear stupidity involved in such a vehicle.
Our updated software for the PT will include a holographic projection of rapper Master P, in an attempt to gain some street cred. While everyone knows Segways are bought by the terminally lazy and the stupid in society, we're hoping to gain market share by infiltrating the 'hood. Convinced that Master P drives a PT, ghetto youth will flock to the market, quickly pimping out PTs with 22"s, spinners, and bulletproof...well, there's nothing really to be bulletproofed, but we'll work on that. Seeing the popularity, suburban white kids with tons of money and no sense of individuality will quickly be sucked in. Frankly, the higher ups at Segway aren't quite sure why the sawed off motorized scooter sells so well, as it's rather useless and stupid looking, but we won't say no to profits.
At Segway, making stupid transportation ideas come to life is our job. Well, that and providing rich, corny looking people a device that makes them look even cornier. Hoverboards were beyond our technical expertise, so we made these things instead, and they have caught on among people who forget they have legs to walk with. We will do our best to make the Master P hologram's gold teeth as realistic looking as possible.
Sincerely,
Stone Derron
* Pretty Tacky
** Pterodactyled Tire(s) (I wish)
*** Highly/Humorously Useless
**** Would you buy this?
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2 comments:
Are you vying a for a free Segway? One of these things could come in real handy in my current condition. The new model should be especially useful as I lost all my street cred at RIT.
Hutch Owen, in Metro (the only news I can be bothered to read), had this cartoon the other day (the top one)
http://www.webcomicsnation.com/tomhart/hutchowendaily/series.php?view=archive&chapter=12323
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