Thanks A Lot, Mets

Well, the baseball season officially ended the day the Mets managed not to make it to the playoffs. Again. I think more than anything, more than being sad, or angry, I was hurt. I felt betrayed. Being a freelancer and having TiVo has it's advantages, and one of those was being able to watch Mets games whenever I want. Out of the 162 games played this year, I watched at least 120 of them, most of those to completion, and went to another 7 or 8 games. That's a lot of time to waste on a team that won't even make it into the playoffs for you. I didn't want roses, or chocolate, or even Carlos Delgado to show up to my house and sing Hanukkah songs. I just wanted to root the Mets on in the playoffs. Thanks a lot guys. Now that you failed me, baseball is dead to me. I know next March I'll get all the familiar butterflies as Opening Day looms closer, but I'll know better. No longer will I so innocently and naively throw all my support and time into watching you pitch and hit your way to disappointment. Worse still, you'll be doing it a stadium with a sponsored, soulless name, Citi Field.

I'm not going to be entirely negative, though. I have some advice that can help you next year. Omar Minaya, please read this and see it through, and the Mets will be guaranteed NL Champions.

1. Change Carlos Beltran's calendar so that every month reads July, August, or September. These are the only months he seems to be able to hit for power in.

2. Take away some of Beltran's money. You're paying him an awful lot to be a 20/20 guy who's a little lazy in the outfield and tries to look cool by catching flyballs casually.

3. Stop playing Luis Castillo.

4. Take away all of Luis Castillo's money. Hey, he's no longer playing, so what's he getting paid for?

5. Clone David Wright and play him at second base and catcher. I used to use this strategy in Bulls vs. Blazers for Sega Genesis, playing 3 Michael Jordans and 2 Patrick Ewings. The team was unstoppable.

6. Let Johan Santana pitch every inning of every game.

7. Get Moises Alou a reverse-aging machine. This is not to be confused with a time machine. If Alou goes back in time, he'll still be old. But with a fountain of youth, Alou can once again hit .350 and will only miss 30 games a year, instead of 130. Hey, if they can fund Beltran's ocular enhancer machine, which seems to not have any tennis balls colored for overhand curve, they can afford this.

8. Desperately try to find a clause that reverses the Scott Kazmir for Victor Zambrano trade.

9. Make sure Ryan Church doesn't get any more concussions, maybe by wrapping his head in bubble wrap or forcing him to wear some sort of helmet, like in football or hockey. This guy wears a helmet, and never seems to get a concussion, despite running into things much harder than Marlon Anderson.

10. Petition MLB to make all Mets games only 6 innings long. Bullpen? Who needs a bullpen. Can't have blown saves or late inning collapses if there are no late innings.